I live in NY state and am a Canadian citizen. We are a small family, just my parents, older twin brothers, a SIL and some nieces and a nephew who live 2-3 hours from my parents, all of them in Ontario. Mom and Dad have always had a distant relationship with people in general and are not particularly close to my brothers. At 96 and 91 there are very few family friends left and no extended family.
Dad had several falls in the summer so I drove up and ended up staying 3 months while I got them into a nursing home together (same room). This was done with input from my siblings and once they had moved into the home I stayed in Canada and helped acclimate them to their new normal, closed their apartment, organized the removal of any furniture and other items that we siblings were not going to take. Suffice to say it was a lot of work, it was very costly for my household and once one of the bros found out that our parents would not be moving to a home nearer to him immediately, he and my SIL were upset and stopped returning my texts which obviously made an already emotional situation harder.
When the original applications were put in, my bro and SIL looked at a place 6 miles from them (they live out in the country and this place, while lovely is also rural) Unfortunately it has a 3 year wait and when I spoke to the director she told me she does not encourage couples to be in the same room. This is non-negotiable for my parents and perhaps it's something that could change but at the time we were making arrangements, decisions had to be made quickly and as a result they are now in the same community that they've lived for the last 30 years with no one nearby.
Daily I call to check on them and get the standard, 'we're not happy, we don't like the food, the doctor, the people etc etc.' Last week on one of my mom's more lucid days I asked if she wanted me to start looking for other nursing homes. She said no, that they would get use to it eventually.
On Sunday when I spoke to my dad he mentioned that my bros and SIL had visited on Saturday. (which is great but ya know what would be even better? Checking to see if my parents need anything brought to them ie. toiletries) Today it was the same old song and dance. The doctor is useless blah, blah, blah and I gently had the same conversation with my dad (she's got dementia, he's getting forgetful) about looking for other homes and his response was that my brother is already doing that. Imagine my surprise.
I'm POA, I get regular calls from the nurses w/updates, I take care of all the banking, arrange transportation to and from specialist appointments and yes, I'm the point person with the healthcare coordinator who would have to be involved in order to move my parents from one part of the province to the other.
Suffice to say I have no clue what my brother 'thinks' he's doing but without speaking to the appropriate contacts he's wasting his time and potentially annoying the director at the home closer to him. (I would love for my parents to be near him and I'm working to make that happen but duplication of work isn't going to get the job done) My brother has lost his drivers license 6 times and is always just one too many beers away from losing it again. I mention this because in the event that this happens it puts my parents in even greater jeopardy. Brother losing his job would mean he'd lose another job since he's a mechanic and SIL's just started a business so her time is not her own. They've only recently moved to the rural location and we could very well find that my parents are in the middle of nowhere with me unable to help because I'm unfamiliar with the area & haven't any contacts that would be able to assist etc etc. Unfortunately neither my brother nor SIL are planners and so what may seem like a great idea at the time will not have been researched at all.
My brother, SIL and I are currently not at a place where making contact and discussing is an option. Feedback??