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My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.


I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.


I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!

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Oh no, she has to go. Period.
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Anonymous is NOT saying that Nickies story is made up!! Anonymous is saying ,that Anonymous made up a fake scenario ...so everyone could look at the situation from another point of view!!AND I AGREE!! GOOD ANSWER !! Anomymous ....There are two sides to every story !! And then there is the mediocre outsider view!!!
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LoopyLoo I was mulling over the point you raise about whether husband does realise his grandmother is ill and doesn't care, or doesn't realise it; and what I think is that he started out with an idea that she would be best and safest in a happy, welcoming family environment. Nice idea, just not rooted in anyone's actual reality.

Grandma's reality, especially, is that she is finding the family environment hostile and stressful; and not because there's anything wrong with this family, not at all, but because grandma's idea of security and personal space depends on being in a completely different environment, one where there aren't any little children or friendly dogs, but where there is adult support on hand to assist her without intruding on her.

But it's a hard thing to admit that you can't make your grandma comfortable. He just needs to do that without thinking anyone is to blame for it.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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O Nikki i have been waiting to hear anything from you. Sure hoped it would be better news than this....please put yourself, your children and your beloved pets out of harm and danger. You are living with a crazy woman....please get out now. I know how easy it is for others to tell you that, but if i had the courage to get out of a dangerous marriage after 21 yrs, you can too!!!!! It was not easy but once i was away, it became easier each day.....we are thinking of you daily and saying prayers for you!!!
love and blessings, Elizabeth
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Reply to cherokeegrrl54
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I'm so sorry you are going through your situation. Without your husband in your corner you are in an impossible situation. You don't deserve to have your life taken away from you!
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Nikki, I'm sorry for the pile-on. You've been given SO much information and recommended things to do. Above, Isthisrealyreal made a great point about the mildew. Mildew and mold can be VERY dangerous. Please, consider taking the kids and dogs and you away from that until it gets cleaned up.

Please go to a friend or relative. It has nothing to do with your husband and GIL (well, technically), but the move is for the health of your kids, you, and dogs' health and safety.
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Nikki hopefully you have home owners insurance, that mildew needs to be dealt with and the longer you wait the bigger the problem becomes.

Get them out today or they may not cover everything, it's called mitigating the damages and if you don't do your part, ie getting it dealt with asap, then they can say that xyz isn't covered because you let it go to long.

She has declared war with you, 1st your house, what next? Is your husband really willing to let you or your children be injured by this crazy woman? Grandma or not, she has proven she is dangerous and she is knowingly being a pita.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 11, 2019
Yep, saw it all way too much after Hurricane Katrina here in New Orleans. Mold is absolutely disgusting and will make you deathly ill!

Homes after sitting in that rotting, stinking, filthy water became infested with black mold that wrecked havoc with people’s health! I realize our situation in New Orleans is an extreme example of mold but even in milder cases it’s bad. I have a severe allergy to mold.

Houses in New Orleans ended up needing to be gutted or as in my mom’s case and other severe cases, homes were demolished. They were beyond repair.

Nikki, please get out. No telling what this woman will end up doing! You, kids and pets deserve so much better. Please, I beg you to leave and not look back!

One other thing, staph infections were rampant here after dealing with the unsanitary conditions. Staph is nasty!

Grandma needs to be put away somewhere! I guarantee she would cause nightmares anywhere she goes but it shouldn’t be your problem!
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Nikki - !

Okay. So you and your husband were away together. He therefore accepts that you have an alibi? You return to find Granny Noah afloat in your house. She explains, then by the next day has got her story straight - it wasn't she who flooded the floor, it was YOU!

Has your husband now fully grasped that darling grandmama is a few fries short of a Happy Meal?

Have you had any luck establishing potentially useful contacts? - because this is the moment to stick their phone numbers under his nose.
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 11, 2019
A few fries short of a happy meal, hahahaha. That's classic.
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Well here's an update for those curious: grandmother flooded part of our house while we were away last weekend. She was home by herself and we returned to half of our main floor's subflooring completely ruined by water. My husband spoke with her and she attempted to tell him she had done it while trying to clean the floor. The next day, she told my husband she had meant I had done it, not her. However, she had done laundry while we were gone and I suspect she did something wrong and didn't make any attempt to clean it up.
Now my house smells like mildew and her room smells like rotting food. My husband, on his own accord, started cleaning her room. She sent him away and cleaned some more then pulled me to the side. She informed me that tol get her out I need to go to court with her. That she will not just leave. My husband walked in at the end of the conversation and told her to go to bed.
Unfortunately, it is only my husband's name on the house, so I'm assuming he has to be the one because I have no rights....
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97yroldmom Apr 11, 2019
Hi Nikki
Thanks for the update. The fact that your name is not on the House doesn’t mean you don’t have rights. Mi is an equitable property rights state. Your GM inlaw sounds like she has been evicted before and knows the law. She knows that you will have to evict her. Too bad your husband is going to have to learn the hard way that she is in control and not him. He probably thinks he is.
I feel very bad for you. A baby due and the other children to consider. I know it makes it very difficult to leave. She is toxic to you, your marriage, your family and your husband.
The protective order might be worth considering. Can you go to the police station and speak to them? A very pregnant woman is hard to ignore.
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Nikki ...

Hopefully you have family and/or friends, and have not been cut off from them.

This situation is IMMEDIATELY dangerous for your children, your soon-to-be newborn ... and for *yourself* (the only grownup on the scene). Not to mention the dogs (can someone take them for awhile?).

I am so, so sorry to have to say this ... BUT ... you need to find some way out of there, like, *yesterday*. Wherever there is help, NOW is the time to call for it.

Once you're in a safe(r) perch ... be it with family/friends, or a domestic violence shelter ... THEN is the time to seek an elder lawyer who can guide you through any other steps you need to take to protect YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.

(FULL DISCLOSURE: Way back in the Jurassic, my mother had to make a similar decision. If she hadn't acted, I probably wouldn't be here to write this hard post.)

Not a praying person, but my best vibes and thoughts are with you.
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Reply to Confounded
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It’s obvious that grandma is not going anywhere, ever. If husband isn’t bothered already, he never will be. He has let OP know via his actions that it’s his way or the highway.

There are 3 options and none are great.

1. She calls cops and gets grandma Baker acted. Husband will blame and resent her, causing more strife. And after hold expires, grandma may be right back home. Husband will stick up for grandma.

2. OP does nothing and grandma hurts kids and/or dogs. Husband will make excuse for grandma, or pin blame on OP with a “well if you hadn’t bothered her...”

3. OP takes kids and dogs and refuses to come back until grandma is out. Causes emotional pain for OP and kids (better than stabbing, I’d think). I think both OP and the husband know Grandma is a permanent resident.

It comes down to a ticking time bomb of a crazy woman IN YOUR HOUSE. There is nothing to negotiate.

Grandma WILL hurt the dogs first... do you want your kids to see this? Hear your beloved dogs scream in pain, fear and shock when she stabs them? Because she is ready to do just that with little to no provocation.

Right now, NOW, safety is paramount. And this home is not safe for any of you.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Niki:

Do you have family? If so, you call your Mom & Dad and come clean with them about this monster you are married to, then go stay with them if possible. I would not subject children to this crap..even if you don't have sense of self preservation. They are innocent and cannot save themselves. Counseling cannot fix this guy. You got a raw deal when you married him. They are all awesome for the first six months before they start the cycle of abuse (mental or physical).
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LoopyLoo Apr 1, 2019
So true, I can’t imagine having to leave at 9 months pregnant. But you gotta do what you gotta do to protect your kids and pets.

Only someone who has been (metaphorically) beaten down like this would have any conflict in leaving. Husband knows it, too.
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She can't pay the rent but wants to buy a house - she needs to go and you're going to have to be the one to get her to. I cannot believe you are going through this and for what should be a happy time for your husband, you and the children to welcome a new baby into your family!
Please look into senior housing or some of the other suggestions made on this thread - they are all trying to be helpful. I also think that calling someone in your area on aging - help groups that might have some input.
I have never seen so many responses to any one on this forum before like there has been such an outpouring of helpfulness to you. I wish you the best - please let us know how you make out.
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Reply to dinamshar9
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Niki, I had responded before and I have seen all the responses you have gotten. I have no idea what you are going through as my situation is completely different. When I had my dad living with us I realized that it was creating a problem and I moved him out to save my marriage. Fortunate for me my dad has his own home with no mortgage.

You need to get all the facts...the legal system is very unforgiving, so please make sure that you do everything by the law so that you who is being stressed out and is the real victim here don't end up getting the raw end of this situation. I pray that you will find a way to solve this situation, and unfortunately though in my previous response I suggested somethings, I feel that it is not my place to have done so. Having said this please try to get some legal help as well as counseling for you and your spouse to get through this situation and still remain as a family. Praying for all good things to happen for you and everyone in your family.
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If you feel you or anyone in family feel threatened file a restraining order or no contact order.
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Reply to katskorner
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Any updates. Hugs to you. You dont need this stress now. Reach out if you need more support. Good luck.
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Reply to Jasmina
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I have been following this thread from the beginning...nikki, you have received a lot of suggestions on this forum. Only YOU know how much more you can tolerate.
If DH granma is walking around with any knife, and as you state, has already raised her fist to your young child, i would have already called 911 to let them know she is mentally unstable and has a weapon and has threatened your children. Let them baker act her and then your husband needs to step up and be a man and tell the hospital she cannot come back to your home!!! They will have to find a place somewhere for her, hopefully where she will get meds and therapy!!!you must protect your children and animals because its very apparent your husband wont.....some how, some way, he needs a good dose of reality!!!
I sure hope you can get her out of there in the next day or two !!! Love and blessings to you 💖
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nikki0915 Mar 29, 2019
Thank you!
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Nikki I sent you a private message with a couple of links on it that I think are worth a look.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Nikki,
You are gone 12 hours a day at work?
Your husband, is he the son of grandmother's son, or what is the relationship between your husband and grandmother's son? Because grandmother's son is in jail, maybe they are talking over the family business or the stresses of having a family member in jail. Maybe your husband has no choice, and was ordered to take her in? It is understandable that the family dynamics could be dysfunctional, or even scary. Scarier than you are aware after at least 4 years married?

However, YOU CAN do this:
1) Immediately remove all knives and weapons from the residence. ALL, even taking grandmother's knife away. That is your right. Just don't serve any food needing a sharp knife to cut.
2) Move in another person who will be on your side and protect you and the children, preferably your family member, staying temporarily "to help" with the new baby and the children. Do this by doubling up people in their bedrooms.......It is only temporary. Bring in this person of your choice now.
3) Take maternity leave now, this is way too stressful for you to be pregnant and away from home. Take care of family business and help move grandma out.
4) Take your relationship with your husband back.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Nikki...

with all the responses here, if this message hasn’t gotten through to you Then I guess you will just wait till there is a stabbing or worse?

You will likely lose your kids to Social Services if you do not act now to protect them.

Wake up.

Your husband is gaslighting you.

Wake up.

he abuses you because he can. And yes, gaslighting is abuse.
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LoopyLoo Mar 29, 2019
Amen x1000.

She may be feeling powerless right now, and can't blame her, with everything she is dealing with at once. I realize I don't know the OP and can only go by what's written here... but I sense she's been worn down long before this.

"Will sign up for counseling" or "he just needs to change his priorities" or "we stay upstairs" are not solutions when there is a very mentally unstable woman roaming the house with a knife AND a hair-trigger temper!!

He has grandma on the same level of family as wife and kids. That indicates he will not kick her out or get her placed anywhere. Grandma is not going to settle down or change. She will get worse. Kids and pets WILL be hurt. The family WILL spiral down into more dysfunction.

It may just take her leaving with the kids for a short time for him to understand she's serious about "it's her or us".
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Nikki, your husband needs to understand that his grandmother is, to use the technical term, nuts.

She is also under terrible stress. Did I read elsewhere that her son is in jail? She's been evicted. She was within a whisker of resorting to a homeless shelter. She is now in a home where she continues to feel under threat, and where even she cannot have not noticed that she is not entirely welcome.

F*** selfish! - the next time he says that. HE is being negligent of HER needs. His grandmother needs secure housing, stability, and support from properly qualified people. Is he just going to ignore that?

What he is being is wilfully blind, hoping that this will sort itself out, not caring if it doesn't as long as he can stay out of it, content to blame you or anyone else so long as he doesn't have to get into discussions where he's out of his depth.

Who have you spoken to about her, her specifically? Remember, because it's important - you do not need her permission to ask for advice about her.
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dinamshar9 Apr 1, 2019
You made me laugh - "the technical term - nuts"
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Nikki, I am so sorry you are going through this trauma.
Your husband is being irresponsible and selfish. What kind of grown woman goes to live with relatives and doesn't try to help with finances and chores? Why is she not HELPING with the cooking and housecleaning instead of making a pregnant young mother clean up after her? Granny is a slob and a parasite.

If granny is thinking about buying a house, surely she can afford rent on her own. Most towns have a housing authority that can assist with rent payment.

Why was granny evicted to begin with? Sounds like she created her own dysfunctional family; Nikki, do not let her do the same to your family! Do you have any family or friends close where you could stay or at least have some emotional support?
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Reply to Runner99
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Oh nikki, from your responses it is no wonder you are stressed and at the end of your rope.

Can your husband tell you why she shouldn't have to clean up after herself? That isn't even good sense, everyone in a house should clean up after themselves, it's called respect.

If she can afford to buy a house, she should be able to go to an extended stay place for the next 6 months or at least hire a housekeeper to help out. Since she doesn't clean up, you will need to be creative in dealing with this situation until you are in a better position to make long term decisions.

I would demand that someone comes in at her expense at least weekly. I would find a senior center that has transportation and demand that she goes at least 2 days a week when the baby comes so you can have your house while on maternity leave.

The ideal solution is to get her out, but with the opposition from your husband you need to find a compromise that you can live with for the next several months.

Can you tell grandma that she needs to clean up after herself? Or does she even acknowledge you?

Try to be joyful with the new addition to your family and do one day at a time for now.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Girl did you show your husband the replys and answers you have received from everyone here ?If he sees what everyone says about Grandma carrying a knife !! Thats its INSANE !!! You can always send the kids to a sitter and wait until she acts up crazy and call 911 ask for an ambulance because shes bipolar and off her medicine and has a knife they will take her to hospital when they see her with a knife and keep her for medical evaluation then she gets 100 days in a nurseing home to get medicines evaluated for mental illness by the time shes getting out you have other plans for her liveing in a low income houseing or nurseing home permanently !! I really do think 911 is going to be your best bet but make sure your dogs are put away because cops are not always accepting to dogs especally if the dogs are barking & she is old so they will favor her so just stay calm when the cops and ambulance gets there let them know you are scared she'll hurt your kids and how young they are dont mention the dogs some people just do not like animals and will not sympathize with you about the dogs!! but the kids are number one priority
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Nikki,

You are not and you never were being selfish. I hope marriage counseling goes well for you. It’s sad that you and your children are isolated to being upstairs. I understand why you have to isolate yourself though.

It makes me wonder what the children think and how they feel about not being able to feel safe in their own home, not to mention how much they love you as their mom and don’t want you to be isolated either.

It’s not like they can have a healthy relationship with this woman, nor can you. I hope the therapist can convince your husband that there is no benefit to helping her because of the damage it has caused for your family, including your husband. He can’t be happy with all of you isolated upstairs.
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LoopyLoo Mar 28, 2019
Ah, but... He IS happy with them being isolated upstairs, because his grandma is more important than them. Isolation keeps the kids out of his hair. Isolation keeps his selfish, ungrateful (in his mind) pregnant wife quiet.

He does not want to be a husband or dad, and maybe never did. Now he just wants to be the valiant grandson who rescued grandma.
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What exactly are you supposed to be grateful for, according to your husband?
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 28, 2019
Love your rationale, Barb!
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Still no baby and still no place for grandma. She doesn't have other family available to take her and is looking at purchasing a house instead of being willing to look at apartments, and won't hear anything for 6 months. I have set up marriage counseling in attempt to get my husband to listen, but the earliest was next week. In the mean time I have tried to keep my distance and secluded myself, dogs, and my kids to the upstairs. So, now I just feel more isolated in my own home. I just want to get through to my husband. I need him to understand that it stresses me out and that I'm not just being selfish. The conversation just constantly turns into me being ungrateful and inconsiderate. I don't want to end my marriage over this. I would be devastated and so would my kids, I think he needs to prioritize better and that it may take some counseling sessions before anything positive happens.
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LoopyLoo Mar 28, 2019
Your marriage wouldn’t be ending over this. It would be ending over his selfishness and disregard for you and his kids. He doesn’t care to put effort into it and I am willing to bet that this is nowhere near the first time he’s acted so selfishly.

He hasn’t changed his priorities after marriage, two kids and another coming, so why would he change now? He’s had all this time to put you & kids first and he is not interested. He assumes you just need to put up with it, because it’s what HE wants.

She is not going to leave. Do you really want to wait and allow something to happen? Because it is a matter of time. And when— not IF, WHEN— you can very easily lose your kids via CPS since you didn’t get your kids to safety. Do you think he will stick up for you when that happens? If you feel guilt over leaving (even temporarily), it will be nothing compared to guilt you will feel when she hurts your kids or dogs, knowing that it could have been prevented.

This isn’t just annoying or a temporary inconvenience. YOU ARE IN DANGER.

YOUR KIDS ARE IN DANGER.
YOUR DOGS ARE IN DANGER.

IF YOUR HUSBAND WILL NOT PROTECT THEM, YOU HAVE TO!

THIS IS NOT SAFE.
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Hope you can find time to update us on your situation. Has your baby arrived?
i would really like to know how it is working out for you
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Anyone who carries a knife around small children and pets can't be trusted. You don't need the stress of worrying about their safety at Grandma's hands when you're already a busy working (and pregnant) mom. I get that hubby is close to his grandmother - I loved mine dearly, however, I never had to live with her. I also understand that he didn't want to see her in a homeless shelter and doesn't want to be the one to tell her she has to go, but it's extremely unfair to make you do it. You might want to sit down with him - and maybe a neutral third party - and discuss what's best for you as a couple and your family as a whole. Offer to look at assisted living facilities with him to find one that would be suitable for her. She doesn't sound like she has the temperament to be around small children for any great length of time, so she probably would be more agreeable to relocating than you or he might think.
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Folks, I love this forum. It has made my life as a care giver so much easier, not only with all the tips over the years but also with the "care givers of the world unite" support. But sometimes I think we may get carried away on a tangent with our own conversations and forget about what the OP asked. In this case, the OP that wrote "I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!" is clearly trying/wanting to hold onto her marriage - see that "without my husband resenting me" phase. I don't think naming calling her husband and advising divorce is really helpful to this poster. It also may be very unfair to the husband. I get that he is clueless about the real risks to his family and what he is putting his wife through but I don't believe some of the names can really be justified by the content of this one post.

Maybe it's my conservative Christian roots showing but I'm also not comfortable advising someone to end a marriage (particularly one involving 3 children) over a young husband acting really dumb, or at least not while there's still a chance of educating him. OP doesn't state that DH has physically abused her or the children or deliberately emotionally abused them; only that he wants his grandmother to have a home and isn't understanding the stress this is putting on his wife or the dangerous environment grandma is creating for his wife and children. I respect the posters who feel risking his family is enough for an ultimatum and a divorce if necessary and I completely agree if the husband cannot come to see his first consideration and loyalty belongs to his young children and their mother. I would just be more comfortable if that advice was stated more as an end game after attempting to work things out. Separation and a counter ultimatum (I'm not coming home until it's safe for my children) might be better immediate advice for the OP, or maybe just something she is more ready to hear. Just my point of view, I realize that one of the greatest strengths of this forum is the variety of views expressed. If you find anything in this posting offensive, please accept my apology because that is definitely not my intention.
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LoopyLoo Mar 28, 2019
Understandable. What is upsetting people (and me) is how blatantly dangerous this situation is. When danger is imminent for those who can’t defend themselves— kids and animals— it does someone no favors to tiptoe around.

The advice is harsh, maybe even radical. But an armed mentally ill woman in the home is beyond an annoyance or just giving time to adjust.

Call me silly, but I would get to safety and call the cops on any unhinged, knife wielding person down the street, let alone in my house!
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