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My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.


I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.


I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!

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Wow. The solution is simple
tell husband it’s Granny or me and the kids. Straight up
have your backup plan ready if he chooses his grandmother. At least you will know your place in his heart
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mally1 Mar 21, 2019
That's what I thought when I read it..... he acts as if he doesn't care; spending most of his time with grandma, etc.
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"She walks around my house with a knife in her hand. . ."

"She has already raised her fist at my youngest son. . . "

I think you must already know deep down that this situation is completely crazy. Your description of her does not sound like someone who should be left alone with children, and possibly not your dogs either.

I'm not sure where you can go from here if your husband is refusing to do anything. Would he go to counseling with you to discuss this, or to a clergy person/pastor? Maybe you should consult a divorce attorney about what kind of support you could get if you separated? Is there someplace you could take the kids and live there for awhile in the hope that your husband might come to his senses? Would granny-from-hell even agree to leave if you could through your county's Area Agency on Aging possibly find her low-cost senior housing?

Does she have diagnosed mental health issues, or drug issues or. . . Where are her children in this?

I'm very sorry that you are in this situation, and with a baby on the way. This has got to be extremely stressful, and you don't need extra stress right now!
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rovana Mar 21, 2019
Counseling is good, but seems to me this situation is too dangerous - have to ACT!  Discussion is not needed. Danger to kids is real. Abuse is real - having to deal with this kind of situation is abusive emotionally and eventually almost certainly physically.  I would no longer waste time trying to persuade husband - a wimp is a wimp. Time to deal with this. Grandma leaves. If necessary call the cops and baker-act her.  Doing her a favor in my opinion.
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"He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay."

Yup! Sounds good to me :)

Gather together everything you know about the dear lady into a sort of dossier, then contact your area's social services and start handing her over to them. Given her mental health issues and her challenging behaviours and her age and her track record of homelessness, she is going to be eligible for all kinds of support, some of which you will not have known existed.

Your husband doesn't want to be the bad cop. I'm sure you don't either! - but if that's what it's going to take, would it bother you that much? I don't think it would me. And in his secret heart, I suspect you'll find it actually won't bother your husband that his grandmother is properly accommodated somewhere appropriate for her needs.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
CM,

Move our, get a divorce attorney too!
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While she's carrying the knife around, call the cops and request she be taken for a mental evaluation as someone dangerous to herself and others. Then do not allow a discharge back to your home. Contact APS and identify grandma as a vulnerable adult that cannot share a home with your children; let them find her a placement. Hubby should be happy that you have taken care of the re-homing grandma as he requested.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
TN,

Husband may not be happy. He isn’t supportive of his wife and kids. At this point, who cares about hubby’s happiness. The safety of the children and mom who deserves not to be stressed during this pregnancy is the most important.
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Wait a minute..... this lady is your husband's grandma?!? Does your husband have a death wish? You need to sit down with your husband and tell him the trurh: his grandmother's actions may result in the loss of your kids. Going after the kids with a knife is grounds for immediate removal by CPS. And they don't view children as people....they view them as property. Since she's HIS relative he needs to talk to her and start supporting you in your pregnancy. Failure to do so will result in him losing everything.....even facing jail time if officers feel he failed to protect HIS KIDS! He went over your head, disrespected your boundaries and now he needs to own it as an adult. I'd love to 'chat' with your husband and show him the light! But I'm not his wife....you are. Good luck sweetie, I'm rooting for ya! Where I come from, a man clings to his wife and supports her in all she does. Period.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 25, 2019
THANK YOU!!! Someone finally hit the nail on the head!!!
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She is going to injure or kill your dogs. Just a matter of time until she snaps. Do not leave her alone EVER with your dogs or children! She’s mentally unstable and this is a dangerous situation. Keep any knives or dangerous objects locked away.

She is not going to get better. She will get worse. You have to step in to protect your kids and dogs if your husband won’t!

You may need to call police and get them to remove her from the home— thus getting her for a mental evaluation and then straight into a nursing home.

Tell your husband either she goes, or he goes. I’m serious. This is frightening.
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mally1 Mar 21, 2019
I agree; have seen it happen... just a matter of time - what about protecting the new baby when it comes, too?
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I have not read the first ten responses here, but here's my advice: take those children, pack a few bags, and get yourselves into a motel, immediately! Then tell your husband you and the children will return when it's safe to do so. Meaning, when his mom is out of the house and the house is clean. You are putting your children at risk and if something happens to them you could lose them to state custody and find yourself in prison! Don't worry about the dogs, or farm them out to a friend or even, if necessary, take them to a shelter and hope you can get them back later. The children take priority. Good luck, I'm praying for all of you. Courage!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
Love it!
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What if she trips and falls, "accidentally " stabbing one of your children or you?

You don't seriously leave your 2 and 4 year old with her while you are at work, right, I miss understood that, right?

I usually feel all kinds of understanding in these hard situations but not when children and animals are put at risk because no one wants to be the bad guy.

Your husband is an awful role model for your children, he is says that great grandma and her comfort come before the safety of my family, you have to feel so loved by this wimpy little boy that has unfortunately fathered 3 children.

I would kick her out the door for even thinking that stabbing my dogs was any solution to her irrational fear. Let alone if she actually did it, she would be done with this world.

You need to remove your children from this situation, like yesterday. If something happens you will probably face charges, you leave your kids with her and that means you are complacent. Not threatening you at all, please don't take it that way, but it is reality, watch the news. People are doing all kinds of crazy stuff and the law is starting to crack down hard.

I just can't understand endangering your children because grandma has made life long bad choices. Grow some buddy and protect your kids and wife.
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LoopyLoo Mar 21, 2019
Yes... and it bugs me to see some replies like “get her in daycare, find things for her to do, get her used to the dogs...” NO. This woman isn’t a menace; she is mentally ill.

This is not a situation where grandma just needs time to adjust. This is seriously dangerous. It’s got to be so heartbreaking that the husband is okay with all this and is happy to sacrifice his marriage and family. He can have her! You won’t get her to move out unless it’s via police and get her Baker acted.

She is going to stab, beat, and/or kill your dogs— and she won’t mind doing it in front of your kids. You HAVE TO protect yourself and your family NOW. Call the police and get her Baker acted. NOW.
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Where are her children? Can you talk to any of them? You are in a dangerous situation. I doubt even if you get her a place, she will go easily. I would call the police. Tell them you are frightened for your children and dogs. If they do nothing, call Adult Protection Services. Tell them the same thing. Hopefully, they will come out and evaluate the situation. Do not clean up her messes. Allow them to see it. Your husband has put it in your hands.

At 66 she should be receiving SS and Medicare. There maybe HUD apartment complex in your area. The ones in my area are fairly nice. They require 30% of your income for rent. Electric and TV are your responsibility. The one in my community the transit bus comes to. Also, Office of Aging has a bus for shopping and appointments. She could get food stamps. She could get Medicaid as secondary insurance. Then she would have dental and vision. Scripts would be a low copay.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
All viable solutions! Think the hubby thinks she shouldn’t be in a homeless shelter for any length of time while waiting for services. Maybe she wouldn’t even go to a homeless shelter though. But she needs to leave their house!
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There are so many differing answers here I hesitate to add mine to the pile. After reading through and thinking it over, what you have here is a classic power struggle. He holds the power but you want to get your power back. He’s making the mess he created into something you need to do something about. This is not healthy in a marriage which I’m sure you know. Get thee to a counselor if for no other reason then to have it on record what the situation is at home.
I would make a list for hubby and tell him what his job is in terms of cleaning up after his grandmother as you will no longer do it.
You don’t say why she was evicted but it’s possible there is section 8 housing or low income housing for seniors she can afford. But to put this in your plate is mean spirited of your husband. Being married is being a team, and he is not on your side. An objective counselor could help him realize the issues. In the meantime, hide all knives and do not leave the children with her. If you see her threaten anyone call 911.
Im so sorry you are dealing with this. Your husband is showing his true colors and unless he wants to be paying child support with visitation rights, he needs to step up and out you and the kids first.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 25, 2019
Most sensible answer iv read yet....it’s easy to give advice if your not or never have been in a situation like this....some of these replies are utterly ridiculous!!! Thank you @Harpcat for being there with some common sense!
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