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My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.


I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.


I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!

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My heart goes out to you. How did your husband get involved in her affairs? She isn’t your responsibility. I don’t think you are selfish at all. What is her health like? How old is she?

My mom lives with us. It’s hard.
Make sure grandma is in a safe place and visit if you like, or let your husband. Tell your husband that you miss family time and you and the kids need him. Grandma is not top priority. She can still hold a place in her grandson’s heart but not above his own family.

Why does she not not pick up after herself? Is she not able to.

A knife? My lord, to protect herself from the dog? A bit much.

I guess you coud try putting signs up to turn things off or pay higher bills.

Good luck. Help hubby look for assisted living or nursing home.
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rovana Mar 21, 2019
I suspect that husband is not up to actually dealing with Granny - easier to leave the mess to his wife.  Denial and laziness.
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Try finding adult daycare for her. Ask local hospital or doctor or social services of any outside activities you may enroll her in. Any other grandchildren she can visit for awhile? I agree with hubby, I wouldn't want to see my grandma in a homeless shelter. Have hubby install rules for grandma.

Ask her to help with kitchen duties and meal planning. Incorporate your kids to plan meals with grandma and some light activities. Have her help walk the dogs. Walk with her.

Grandma wants attention, perhaps she is acting up for that reason. Find local activities for senior citizens at the library or call social services. Perhaps get her involved in the local botanical gardens club, or tea time club, etc.. Get her busy in some kind of hobby.
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rovana Mar 21, 2019
All these are good suggestions - but not for someone like Grandma, who walks about little kids with knife at the ready.  I suspect that if you looked into this situation, Grandma is mentally ill and needs treatment and to be living somewhere that is appropriate for her issues, not in a home with a young family.
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"She walks around my house with a knife in her hand. . ."

"She has already raised her fist at my youngest son. . . "

I think you must already know deep down that this situation is completely crazy. Your description of her does not sound like someone who should be left alone with children, and possibly not your dogs either.

I'm not sure where you can go from here if your husband is refusing to do anything. Would he go to counseling with you to discuss this, or to a clergy person/pastor? Maybe you should consult a divorce attorney about what kind of support you could get if you separated? Is there someplace you could take the kids and live there for awhile in the hope that your husband might come to his senses? Would granny-from-hell even agree to leave if you could through your county's Area Agency on Aging possibly find her low-cost senior housing?

Does she have diagnosed mental health issues, or drug issues or. . . Where are her children in this?

I'm very sorry that you are in this situation, and with a baby on the way. This has got to be extremely stressful, and you don't need extra stress right now!
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rovana Mar 21, 2019
Counseling is good, but seems to me this situation is too dangerous - have to ACT!  Discussion is not needed. Danger to kids is real. Abuse is real - having to deal with this kind of situation is abusive emotionally and eventually almost certainly physically.  I would no longer waste time trying to persuade husband - a wimp is a wimp. Time to deal with this. Grandma leaves. If necessary call the cops and baker-act her.  Doing her a favor in my opinion.
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Wow. The solution is simple
tell husband it’s Granny or me and the kids. Straight up
have your backup plan ready if he chooses his grandmother. At least you will know your place in his heart
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mally1 Mar 21, 2019
That's what I thought when I read it..... he acts as if he doesn't care; spending most of his time with grandma, etc.
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She is clearly making your home unsafe for your children. This is the top priority. What if she actually attacked one of your children?
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She is going to injure or kill your dogs. Just a matter of time until she snaps. Do not leave her alone EVER with your dogs or children! She’s mentally unstable and this is a dangerous situation. Keep any knives or dangerous objects locked away.

She is not going to get better. She will get worse. You have to step in to protect your kids and dogs if your husband won’t!

You may need to call police and get them to remove her from the home— thus getting her for a mental evaluation and then straight into a nursing home.

Tell your husband either she goes, or he goes. I’m serious. This is frightening.
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mally1 Mar 21, 2019
I agree; have seen it happen... just a matter of time - what about protecting the new baby when it comes, too?
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Move yourself and the kids out until he can make other arrangements for mom.
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"He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay."

Yup! Sounds good to me :)

Gather together everything you know about the dear lady into a sort of dossier, then contact your area's social services and start handing her over to them. Given her mental health issues and her challenging behaviours and her age and her track record of homelessness, she is going to be eligible for all kinds of support, some of which you will not have known existed.

Your husband doesn't want to be the bad cop. I'm sure you don't either! - but if that's what it's going to take, would it bother you that much? I don't think it would me. And in his secret heart, I suspect you'll find it actually won't bother your husband that his grandmother is properly accommodated somewhere appropriate for her needs.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
CM,

Move our, get a divorce attorney too!
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Good grief! Three kids under 5, and he thinks another needy person in the house is a good idea?!? Only if it's an excellent nanny.

Seriously, counseling is in order for you all. He thinks she's a sweet old lady who helps with the kids. You think she's a dangerous menace. She needs a place to live. There's got to be a workable solution, which IMO is she moves out of your home. But perhaps ground rules could be agreed upon that you could try living with--This is what an independent counselor could help with. Whoever can't accept or abide by reasonable standards of family behavior just leaves the home. Gramma, husband, or you. This needs to be resolved before you have the next kid, so get crackin'.

Just another thought, DCS probably would not approve of children living in a home where someone carries a knife in hand for "protection." They might offer you (and Daddy) some advice.

If Husband and Gramma refuse to be reasonable, Pandabear is right.
If Gramma can't go to a homeless shelter, tell him you and the kids will.
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Truly this is a dangerous situation - grandma obviously has mental problems - walking around with a knife? Your little kids have to deal with this?  Better hope that child protective services doesn't hear about this.  It is just WRONG to treat little kids this way! Abuse, in truth.  And she is "in charge" of these little ones with no reliable adult on the premises?  They are sure learning some things about family life, so called, which kids should not have to learn.
Hate to say it, but your husband is a coward.  She is his responsibility and he must find suitable placement for her ASAP. And he calls you "selfish" because you want to protect your kids.  What a wimp!
Seriously, area agency for the aging should be able to give you some options - you have to get her out and as soon as possible.  And get her psychiatric treatment - why was she evicted? Does she routinely trash her environment?  She is plain dangerous and creating health hazards and child abuse. If husband will not listen, I'd consider legal steps. Hopefully social workers can advise you and posters on this forum will have advice too. Stand strong and protect those kids.  They are probably scared silly of her walking around with a knife.  First the dogs, then we are next. That's how little kids think.
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I have not read the first ten responses here, but here's my advice: take those children, pack a few bags, and get yourselves into a motel, immediately! Then tell your husband you and the children will return when it's safe to do so. Meaning, when his mom is out of the house and the house is clean. You are putting your children at risk and if something happens to them you could lose them to state custody and find yourself in prison! Don't worry about the dogs, or farm them out to a friend or even, if necessary, take them to a shelter and hope you can get them back later. The children take priority. Good luck, I'm praying for all of you. Courage!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
Love it!
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What if she trips and falls, "accidentally " stabbing one of your children or you?

You don't seriously leave your 2 and 4 year old with her while you are at work, right, I miss understood that, right?

I usually feel all kinds of understanding in these hard situations but not when children and animals are put at risk because no one wants to be the bad guy.

Your husband is an awful role model for your children, he is says that great grandma and her comfort come before the safety of my family, you have to feel so loved by this wimpy little boy that has unfortunately fathered 3 children.

I would kick her out the door for even thinking that stabbing my dogs was any solution to her irrational fear. Let alone if she actually did it, she would be done with this world.

You need to remove your children from this situation, like yesterday. If something happens you will probably face charges, you leave your kids with her and that means you are complacent. Not threatening you at all, please don't take it that way, but it is reality, watch the news. People are doing all kinds of crazy stuff and the law is starting to crack down hard.

I just can't understand endangering your children because grandma has made life long bad choices. Grow some buddy and protect your kids and wife.
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LoopyLoo Mar 21, 2019
Yes... and it bugs me to see some replies like “get her in daycare, find things for her to do, get her used to the dogs...” NO. This woman isn’t a menace; she is mentally ill.

This is not a situation where grandma just needs time to adjust. This is seriously dangerous. It’s got to be so heartbreaking that the husband is okay with all this and is happy to sacrifice his marriage and family. He can have her! You won’t get her to move out unless it’s via police and get her Baker acted.

She is going to stab, beat, and/or kill your dogs— and she won’t mind doing it in front of your kids. You HAVE TO protect yourself and your family NOW. Call the police and get her Baker acted. NOW.
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If you don't protect those children you risk losing them. Should grandma stab one of the kids, the ER nurse and doctor will report you to childrens' services.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
That thought alone would motivate me to get rid of grandma!
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Where are her children? Can you talk to any of them? You are in a dangerous situation. I doubt even if you get her a place, she will go easily. I would call the police. Tell them you are frightened for your children and dogs. If they do nothing, call Adult Protection Services. Tell them the same thing. Hopefully, they will come out and evaluate the situation. Do not clean up her messes. Allow them to see it. Your husband has put it in your hands.

At 66 she should be receiving SS and Medicare. There maybe HUD apartment complex in your area. The ones in my area are fairly nice. They require 30% of your income for rent. Electric and TV are your responsibility. The one in my community the transit bus comes to. Also, Office of Aging has a bus for shopping and appointments. She could get food stamps. She could get Medicaid as secondary insurance. Then she would have dental and vision. Scripts would be a low copay.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
All viable solutions! Think the hubby thinks she shouldn’t be in a homeless shelter for any length of time while waiting for services. Maybe she wouldn’t even go to a homeless shelter though. But she needs to leave their house!
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While she's carrying the knife around, call the cops and request she be taken for a mental evaluation as someone dangerous to herself and others. Then do not allow a discharge back to your home. Contact APS and identify grandma as a vulnerable adult that cannot share a home with your children; let them find her a placement. Hubby should be happy that you have taken care of the re-homing grandma as he requested.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 21, 2019
TN,

Husband may not be happy. He isn’t supportive of his wife and kids. At this point, who cares about hubby’s happiness. The safety of the children and mom who deserves not to be stressed during this pregnancy is the most important.
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So does your husband have this arrangement with her for free babysitting? Pay a sitter that is sane! Did he have a relationship with her prior to her moving in? Is she a mom figure to your husband? Does his grandma have children living nearby? Was he aware of her mental state before moving her in? I am trying to come to some conclusion as to how he could neglect his wife and kids in favor of her. There is no rational reason for him to behave this way.
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Wait a minute..... this lady is your husband's grandma?!? Does your husband have a death wish? You need to sit down with your husband and tell him the trurh: his grandmother's actions may result in the loss of your kids. Going after the kids with a knife is grounds for immediate removal by CPS. And they don't view children as people....they view them as property. Since she's HIS relative he needs to talk to her and start supporting you in your pregnancy. Failure to do so will result in him losing everything.....even facing jail time if officers feel he failed to protect HIS KIDS! He went over your head, disrespected your boundaries and now he needs to own it as an adult. I'd love to 'chat' with your husband and show him the light! But I'm not his wife....you are. Good luck sweetie, I'm rooting for ya! Where I come from, a man clings to his wife and supports her in all she does. Period.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 25, 2019
THANK YOU!!! Someone finally hit the nail on the head!!!
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Why would either of you expect her to babysit the kids if she is threatening the dog with a knife?
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What happened to the OP?
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LoopyLoo Mar 21, 2019
Concerned too.
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No further word from Nikki0915 yet? Hope the worst has not already happened.

Leaving with her kids will be tough, but it’s much better than her kids witnessing animal abuse/torture or them getting tortured themselves.
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nikkie - you have 2 problems. Problem one is the grandmother-in-law from hell is living in your house. Problem two, which is your bigger problem, is your husband bringing her in and allow her to be there and giving you the middle finger.

You have to solve the problem with your husband first before the granny-from-hell problem can be solved. You two really really need marriage counseling. Try your best to get him into counseling with you.

Your husband tried to play hero saving a damsel in distress, but what he brought home was a crazy distressed damsel. And he doesn't care who's paying the price. He has forgotten his responsibility as a husband and a father because he's busy playing a heroic dutiful grandson.

Perhaps, a good therapist, if you attend church, a pastor or priest. or an older relative that you both respect can help talk some sense into the grandson who doesn't know he has to be a father and a husband first.

He can help granny, but it doesn't mean his wife and young children pay the price.
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Andy22 Mar 22, 2019
Ditto that. Plus, the CPS/safety concerns are very real. A local psych crisis mobile team to evaluate is another option to police in some states. But - immediate concern is safety - then, marriage counselor. Couldn’t agree more.
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Probably have to go legal to get her out, since she is "nesting".

Barring that, you may wind up taking the dogs and moving out, since it appears husband is not going to go against Grandma.
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cak2135 Mar 26, 2019
You and your kids, along with the dogs, need to leave this dummy
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OP, how far along in your pregnancy are you? This stress is not good for you or baby. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
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I did not expect so many replies so quickly and just now started looking through everything! I usually arrange for other people to watch my kids. I'm due the end of April which is when I requested to have her out by originally. I did already contact a counselor to get in to marriage counseling. I suppose I am scared that he would chose his grandma, which is why I haven't presented an ultimatum...
Her son is in jail and no one else is in a position to take her in (not that we are).
I think my husband has been making me feel like I'm the one who is crazy and mean for not wanting her to stay with us. I believe it would be different if my kids were grown and she needed help, but I truly am exhausted.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 22, 2019
Is your marriage really that unstable that he would choose granny over his own children?
Best to know what kind of man or boy now.

Usually means you do leave your kids with her, correct?
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What do you think will happen if you call 911 and say she has a knife.??
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 22, 2019
Not a bad idea, SendHelp. Could also lead to an evaluation. 911 calls are recorded so a record is kept. Smart advice.
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"He says family is family and I shouldn't differentiate his grandma, mom, sisters etc. From myself and my kids..."

This is called "having no boundaries" and it may be the way he grew up.

It is unhealthy.

"If I am not for myself, then who will be? And when?"

That's a quote from about 2100 years ago, by a very wise man.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 22, 2019
Indeed it is! Very wise words. How do we get so confused to allow that behavior from husband and grandma? Maybe due to being vulnerable and hormonal. OP is pregnant with fourth child. That breaks my heart. Wife deserves extra care carrying life within her, plus caring for other children and working to boot! This woman is Super Woman! None of us should have to go that extra mile with a crazy grandma around.
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Have been thinking and praying about this and had another thought. There should be no need for you and the kids to go to a homeless shelter, you may be able to get into a women's shelter instead. Tell them the situation and that you aren't safe at home. Many shelters for the homeless only provide shelter for the night and make you (and your children!) leave by 7 am, then you can't come back until something like 9:00 at night. It's not like living quarters or a nice comfortable motel. Again, best wishes, and be safe!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 22, 2019
Yeah, Desert

Her kids are young enough to do that. Some don’t take older teens.

I personally know at least 6 women that have stayed at them with their kids. Very sad. But they were so grateful to have the shelter. I donate to them occasionally when I can. They like personal items, something to lift their spirits, nail polish, make up, hair stuff, small toys and books for the kids, etc.

Its not only sleazy men who abuse their wives. Two of the women I know were doctor’s wives. They lived in mansions but were at peace at the women’s shelter. They also drove up to the food bank in their BMW’s and got care packages. When survival mode kicks in, pride goes out the window. Loving moms will do anything for their kids.
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Nikki, family is family, so you can't differentiate.

Does that mean all the female relatives on his side of the family carry knives around and are complete slobs? Just curious.

I would put my foot down about you having to clean up after little miss piggy, she is so flipping wonderful, have at grandson because you want her here, you get to deal with all the work she creates.

I have no patience with pigs, I would traumatize the old bag for leaving MY HOUSE a pigsty. What kind of house guest does that. Don't answer, it's rhetorical.

Do you have anyone that can and will help you? This situation will not get better, she has already set him and you at odds, she feels like wonder woman and who knows what she will pull next.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 23, 2019
ITRR, Yeah too exhausting for her to clean! She shouldn’t even have to think about cleaning after her. What kind of example for the kids too? So sad.
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You know, I am sorry that her son is in jail. Still not yours/husband’s responsibility to take grandma in.

She flat out needs to go or you do with the kids.

I guarntee if I went to jail, my kids would/could not take in my mom, nor would I want them to.
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Nikki, thanks so much for checking back in. I agree with others that you may need to call 911 or go to a women's shelter but in case it's helpful, here is a link to Muskegon County's Area Agency on Aging:

https://seniorresourceswmi.org/resources/

From their website:

"Tell us your story. . . We're here to help.

Call one of our trained Options Counselors: (231) 733-3585 or 1-800-442-0054 . . .

We will listen to your unique life situation, present options, and help guide you to information and resources. We can help with eligibility for government supported programs, application processes, options for long-term care services, and we can serve as a neutral source for aging-related information."

I see from the website that the phone line is open Monday-Friday, 8 AM to 4 PM.
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