I also sold my house it was just too big. I live in NC he lives in Buffalo. I still have not found a house. If I mention any type of help he won't have it. No strangers. He is a very needy person. Some days I'm okay with him living with me, others not so much. He wants me to live with him. That will not happen my family is in N.C. It makes me feel guilty. I am just starting to get my life back in order. I lost my husband suddenly. Any suggestion on how to handle him getting him to make up his mind. I have a brother who is out of the picture. I also have a sister but she still works and has her own issues. My dad does not always listen to me about his meds. One other thing while I am looking for a home I am living with my son. He says we could live with him but with my dad it would be a disaster. He thinks he is head of house meaning telling you about how you do things raising kids or just going to store after dark. Any suggestion would be great. Sometimes I feel selfish because I'm just starting to get my life back. Just yesterday he told me if I would come live with him he would pay $200.00 a month. I told him no. I do come back to Buffalo to help him out. Thank you for any advice.

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Any grief counselor would tell you not to make major decisions so close to losing your husband. It is too difficult and not a good time. As you said, you are only now getting things to feeling halfway normal.
What I find so interesting and frustrating about an elder parent is that in no way will they accept help coming to their home or going to live in AL but by golly they will impose on their own children. So basically it’s fine for him to put his foot down. Guess’re an adult and it’s fine to put your foot down. And doing so is not wrong so you have no reason for guilt. What I expect you feel is this "societal norm" to feel like it’s your duty. You are still going to be grieving for years as you roller coaster through this massive life change. Tell your father you are not in a position to have him live with you nor you with him. End of sentence. But that you are willing to help as you can from a distance. If he wants to move into a nice AL near you then you will help with that.
Sending hugs as you deal with your decision and realize you have as much right to boundaries as he does.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Harpcat

In my opinion, no one should take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Do you have durable power of attorney (financial and medical) for your dad? If not, getting his paperwork in order - POA, living will, will - is your first step.

Help your dad sell his house and use the proceeds to pay for a unit for himself in a retirement community in Buffalo. There are plenty of retirement villages in and around Buffalo.

Your father is pressuring you and that is unfair. He may not be aware that he is taking advantage of a sensitive time in your life. Unfortunately, many old people become self-centered and unrealistic (I had to laugh at his $200 a month offer).

From North Carolina, start researching retirement villages and inquiring about units and cost. Make a list of the ones you want to visit by yourself the next time you're visiting your dad. Take your dad to tour and have lunch at the ones that make your final list.

From North Carolina, you also can make contact with a realtor in Buffalo. It's time for your dad to downsize. It's already mid-March and the best homes go up for sale early in the spring. A realtor can help you determine if that can get done this spring or to prepare for next spring. Once your dad is settled, perhaps you will feel a little less burdened and future plans for yourself may unfold more organically. Mourning and grief cannot be rushed.

You have my deepest sympathy on the devastating loss of your husband.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw

I'm so sorry for your recent loss. And it is recent and you said it was also sudden. You are likely still reeling from the shock and it wouldn't be a good time to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life and possibly your dad's. If you can stay with your son a while more and your dad can function with some help for a short time - wait. Give yourself a chance to catch your breath and make some well thought out plans. One thing I would advise is that you don't move your dad in with you if you don't want to be his caretaker. And there is NO shame in that. It is very difficult to care for a person with dementia and it carries it's own guilt when you begin to resent the person for their total reliance on you and your inability to do what you want/need to do. It's okay to be his daughter without being his caretaker.
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Reply to lablover64

It's only one year since your entire future was upended, through no doing of yours. Be fair to yourself. Something very like this happened to my daughter's future mother in law, eighteen months ago, and she too is still only now finding her feet again.

Look, you really DO have to put yourself first. Your whole life is still off balance. You are in no position to be somebody else's mainstay. Not now.

What would your father's plans have been if your life had not changed and he wasn't including you in them? See if you can help him pick up from there again.

But keep your own plans separate. It is early days, but have you been able to think about where YOU would like to live and what YOU would like to do?

Your later working years and early retirement are not going to be how you planned, and I'm sure losing your husband was devastating. But that doesn't mean that you can't still look forward to a different future. Please keep in touch and let us know your thoughts.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Countrymouse

Jm, I'm sorry for your loss - you're starting this next chapter pretty young. I guess if there's something good in it all, it's that you are still young enough and have the health to create a good life for yourself. But it's all so new yet, and you need time. Your father's request that you uproot yourself and move is not reasonable. Equally unreasonable would be if he decided he should move in with you.

You can give him all the reasons in the world and he'll probably do "yes, but..." So keep it simple - "No, I couldn't possibly do that". You're not being selfish - you're being a functional adult.
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Reply to Linda22

Do you really want to spend the next several years of your ADULT life being treated like a child under your father's roof? Even I get chills thinking about it.

Tell him you have a LIFE in NC and do not want to move. He can't argue with you saying you don't want to do something. That $200 stipend offer was hysterical.

There is nothing wrong with telling him that you don't want to spend your golden years cleaning up after him. I would use that if he tries to guilt you into caring for him. Assure him you will help him find care but it won't be you doing it.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to lkdrymom

No, is a complete sentence.

You have no reason to feel guilty, you want a life. That is completely normal. You have said it all, your dad will make a mess of it.

He can move into an assisted living facility and get the support he needs while you remain his daughter. This is acceptable and not one person can say different.

Read this forum and see how hard it gets and you will know that not becoming his caregiver is the smartest thing you will ever do.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

You already know that living with your dad would not be a good idea. You just need to learn to say "NO, that won't work for me". It doesn't mean that you are abandoning him. You have the right to live the life you want to live now - and find your way without your husband. I'm sure your plans have radically changed after the sudden loss of your husband. Take time and take care of yourself.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Kimber166

There are some great suggestions around here. And, if you still aren't convinced or still feel guilty, I would keep reading other threads on this site about adult children who have taken their senior parents to come and live with them. MOST of the time, it's not positive. I came from a family where multiple generations lived in one house, but, that's not for everyone and when we did it, no one was needing a caretaker every day. At the time, even my great grandparents weren't very old. I'd seriously think about living with a very needy person, as you describe him, who is 86 years old. That sounds like it might be a job for several shifts of professionals.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Sunnygirl1

Make sure you can live long-term with whatever decision you choose. It will be harder to undo later.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to ACaringDaughter
Isthisrealyreal Mar 15, 2019
Just being alive isn't living, taking on the care of a dad like she describes would suck the living from her life. He can be well cared for without her giving up her life. Facilities are not a bad choice and offer much more than any home can provide.
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