I am 62 years old. I lost my husband a year ago. My 86 year old dad says he wants to come live with me. How should I handle this?

Well I think if it was the other way around your father would always have your back. Patient's have this saying you always have a home no matter what! Meds are no big deal play with him by hiding meds in his food or drinks. His lonely without family.. if your getting your life together we'll in clude him in with respect and patience show him that u have your ways and he has his. Tell him how much you love him!! be around him. God has the rest! We have are trials in this world. I believe that your father and your self be very happy.
Sorry for your lost.,🙏💕 Don't let ''Satan sepetate u and your father."
Work on relationship with him!
Remember God knows your purpose in life.

Let me be clear...DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN!!! And don't feel guilty. Your life is just now getting back on track. You can give him any # of reasons from your family is in NC to you are still working or even still grieving. Tell him you will come out and help him find assisted living place or someone to help him. Clue him in to the reality of federal wage laws. I don't know about NC but in California, $200 would only cover 8 hours of care. I am single, 61 and mom lives with me. Care giver comes in 4 hours a day 2 times a week to bath mom and do her laundry. It helps as I still work full time. But if I had it to do over again, I would have moved her to assisted living because as her dementia gets worse, so do the issues.

Wow! $200/month or $6,67/DAY, Minimum wage is around $10/HOUR.
What would you do with all that money? Tell him to keep his money to hire outside help, and see how long his $200 will last. He is out of his mind. And that may be the case literally.

Don't even touch that 'generous' offer with a 10-foot pole, unless you want to volunteer for servitude. You are forewarned.

Say no thanks...You can’t live on $200 a month. It’s not Year 1920

I'm not sure if you are asking live with him or him live with you? Live with him is easier to get out of--just move out. Now him living with you is another matter. If it doesn't work out how do you get him out of your house? What possibility is there for him to move to assisted living? I understand that he is saying no but if given no choice what will he decide tnen. Let me just say that if he offered me free room and board and $200 (and I don't know the guy), my answer would be no. You said the word "needy". And I thought "no way". Please don't base your decision on feelings of guilt. Make a decision using rational thought. Think about not just the first month or year but all the years you will be doing this. Based on what you wrote, it seems like your asking permission to not do it without feeling guilty (pardon me if I'm wrong). I think you know what you want. I'm sorry you lost your husband. I know I harp on these, but two things. Make sure his Will, POA, health care POA are in order. Possibly see a therapist for a few visits to hash this out.

I told my mom (who could be difficult), when she & stepdad could not care for themselves any longer, they could come live with me.. Mom passed away & my stepdad lives with me.. he’s pretty easy going, so I don’t have the issues you have.. BUT, I’m sure you’re happy your son lets you live with him & I feel it’s our obligation to care for our elderly parents..I am 69, still work, not married. It’s not easy all the time but if I keep my thought life in check, it is better.. you cannot think negatively & be happy.. and remember, they took care of us & probably still would, if they could.. Sorry if you don’t like my answer but I think you’re wanting someone to okay your attitude

You are judging yourself without judging whether your father is being fair. What is your father expecting for his $7 a day?
His meals cooked, served and cleaned up? His washing done, dried and sorted? His house cleaned and kept tidy? His weekly shopping done? (and does he expect his $7 a day to cover the cost of his food, or is that ‘pin money’ for you to fritter away?) Will you need to contribute to household bills in return for ‘free rent’? Are you fit enough to take on yard work and occasional DIY? And it’s all down to you – he says ‘no strangers’.
That’s just for now. If he needs personal care – mobility, continence care, a personal driver – it rapidly gets to be an even better deal for him.
Emotionally, he is ‘head of the household’. He expects you to move and get your life together in a strange place, starting from scratch. He will have no obligations as an employer. If you want to quit, he has lost nothing but you start all over again.

Is this reasonable for him to expect? Not likely! If he thinks it is reasonable at 86 when you aren’t suggesting that he has dementia, is he likely to become more reasonable later on? Why do you say that you want him ‘to make up his mind’? Why wouldn’t he do his best to guilt you into this amazing deal for him?

Stop judging yourself and take a look at reality. In spite of his shortcomings, you wouldn’t want him to be a victim of a huge exploitive scam, so don’t go there yourself!

I am sorry about your husband and your life being so much in upheaval. I have ONE WORD OF ADVICE - DO N O T LET YOUR FATHER LIVE WITH YOU. Your life, aside for a few good moments, here and there, will become hell. You are an adult. You would be subjected to being controlled, manipulated and used to provide full-time care for your father. You have a son, you had a big loss, you are 62 years old and not getting any younger. You have a chance now to start on a new life and live doing things that make you happy. Your son may one day decide to leave and you will be burdened with caring for your father and find it is too late for YOU. Find a solution as to what to do with him - put him somewhere safe - but do not think for a second it would work if you allow him to be in your home. Don't do it. Your turn to live life is NOW.

There are lots of good answers here. One thought were you aware that you can receive your husbands social security until you retire? Some people don’t know that. I’d find out about that and spend at least 2 years getting your life together before considering helping others.

No doubt everyone of us has heard the statement that no one should make ANY big decision when they've just been devastated by the loss of a LO, in this case your DH. In no way are you in any "right frame of mind" to suggest that dad live with you as you're in the grieving process.

Hi, How are you today ? I actually live in Australia but just got back from being a month in San Fransisco.

I write asking you:

How do you feel day in and day out:

Waking up to coffee with your Dad.
Prompting him to take his medication.
Asking him for $200 per month.
Tidying the home.
A role in his monthly or weekly Doctors and hospital's appiontments.
Having free unlimited contact with your children.

Just to let you know: I just had a month from having a break from caring for my husband for a month. We are both only 52 years old. I love and care for my husband. One continued sticky point with caring for him is he is not good from just having a one on one intamite friendship with me.

But the good outweighs the bad. Hugely.

Mum is 77 years old. Because of my huge role of caring for my darling husband there is no way I would be able to care for her in the years to come. She is:

Demanding.
Needy.
Very bad with managing her money.
Lies.


I'm asking you what do you think will be in the balance. Will the good outweigh the bad?

Hi. You are at a very vulnerable time right now. Your emotions are all over the place This is not the time to be making big life altering decisions
From reading your words, I feel you already know that you don’t want your father living with you. You still haven’t figured out your own future direction so why take him on
if you were his son and not his daughter would he be asking? Why do people assume that the woman will drop everything, give up their plans and devote their life to caring?
Is your father having financial troubles or other worries. Perhaps you and your son go and see him to find out what might really be going on. As I always say be assertive not aggressive. Be strong and don’t give in. I am sure there are alternatives that would work

When my widowed mother was 83, she was beginning to fail, so we invited her to move from FL to an independent living facility near us.  She accepted, since most of her friends and relatives in FL had passed on.  In the next seven years, her decline continued and she progressed from independent living to assisted living to Skilled Nursing (and finally supported by Medicaid).  I am so grateful to God that we did so, since those were precious years, even though difficult at times.  Guilt worsens if we don't respond and then lose our parent, but there are many ways to respond in a loving way.  If your dad was a military Veteran, there may be other resources available, such as State Veterans Homes or a Veterans pension to help with expenses. 
Jerry Hansen
Elder Law attorney
Carlsbad, CA

DONT DO IT! I love my mom but 6 weeks of her living with me was enough for both of us. Your words show your reluctance to do this.

Very few people go willingly to assited living but it may be his best option. Mom tried it out for 3 weeks and made the choice her self. She has her cleaning and laundry done, meds administered, meals prepared, help with bathing, safety monitoring, etc.

You cant pay for this kind if help in home. Consider that the staff of an ASF goes home after a 6-8 hour shift, if he lives with you you are on-call 24-7 and never reallly get a chance to relax. Its like having a toddler again!

Call A Place for Mom and talk to a councilor about finding a place for him, they were a huge hepl to me. We toured several places, at meals there, talked to residents and staff. Ultimately it was Mom who made the choice. Its not perfect but she is taking her meds as ordered, eating well, and has a choice of activities.

Be firm and tell Dad his choices dont include living with you.

Be gentle but No...its time for you to live your life...not take on another...living project. Tell thanks but no thanks you're just fine and want to live your life and do things you wanted to do now.

I don't know how Medicaid works but many on this forum do and have been through it for their parents. Moving him from New York where he paid taxes to North Carolina where he didn't, doesn't sound sensible to me should he ever need Medicaid. Medicaid is 50/50 federal/state. Medicaid in New York is different than Medicaid in North Carolina.

Buffalo's cost of living is 82/100 meaning it's cheaper than the US average. North Carolina as a whole is 96/100 meaning it's more expensive than Buffalo. That also means that, if you sell his house, he will have fewer proceeds to pay for assisted living in North Carolina as compared to Buffalo.

Another thing to consider is does he have friends and family in Buffalo? Old people need to be around their peers. Find out if any of his old buddies or neighbors are now living in a retirement village in Buffalo.

Well..at first I thought maybe he thought he'd be helping you dealing the loss, providing some household income. But he wants YOU to move back to Buffalo? Like so many of us, writing it down, it makes the answers so much more obvious. He has a personality type that would make it an immense challenge to deal with. You will be the one burdened no matter where he is, but it will no doubt be worse if you are in the same town. You've clearly been through enough. I'd think long and hard before making this offer, but beyond saying no, since you sound like you have support/family and want to remain in NC, you might suggest he could move down to NC as well. That is an amusing thought to me in my own circumstances: My sister took off to get away from being annoyed by our parents (and possibly me?), responsibilities to them and moved south. I always wonder how she'd deal with it if we announced we were moving close to her. But she can be pretty sure that isn't happening since I can't tolerate heat and humidity. But if you did that, you'd risk Dad living very close by.
It clearly won't work for Dad to live with everyone if he is going to persist the way his personality is...and he is clueless as far as his allowance to you. That doesn't barely cover a day of private hire. Don't feel guilty. You are still young, grieving, and have life left to live. Contact the area agency on aging in Buffalo an provide him with the some resources.

Don't do it. You have your own life to live and adjusting to a major change in your life at the moment. Your Dads health will get worse and will be more difficult for you.
Make boundaries that suit you so you are still assisting him but he is not making all the rules. If he does not want strangers or help he will need to live with consequences of that. He will try to wear you down to getting his own way all on his terms. I had similar situation with my Father now in care facility.
He asked me out of desperation if I would go and live with him after years of him hinting. I said no as I had a life to lead and also that he will never compromise and wants his own way. He was not happy and still blames me for where he is. To look after him at home would now be impossible but he is in denial and still believes he will go home some day. Stay strong and firm .You can still be kind. Good luck with this

I personally would not move. Especially from a warm climate to Buffalo! I had thought about doing the same thing, but my mom went into assisted living and we are both better off. She gets very nasty at times and I would have literally been a prisoner in my own home. Also, their dementia can worsen very quickly, and then what do you do? I do not have any brothers or sisters, so everything would have fallen on me, which it sounds like would be the case for you too! All I can say is stand your ground, pray a lot, and try to be strong. ;)

I'm.also 62 and alternate care of my 90 year old mom with my sister. 3 days a week. It is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. You WILL become his caregiver as he ages and it's not easy. My mom declined within a year, needing help with everything. I have to shower her, help her change depends when she has accidents, help her dress, make her meals. Its physically and mentally exhausting. Be prepared to give up your independence. If you have doubt, then find another way. That's not selfish. I wish I would have. We love our parents and want them to have the best. But we are not all cut out to be caregivers of an elderly person. It IS hard.

Any grief counselor would tell you not to make major decisions so close to losing your husband. It is too difficult and not a good time. As you said, you are only now getting things to feeling halfway normal.
What I find so interesting and frustrating about an elder parent is that in no way will they accept help coming to their home or going to live in AL but by golly they will impose on their own children. So basically it’s fine for him to put his foot down. Guess what...you’re an adult and it’s fine to put your foot down. And doing so is not wrong so you have no reason for guilt. What I expect you feel is this "societal norm" to feel like it’s your duty. You are still going to be grieving for years as you roller coaster through this massive life change. Tell your father you are not in a position to have him live with you nor you with him. End of sentence. But that you are willing to help as you can from a distance. If he wants to move into a nice AL near you then you will help with that.
Sending hugs as you deal with your decision and realize you have as much right to boundaries as he does.

Make sure you can live long-term with whatever decision you choose. It will be harder to undo later.

I'm so sorry for your recent loss. And it is recent and you said it was also sudden. You are likely still reeling from the shock and it wouldn't be a good time to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life and possibly your dad's. If you can stay with your son a while more and your dad can function with some help for a short time - wait. Give yourself a chance to catch your breath and make some well thought out plans. One thing I would advise is that you don't move your dad in with you if you don't want to be his caretaker. And there is NO shame in that. It is very difficult to care for a person with dementia and it carries it's own guilt when you begin to resent the person for their total reliance on you and your inability to do what you want/need to do. It's okay to be his daughter without being his caretaker.

I would like to add that I believe at least part of my parent’s refusal to discuss future plans is their long-standing cheapness and reluctance to spend any money which they always brag that they have plenty of. I believe the mindset is that if I bring up the subject of their affairs, then I must want their money. Also, please note that my uninterested brother who visits my parents on the average of every 5 years, lives in the same state that we are planning on moving to - approximately 1,200 miles away. I feel very despondent - as if I am in a no-win situation.

Any additional insights would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your previous input - it was so helpful.

Not selfish. Let that go, please. Look out for him, but that doesn't mean sacrificing your own life. Get your life back. This is so tough, but stay strong and if you do what's best for you, it'll be best for him also.

There are some great suggestions around here. And, if you still aren't convinced or still feel guilty, I would keep reading other threads on this site about adult children who have taken their senior parents to come and live with them. MOST of the time, it's not positive. I came from a family where multiple generations lived in one house, but, that's not for everyone and when we did it, no one was needing a caretaker every day. At the time, even my great grandparents weren't very old. I'd seriously think about living with a very needy person, as you describe him, who is 86 years old. That sounds like it might be a job for several shifts of professionals.

One Word: No.
You are just getting your life back together. It may be good for your Father but bad for you. Too much tension and stress - a recipe for disaster. You have a perfect out - even though you do not have to explain yourself.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - coming from a frequent guilt-trip traveler like myself.
Hope this helps.

Just want to say thank you to all of you for your encouraging words. You are,all so right.

No, is a complete sentence.

You have no reason to feel guilty, you want a life. That is completely normal. You have said it all, your dad will make a mess of it.

He can move into an assisted living facility and get the support he needs while you remain his daughter. This is acceptable and not one person can say different.

Read this forum and see how hard it gets and you will know that not becoming his caregiver is the smartest thing you will ever do.

Do you really want to spend the next several years of your ADULT life being treated like a child under your father's roof? Even I get chills thinking about it.

Tell him you have a LIFE in NC and do not want to move. He can't argue with you saying you don't want to do something. That $200 stipend offer was hysterical.

There is nothing wrong with telling him that you don't want to spend your golden years cleaning up after him. I would use that if he tries to guilt you into caring for him. Assure him you will help him find care but it won't be you doing it.