My Mother moved in with me Dec of 2017. The doctors did not think it wise being on her own, although my Mother was always independent and raised three children on her own. My Mother has a PT/OT, Aides, Home health nurse and a wound doctor that come out and take up most of my time. I make her meals, wash her clothing, make her drinks, coffee, food etc and bring them to her. She was in the hospital for fifteen days then sent to a senior rehabilitation to build her strength up. She stayed there almost a month. She came home in a Wednesday and was doing great with her exercises and walking through the house because they want her to be able to to for her self. That worked out for about four days till the PT and OT shows up. They wanted her to exercise and the prop her legs do to lymph edema/Cellulitis. She became angry and now went back to what got her in the hospital to begin with. I ask to prop her legs, exercises, eat right and get up more often to use the restroom. She has a $50 a month life ins policy for $3,500 which leaves me holding the bag for the other $4,000. She has a cell phone bill and that all out of $790.00 a month. My bills are higher washing her clothes separate, running my gas higher because she’s cold, and food that she needs to be eating due to being a diabetic, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. She draws all her money but her $50 and cell bill out of the bank and keeps the rest, but not to better herself. She self neglects he Drs orders, pays us no attention when trying to help her all the while struggling on our bills and food. She gets $49 a month on food stamps, but needs two protein drinks a day that we found for 2 for $3. That’s $21 a wk and $84 a month and she don’t even try to keep money for that, let alone help with finances, nor her health. She sends Aides with money three days they’re here for whopper combos, sweet teas and things she don’t need, when there’s so much she does need. I cook homemade meals and she don’t eat because of eating food she don’t need between 1-3pm. She sees that we are struggling and seems to not care as long as she gets why she wants. She seems to have a good mind set, well they haven’t deemed her cognitively impaired for me to make decisions for her that could benefit us all and her in the upmost way. I’m at my wits ends and have my house over run five days a week with Aides, PT,OT, HHN, APS that I feel I have no home of my own and she does not do anything they say. It’s just like she wants the attention with no intentions of doing what they say. We’ve all went out of our way to explain things to her but it’s like she knows it all. She barely knows what goes on with her bank acct and it bothers me that she has all this money left, but doesn’t want more life ins, a bed, clothes, socks, shoes etc. What do I do to help her, help us, help her, without feeling like we need or want her money? What can we do to get through to her that I’m grieving myself to death for over a year, while she treats me as a stray dog and like this is her house? In my mind, if I lived with my daughter whom is very bright and looking out for my best interest and caring for me, outside of more life ins, I’d want my daughter to have any monies that I did not need to better her family to better me. That’s is all I’m saying and asking. What do I do in a situation like this? I’m so torn, depressed, grieving and she doesn’t understand what she’s doing to me and my husband. Bless his heart, he has took this way better than I have and without him I’d be lost. Help! Anything would be a light in my would on what my next move should be. Thank you all so much!

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Tell her no one flies free, she either pitches in or she changes addresses.

If she is not taking care of herself you can not care more than she does, it doesn't work.

I would not let her guilt you into paying her way, that is a selfish attitude and quite common in people that think their children should care for them no matter the cost.

I would also tell the aids that are fetching food that they are contributing to her demise and to stop. Contact their employer and find out why they think buying a diabetic sweet tea would remotely be acceptable. Tell them no more fetching food, she eats appropriate foods or goes hungry, she won't starve from 1pm to 3pm.

You sound so tired, it is probably best that you find her a new address.
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There is no reason to have PT or OT is she isn't doing what they say. Ask them to discharge her.

Why is APS involved? Is the HHN a nurse part of the agency that the OT/PT is associated with. If you cancel OT/PT then her services should stop too. Do you need her/him?

Why are you stuck with paying part of her insurance? I think $50 a month is a lot for a 3500 policy. Anything she needs personally needs to come out of her money. That includes her special drink. You may want to sit down and tell her what she is responsible for. That you cannot afford to "keep" her. She needs to pull her weight. If she can live on her own, maybe its time to find a place she can afford. Suporised she gets Food Stamps. My nephew in on Medicaid and when living with my Mom he was not allowed FS if Mom was not on them too.
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It sounds like it's not working out. Caregiving is really hard work and unfortunately, it's for the benefit of a loved one, who is sometimes unwilling or unable to graciously accept the help, show appreciation, behave appropriately or treat others fairly. Sometimes, there is cognitive decline that could be causing these normally nice people to become rude and inconsiderate, but, whatever, the cause, I'd likely figure out where mother would be moving to and begin the transition. It's really not likely that you can make a senior change her ways at this point. And, if you don't decide what's making your life miserable and make the change, it won't likely happen.

You might discuss it more with her doctor. The doctors don't always know what's going on in the home. They just ask some basic questions and address the physical ailments. I asked my LO"s doctors and physical therapists why she was so rude, uncooperative and resistant to care. They said she was spoiled and lazy, but, that wasn't true. Later, we discovered it was dementia, so, I'd keep my eyes open and consider that it might be that she just can't do any better. Still, you have a right to be happy in your home. I'd still explore getting help and getting some peace back.
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