These boards have many comments on family dysfunction and struggles among siblings. So I guess here goes one more and appreciate your feedback on how you would handle things.
My parents are in their 80's and dad is caring for my mom with AD at home. The last year has been increasingly difficult as mom's illness progresses. Dad is 83 and burned out. He is proud and refuses assistance, so I just show up with food or start cleaning the house or doing yard work and he never stops me. I do what I can to ease his burden and help mom know she is loved.
My older sister makes everything worse. She escalates issues, gossips, and complains about even spending a few hours with mom and dad. She says their house is depressing. Dad developed a nervous habit of grinding his teeth (well, he's stressed out) and all she does is make fun of him. Instead of bringing a solution - such as researching rehab facilities after mom's surgery - she just adds it as a task to my dad's list. I've asked her not to bother our dad with one more thing to do, but she gets defensive and tells me she doesn't have time (she doesn't work, but does find time to volunteer).
A couple months ago she told me she thought a new PCP would be better for mom & dad. Two days later I saw she sent a demanding email to our dad telling him that she and I decided he needed to find a new doctor and gave him a numbered list of tasks to do in big bold letters. I was disgusted at the tone and lack of regard she showed and that she dragged me into it.
Just last week she said she thinks dad is having a vodka on the rocks each night before going to bed. She said it was too much and was going to talk to him. She asked me to talk to him too, but I refused because I know her approach would be abrasive and dad would feel hurt and bullied. She got mad at me for not agreeing, said she didn't know why she ever bothers to call me, and hung up. I've noticed dad has not called me since and I believe she lied to him and told our dad that I too was concerned about his nightly drink. I am sure dad is hurt. This is the last thing he needs from his daughters.
I feel like my sister is underhanded and only out for herself with no regard to how her actions impact anyone. I disengage with her, I never call her unless she has called me, I never see her outside of family functions and I do not plan to see her until father's day in six months. I guess this isn't unusual, but I wish it was better. Thanks.