How do you manage sibling rivalry?


Hello All, I am venting so please bear with me. My mom and dad are 91 and 84 respectively. They live with my younger brother. The were all living together and they sold their home and he bought one so they moved into his. He has lived with them his entire life he is 52 and never married. My parents had 5 children. My sister who was older than I passed away. My only other brother is not interested in family matters and the youngest siblings is special needs and is cared for at home by aides and my mother. I am the only family member that lives out of state. However I am the one that does the paper work or set up medical procedures. I am the point of contact for all of their personal and business matters. My father was very sick and had to go to a nursing home for a few months during that time I discovered he had bank accounts only his name was on. I signed him out of the nursing and took him and my mom around to the different banks in their town so we could put my mother's name on the accounts. I have been putting out "fires" for them for years. My brother who they live with does not how to manage life's affairs. He is oblivious to business matters. He works full time yet charges them $1000 a month to live with him. They buy the food he eats. I have been married and living in another state for more than a few decades and my brother has always resented me for this. But now it's just he and I managing my parents care and we don't get along well enough to work together. The last straw was since my father can not any longer drive and I live out of state my father's car is what I used to shop for my parents and take them to doctors appointments when I go there which is every 5 weeks or so. My father has told me many times he wanted have the car; but I leave it there and kept it in my father's name. My brother owns the car now and sent me a copy of the title. My father is not in good health so I did not want to press him as to what exactly happened but to say I was hurt and annoyed is an understatement. Also my mother does not see anything wrong here and did not understand why I was so upset. My brother is not mature enough to help me plan for the inevitable. My parents keep telling me they are counting on me. They know they can. I would do anything for them. But I told my parents I will help them in any way I can but I refuse to play nice anymore with my brother. I'll continue to help with the support of my husband and family. I have tried to understand my brothers resentment toward me; but now I no longer care. My brother has made it clear to me I can not trust him. This is just one incident I have decades of slights. By the way, in the event I outlive my mother; my special needs sister will have to move in with me. Since my brother and my sister have lived with parents their entire life; my mother wants them to remain together. That's not possible. He plans to fight me he told me so. I was wondering if someone else had elderly parents concerns and a crazy kinfolks as a bonus. How do you manage? Thanks for the vent.

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Lovethem, it sounds as if your parents have a codependent relationship with your brother. After all, they AGREED to this living arrangement, yes?

Why do you assume that your sister should move in with you when your parents die? Why can't she remain where she is with brother?

Rather than try to manage this all from another state, you might look into hiring a Geriatric Care Manager who can be "boots on the ground" and possibly have a more dispassionate relationship with your brother around the issues of your parents' increasing needs.

With regard to the car, did you ask your BROTHER why he had dad sign the title over? Was it in part because dad should no longer be driving?
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Do you have DPOA? I do, and somehow my siblings thought it was going to make me rich, and that it meant that I had to do everything, and that they had a say in that 'everything.' We couldn't work out our differences, so I do everything, and we went our separate ways.
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