How does one handle a crying parent when you arrive and leave them with another caregiver?

Some times role's change as parents age/ have memory loss. A parent may cry in the very same way a toddler would if Mom left him at daycare so she could go to work. It's hard to adjust to seeing a parent decline and become vulnerable. Maybe having too many caregivers confuses your dad. He may also have some caregivers who are not a good fit, are not patient with him, or just not trained well.It may help if he could get a consistent trained male caregiver to be his new" buddy." They could do some fun " guy stuff" companion activities along with personal care. If it's a good fit, your dad will feel secure because he trusts the caregiver and not be so clingy with you. I'm a service coordinator for in home care so it's my job to train and match caregivers to clients based on personalities and needs. Often finding the right caregiver can make everything smoother and give the family a break as well.

My mother cried a lot, When a person gets older, they become more emotional. Prayers sent.

Plan your visits to end just at the time when an other activity starts. Ex: right before breakfast, lunch, evening meal, start of his favorite TV show, a visit from someone. Then head for the door and don’t look back for his reaction. “Bye!!! See you later!!

Show love during the visit. Don't say "good bye" or "have to go". Just leave.

Oh my. My heart goes out to you. My dad (87) is in a nursing home since Nov. 2019. He's been diagnosed with demetia but has essential tremours also. I haven't had that experience yet. But must come with the territory. He knows me some days and some days no..... I believe I would lie also and sneak out.... Hugs my friend

I read where you wished you could hug him and say goodbye. I would start hugging him and saying how much I love him, doing this randomly could help you be able to do it on your way out the door or a bit before and not solicit tears from dad.

He is a lot spoiled by all of the attention. Learning to not be sucked in to the manipulation is your challenge. No criticism, it is okay if you girls want to do this for him.

My dad always had something very important that he needed to tell me just as I was leaving. I learned to say I am going, I love you, see you later, bye! As I was walking out the door I could hear him trying to engage me to get me to stay. I bawled the first few times and then it got easier because he was always just fine when I showed up the next time.

Why so much over care? He is in a nice facility, it is their job to care for him. He will never let go as long as everyone keeps doing what they are doing. Sleeping overnight so he can be prepped for his caretaker? That is a new one for me.

I would back off and let him acclimate to his surroundings, let him start participating in the activities on his own, not with one of you taking him, directing his every move, perhaps he cries like a baby because he is being treated like one. TT his doctor and the director of the home and get their input.

I wish you the best and I hope that you will reevaluate this entire process for all concerned.

He acting like a child! Ignore him he will get over it.

Of course, checked with your father's doctor about his crying and whether their might be some medical intervention. If sneaking out helps him to remain calm or if sneaking out helps you deal with the crying better than You have to do what you have to do. remember you are not doing anything that really harms your father, that you are doing the best you can under the circumstance. This is not a situation you can control or change. Remember, that your father may not be anymore in emotional control and that his crying may be a part of health problems. This is especially true if your father was not a cryer before.

I have snuck out and I have used fibs of having an appointment etc. for a while my dad was crying when I’d come visit and he could never tell me why. His doctor switched his antidepressant and that helped. Sadly now his dementia has advanced where he is belligerent, and sometimes violent with the staff. I long for the crying days.

Your father needs to stay and you need to go, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. It's o.k. and reasonable to be sad at leaving. I still get sad every time I have to leave my mother and she gives me that terrified puppy-dog look. No crying or begging, but the look has the same emotional effect. My mother no longer understands that I don't live there anymore, and I have to get back to my wife and boys after my visit.

One thing I do that helps me, and I think helps her, is to leave while she is sleeping and leave a note: "Bye, mom! I had a wonderful visit, and I will see you soon. XOXO." She has my little notes posted all over the house. :-)

Sneaking out is o.k. and in most cases would be the kindest thing you can do for your father.

All the best!

So between you three sisters and your son and paid caregivers, your father has 24/7 companionship AND is living in a fully-supported facility? Is that right?

I don't often say this, but it is quite difficult to see what your father has to cry about! Still, if he is becoming distressed that is hard for you to witness. I think you will have to keep in mind that his emotions are the result of changes in his brain and not any failings on your part, and you have no grounds to feel guilt.

Do what is practical to avoid triggers - I wouldn't call it sneaking out, for example, I'd call it handing over to the next caregiver so that your father isn't made aware that you're leaving.

My mother's crying became so chronic, even with the staff, that the aged care facility itself brought in Dementia Support Australia to try to sort things out. Just say goodbye and walk away. Let the staff handle the resident after that.
Although there are times when we have to walk away like a mother leaving her child on the first day of school because nothing is going to work, we mostly get a good response when we use a set excuse that mother has accepted in the past while she was still living at home alone. Despite her advanced progressive dementia, she somehow senses/accepts that I hate to drive at night. So I tell her I won't be able to stay long because it will get dark on the way home. Normally she would be distracted after a few minutes, but somehow where time is an issue she can retain some memory and keeps reminding me to watch the time. I try to make my leaving coincide with meal times, as most others will suggest. I should add that this excuse works even if I arrive at the facility at 11am.
After a while it becomes second nature to push the boundaries where the truth is concerned. It really is a kindness to all concerned in the long run.

My Mom was in an AL. I would go just before dinner. I was told by the CNA that Mom wouldn't stay seated if no food was in front of her. So I would go and sit with her in the Common Area while they got everyone seated and set up. Then the aide would hollar, OK. I would sit her at the table, say by and leave.
When my daughter visited, she would tell Mom she had to get to work.
You do what u can to lessen their anxiety. If its a little fib, so be it. Sneaking out the door so be it.

My Aunt had ALZ and was in an AL. My Mom went to visit and on the way out saw my Aunts sister, Moms SIL. Sister said to my Aunt, just saw Peg guess she was here for a visit. My Aunt said Peg wasn't here.

They get like children. And like children on their first day of school, you kiss and hug them and walk out the door. Because hovering only makes it worse.

How often do you go see him? Is it a consistent time and day?

Does he behave this way when other people leave him?

Do you act cheerful and tell him how much you are looking forward to seeing him next time when you leave?

My former mil used to try the guilt trip thing, but I refused to be drawn into her drama. I also would not be pressured into saying when I would be back.

Sneaking out is probably the best solution.

It is okay to do this, it helps you not feel bad and it keeps him from getting upset, win-win.

My mom behaves in a similar manner when I leave her with a caregiver, and it's only for a couple hours twice a week. She is truly fearful of what might happen with the caregiver. I think it's part of dementia and anxiety that comes with it. I assure her she will be safe ( I don't allow caregivers to move her, since she's non weight bearing) and she's always calm and happy when I get home. Maybe talk to your dad's doctor about it? My mom's doc told me mom needs different people to interact with other than me

That’s so sad. Must be hard for you to see. Take comfort knowing he is being well cared for.

Hugs!