Mom is 83, has dementia. Step father 78, has stage 4 heart failure. Mom is getting mean. Step father wants to put her in AL. I don't agree.

jowanna, if your Mom is getting mean it could possibly be an Urinary Tract Infection, as such infections in older people can mimic dementia, make the person act mean, see things that aren't really there, etc. This can be corrected.

Or it could be a case where your Mom still thinks her hubby is active person who is now become lazy.... when in reality he needs to learn to use a walker, guys really like those rolling walkers. When my parents were in their 90's, my Mom still thought my Dad could still do everything on the "honey do" list, but at his age he should not have been climbing ladders or crawling under the sink.

Would your Mom and Step-Dad be interested in Independent Living at a senior facility? It would depend if they could budget for the cost. That way, Mom could have friends from her own generation, and maybe Step-Dad would get out bed knowing there were guys his own age there, too. Just a thought.

My Mom had refused to moved to such a place, but after she passed my Dad was ready to sell the house and move. He loved his new apartment and never looked back :) Then when the time came, he moved to the facility's Memory Care section.

It sounds as though your Mother will not leave him. That is the real fly in the ointment. I would see about getting them both into care. Either together or apart. I can't see how it would work with your Mom living with you and being unwilling to do so.

It isn't clear to me where your mother and step father live, are they also in Florida and within an easy commute to you or would this mean a more or less permanent end to the marriage? And when you have hosted her has it been a short visit when she is likely on her best behaviour or has she been able to sustain this 360 for several weeks? And does step father have kids of his own who are involved?

My personal thought is that AL is the best place for both of them so they could keep their marriage intact but also allow for extra care and the chance to socialize and spend time apart.

You must advocate for your mother and let the chips fall where they may with your stepfather. He is the fly in the ointment to your mother’s care and safety. Use your POA for your mother to get her affairs in order. Notify your stepfather’s family and let them know you will be removing your mother from the home. You don’t need to divulge any more than the barest details to them unless you want to, but they should be notified that he will be in the home alone without care except for the good graces of the neighbor.