I am currently dealing with a very complex situation. I have a parent who is suffering from Alzheimers. The Alzheimers is getting very bad.
However what makes things more complex is that I have never had a good relationship with my family. I had a psychologically and physically abusive childhood. My parent with Alzheimer's and my step parent have never been a source of support in my life. My other parent died when I was young. I believe I have psychological issues as a result of my life growing up. Life is difficult for me. I have been extremely independent for a long time also.
Since leaving the family home I have not had much to do with my parent or step parent. Asides from the occasional meeting for a dinner or lunch two or three times a year. This has been in the nature of formality rather than an engaged experience. I have always remained distant from my family.
Now that my parent is getting bad there are increasing calls upon me to help. This parent has to be supervised at all times due to safety risks and cannot be left alone even for 30 seconds. I have spent around 8 lots of 4/5 hour sessions with the parent in the last couple of months since they got worse. There is increasing pressure upon me to assist and spend more time, supervising, entertaining, helping to toilet, feeding etc.
Now I am concerned about finances. The parent needs to go into care. There is some govt support but its all very complex. There is a fair amount of risk there might be insufficient support to cover it. I am concerned that I will be subjected to pressure to help fund it.
I am also very angry that the parent and step parent have been to blame to be in the financial and health state they are in. They have been reckless with spending for the last 25 years. Holidays, boats, dinners, drinks, parties, excessive travel, cars, non stop. And it still continues now. They have also been unhealthy and the parent undertook all the lifestyle risks for contributing to alzheimers: smoking, drinking, rich diet, no rigorous mental stimulation, no exercise.
I have very little in the way of time to offer. I work two jobs, 6 days a week 50/55 hours a week. I have some money but not a great deal. I don't have enough to afford to buy a home as a live in an extremely expensive part of the world. I live in an extremely frugal manner to try save enough for a deposit.
I am concerned about what little I have being threatened by my parent's situation and the pressure placed upon me after how I have been treated.
I am not sure where things sit with this. I am annoyed by advice from most people who have had a supportive family not have a dysfunctional and abusive childhood and family life like I had so they cant work it out. I feel like my family has caused issues for me and created psychological problems for me rather than been a source of support at any time.
It also difficult as despite all this I still place myself in the shoes of the parent and the anxiety they probable feel and want to help try and ease that.
So I am interested in thoughts as to what might be appropriate level of support I could provide or maybe none at all. I am especially interested to hear from adult children of abusive parents without much resources in a similar situation and what you have done.
In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it.