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My 98 yr. old father often cries and whines even sometimes begs to go home with me. He always has a caregiver with him including other family members. I hate to feel guilt tripped which is often the case week after week. It’s gotten to the point that we have to sneak out.

Sneaking out is probably the best solution.

It is okay to do this, it helps you not feel bad and it keeps him from getting upset, win-win.
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Sharona74 Jan 19, 2020
Thank you!
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My Mom was in an AL. I would go just before dinner. I was told by the CNA that Mom wouldn't stay seated if no food was in front of her. So I would go and sit with her in the Common Area while they got everyone seated and set up. Then the aide would hollar, OK. I would sit her at the table, say by and leave.
When my daughter visited, she would tell Mom she had to get to work.
You do what u can to lessen their anxiety. If its a little fib, so be it. Sneaking out the door so be it.

My Aunt had ALZ and was in an AL. My Mom went to visit and on the way out saw my Aunts sister, Moms SIL. Sister said to my Aunt, just saw Peg guess she was here for a visit. My Aunt said Peg wasn't here.

They get like children. And like children on their first day of school, you kiss and hug them and walk out the door. Because hovering only makes it worse.
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Your father needs to stay and you need to go, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. It's o.k. and reasonable to be sad at leaving. I still get sad every time I have to leave my mother and she gives me that terrified puppy-dog look. No crying or begging, but the look has the same emotional effect. My mother no longer understands that I don't live there anymore, and I have to get back to my wife and boys after my visit.

One thing I do that helps me, and I think helps her, is to leave while she is sleeping and leave a note: "Bye, mom! I had a wonderful visit, and I will see you soon. XOXO." She has my little notes posted all over the house. :-)

Sneaking out is o.k. and in most cases would be the kindest thing you can do for your father.

All the best!
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Sharona74 Jan 22, 2020
Thank you! You make me feel better.
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That’s so sad. Must be hard for you to see. Take comfort knowing he is being well cared for.

Hugs!
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Sharona74 Jan 19, 2020
Thank you! You are right. I know he's being well taken cared of and could even say he's a little bit spoiled as we haven't left him alone since he e broke Hus hip in May of 2018.
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My mother's crying became so chronic, even with the staff, that the aged care facility itself brought in Dementia Support Australia to try to sort things out. Just say goodbye and walk away. Let the staff handle the resident after that.
Although there are times when we have to walk away like a mother leaving her child on the first day of school because nothing is going to work, we mostly get a good response when we use a set excuse that mother has accepted in the past while she was still living at home alone. Despite her advanced progressive dementia, she somehow senses/accepts that I hate to drive at night. So I tell her I won't be able to stay long because it will get dark on the way home. Normally she would be distracted after a few minutes, but somehow where time is an issue she can retain some memory and keeps reminding me to watch the time. I try to make my leaving coincide with meal times, as most others will suggest. I should add that this excuse works even if I arrive at the facility at 11am.
After a while it becomes second nature to push the boundaries where the truth is concerned. It really is a kindness to all concerned in the long run.
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So between you three sisters and your son and paid caregivers, your father has 24/7 companionship AND is living in a fully-supported facility? Is that right?

I don't often say this, but it is quite difficult to see what your father has to cry about! Still, if he is becoming distressed that is hard for you to witness. I think you will have to keep in mind that his emotions are the result of changes in his brain and not any failings on your part, and you have no grounds to feel guilt.

Do what is practical to avoid triggers - I wouldn't call it sneaking out, for example, I'd call it handing over to the next caregiver so that your father isn't made aware that you're leaving.
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Sharona74 Jan 22, 2020
Thank you! Yes he has 24/7 care. I'm sure its part of the dementia that makes him this way. One caregiver told me that he calls out my name even when sleeping. She said he doesn't cry with my other siblings. I don't if it's because I am the baby in the family or because he spent a lot of time with me after my mother passed away 20 yrs. ago. It's tough but you all have helped me understand that I'm not doing anything wrong. Again Thank you!
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My mom behaves in a similar manner when I leave her with a caregiver, and it's only for a couple hours twice a week. She is truly fearful of what might happen with the caregiver. I think it's part of dementia and anxiety that comes with it. I assure her she will be safe ( I don't allow caregivers to move her, since she's non weight bearing) and she's always calm and happy when I get home. Maybe talk to your dad's doctor about it? My mom's doc told me mom needs different people to interact with other than me
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Sharona74 Jan 19, 2020
Thank you! He mostly has us three daughters caring for him but on Weds. He has a daytime caregiver and a different caregiver at night. He is in a nice place with lots of activities that we all take him to.
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How often do you go see him? Is it a consistent time and day?

Does he behave this way when other people leave him?

Do you act cheerful and tell him how much you are looking forward to seeing him next time when you leave?

My former mil used to try the guilt trip thing, but I refused to be drawn into her drama. I also would not be pressured into saying when I would be back.
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Sharona74 Jan 19, 2020
I'm with him on Sundays, Thursdays, every other Tuesday midday and overnight. On the other Tuesdays my son spends the night with him and I go on Weds. am at 7am to get him ready for the hired caregiver. If I don't sneak out which is mostly on Sundays, I'll tell him for instance that I'll be back early in the morning. I wish I could say bye and give him a hug without him crying. Wish I was stronger mentally.
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Of course, checked with your father's doctor about his crying and whether their might be some medical intervention. If sneaking out helps him to remain calm or if sneaking out helps you deal with the crying better than You have to do what you have to do. remember you are not doing anything that really harms your father, that you are doing the best you can under the circumstance. This is not a situation you can control or change. Remember, that your father may not be anymore in emotional control and that his crying may be a part of health problems. This is especially true if your father was not a cryer before.
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I read where you wished you could hug him and say goodbye. I would start hugging him and saying how much I love him, doing this randomly could help you be able to do it on your way out the door or a bit before and not solicit tears from dad.

He is a lot spoiled by all of the attention. Learning to not be sucked in to the manipulation is your challenge. No criticism, it is okay if you girls want to do this for him.

My dad always had something very important that he needed to tell me just as I was leaving. I learned to say I am going, I love you, see you later, bye! As I was walking out the door I could hear him trying to engage me to get me to stay. I bawled the first few times and then it got easier because he was always just fine when I showed up the next time.
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