How do you handle the guilt from taking some time for yourself?

I’ve learned not to allow my mother to manipulate me. People manipulate others often via guilt, to control them. That’s not right nor fair. You don’t “owe “ that to anyone

Why should you feel guilty? Is she old because you did it? Sick due to you? Life is life, being willing to help is one thing but when someone demands you give up any semblance of a normal life for them, that’s not healthy.

My my mother is a narcissist so a pro at manipulating. For me the easiest way to handle it is pretend she’s a toddler. If my grandchild did something to get her way how would I react? I wouldn’t give in, I’d stand my ground but I’d do it without yelling or screaming. I may bring her a trinket back( a fancy dessert or something) but I’d still go.

I answered this previously in a post below. I will repeat - she has NO RIGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. SHE SHOULD BE THE GUILTY ONE FOR BEING SO SELFISH. The next time she starts in on you, become very firm and assertive and tell her that you have dedicated yourself to taking care of her and if she is not satisfied with the care you provide, you will immediately find someone else to do your job and you will go out and enjoy yourself and have the life you deserve. Oh she will be shocked and she will go on but don't let it phase you - she is fighting back so she can control you. Tell her you deserve some private, personal time and she better get used to it quickly before you end your services by getting someone else (who won't be as caring or nice to her or comply with her needs) or she will have to leave your home. Give her a good scare and stand up and be strong with her - stop with the nice stuff. It does not work with people like this.
You can do it and after you do this a couple of times, I think you will be more at peace and she will stay within her boundaries. Good luck.

Your mother most likely is bored and lonely but she is also selfish and is incapable of caring about the feelings and emotions of others around her - so she puts guilt on you and you in turn feel guilty because you did something right for yourself - you took a day for yourself and went and enjoyed yourself. That is not a crime. It is a right that you deserve to have. She is jealous. DO NOT LET HER DO THIS TO YOU - IT WILL DESTROY YOU. She is the problem, not you. You seem to be doing so much for you and she does not appreciate it so stop catering to her and think of yourself first - you deserve it.

This is a mind game that we all play from time to time. You're mother is free to speak her mind, but don't let it take away the happiness you felt taking care of yourself. Do you see how twisted it is to make her statements a judgement about yourself that you were somehow bad to have let her think, then feel, that way while you were gone? It's nice when someone misses us, it's healthy to have bonds. But it's not healthy to try and sentence ourselves to be inside someone else's mind to ensure that they never have any negative thoughts or emotions. This applies in any relationship situation. So, if your mom felt that way, keep it light. Give her a smile, hug, & a kiss and tell her it's nice to hear how much she loves you, and that you love her too - that's it. Then ask her what she wants for breakfast...

Remember, whenever that grimmy, dirty, greasy, tool called guilt beckons you to pick it up, stop; look at it for what it is, and throw it back. Tell it, naw, no thanks, I think I'll use the good tool of love instead.

Helplessness is the greatest form of domination.

I'm in a similar situation. The only place I ever go to is church.y mom doesn't like to be left alone. I'm only gone for two hours and I make sure she gets to the bathroom before I leave. She calls me at church wanting me to come home because she says she has to go to the bathroom. Then she doesn't like it when I go out with friends afterwards. I always come home first to get her to the bathroom before going back out. I understand the guilt. I feel guilty for leaving her alone but I feel guilty for not being in church. Sometimes I go ahead and do what I want and other times I give up and just stay home so I don't have to hear her complain. As others have stated it's important that you get out for some me time or you'll feel like you're going crazy.

I usually get upset if my mom lays a guilt trip on me. Then mom says, “I am not trying to make you feel guilty”. Then I get a bit confused. I don’t think she is trying on purpose and is just telling me that she needed me for something, not an emergency but just wanted me there. Then I say to her that it wasn’t an emergency and I needed time for myself. The conversation usually ends there because I walk away. I am learning to walk away rather than continue trying to debate it. That’s silly because she is going to feel however she does. She and I can both be nonconformists! Haha

No, no, no! Do NOT feel guilty. As someone else said, just come in brightly and a kiss on the cheek if you want , and do not play victim.... maybe even say how you enjoyed yourself, and then get busy with something else to distract yourself, and remember, tomorrow is another day :).

In my situation, Mom is more and more not wanting to go out, and I have a choice of either not going, also, or take some time to myself, enjoy, and come back home a bit more refreshed. If it's at the end of the day, Mom goes to bed. I retire to my bedroom and watch something funny on Netflix, go to sleep, and wake up a bit more refreshed tomorrow.

It is hard sometimes to separate yourself away, but if you do not, you both will be depressed. BUT if you can alienate yourself from that depressing "GUILT", you will be more refreshed and better able to care for your mom the next day, and so on.

Just a quick kiss on the cheek, and a "I love you so much, and I missed you today" and off you go. There is honestly no answer to this. You are not in a rational world. You have, hon, tipped on over into the twilight zone. You know your heart and we know your heart, and without some moments of relief and release you cannot last this out at all. Go in peace. You are a heroine. And while others may not know that, all of us HERE do!

beejaycee: In no way are to you to feel guilt. Good grief; you've been at this amount of caregiving for 4 years?! Wow. Big cheers to you! You do have to remember that elders will revert to childlike behavior from time to time and your mother even realized her error. No one is perfect and you deserved a day out with sisters!

You matter! You’re important! You need that time!

That said, when Mom was like this with me, I realized part of it was because she was accustomed to me being there so much. I had to get her accustomed to more than me being there for her. Please don’t do it once in a while — do it weekly. Perhaps instead of your 2 sisters being there together, have each come separately & on different days every week. That way, if you won the lottery & went on an around-the-world cruise, Mom would be accustomed to others. Nice thought, the cruise, right?

Remember that you are part of the cycle of life and our elderly parents are back to the childhood stage. With this comes the teenager stage or toddler stage. (thinking they know best and temper tantrums, etc.) You love them. They love you. AND you are in the middle of the normal power struggles between people who love each other. DO NOT stop taking time for yourself because of her actions when you get home. She will figure out the buttons to push and craziness will set in after 2 or 3 years. Since she apologized for being pouty, this means she understands her behavior at this time. Tell her a day or two in advance of your plans, let her know the activities/visits/phone calls you have set up. Let her know you know she will be sad being alone. COMMUNICATE with her before you leave for the day. When you come home, let her know how much you missed her and how much you hoped she was OK while you were gone. Tell her all about your day while you were alone. If she gives you the silent treatment, IGNORE IT. She will figure out soon enough that her behavior will get her nowhere with you and she is just making the time you do have together worse and she will change. You can't change her, but you can change how your respond to her. Once again, DO NOT LET HER BEHAVIOR CHANGE THE TIME YOU NEED FOR YOURSELF. If you let this happen, burnout will happen and you have seen it a lot on this site, worse things will happen that is far worse then the "silent treatment at night" and her pouting that you left for the day.".

It's called recharging your battery. What good after you going to be to Mom or yourself if you go until you are useless.
I'd schedule a day like this weekly if possible. Work it out with Mom or just tell her this is what's happening. Explain its personal time for you and her. Running errands, your going rp tour own appointments, shopping,etc.
Could do an entire day or 2 half days. She needs to get used to this because things will only get harder for all. Someday she won't understand and might not ever understand and then you just go.
You have earned your time off my dear. Take it and keep your sanity.
Afterall, Nurses even get days off.

You have to take time out. If you don't you will get burned out and maybe have some bitterness towards your mother and that is nothing you want in the midst. Explain to her that some times you need quality alone time, not because you want to get away from her or that you don't love her but because you do love her you need to re energize yourself so you can give her the Best You.

Forget the guilt. What would she do if something happened to you? It is better to let sisters or paid caregiver come more often so she can get used to being with someone other than you. Just like a child - not good for them to be totally dependent on just one person (or for your world only to include her).

This is interesting because the problem isn’t just social interaction, it also involves, in my humble opinion, the structure which has been developed in your self-conscientiousness regarding your mother. All your life the relationship with your mother has shaped your self-conscientious until your relationship has become “second nature”, i.e. you react and follow through without really being aware of it in your conscious thought processes.
Consequently, a lot of what you feel in this situation is not just a simple guilt feeling, you have dared to go against your basic self-conscientious feelings regarding your mother, and now you are paying for it. No amount of logic will counteract what you feel.
I don’t exactly know how to get around this situation, other than to suggest you treat it as a habit that you must break, i.e. keep going out as much as you can and eventually it won’t bother you as much as it does now.

I have been in your shoes! In my situation family is not nearby and I brought in a caregiver 2 afternoons/week. I'm a pretty sensitive person and mom's comments (similar to your mother's) made me feel guilty and question if it was worth it. Here's how I got past that feeling:
First I remembered my promise to myself at the beginning of all this which is to prioritize my own self-care. You can't pour freon an empty cup.
I also realized that some situations require me to respond purely as her full time caregiver and not as her daughter. That was a big one! Finally, I had to understand that in the end, mom is fine. I redirect the conversation. Sometimes I bring something back for her (a pastry, a decorative pillow, new coloring book, etc) so that she knows I was thinking about her while I was out. Lastly, it's ok to tell a white lie if you think it will help her to feel better about you going out (a DDS appt or helping a friend paint.) Do what you need to do- remind yourself caregiving is a big job! She loves you, ok your turn. 😊

I have had this same exact battle. It’s tough no matter what you do. For me I was falling into such a deep depression and getting so upset that my life was no longer my own. I had to MAKE time for myself or I was going to be no good to help my mom. I made time once or twice a month to go get my nails done. As small as that sounds it gave me something to look forward too. I also sat down with my mom and talked with her and told her that I absolutely have to have some time for myself. I’m literally at her beck and call 24/7 work a full time job have four sons and a boyfriend so my time is extremely precious to me. I have told my mom on several occasions... time is the only thing you can never get back, you can’t return it, and it’s value is priceless. At the end of the day the resentment that will build up in you over not getting your time to your yourself will be much more damaging then dealing with the silent treatment. My mom has done the silent treatment with me and it used to really hurt me. I’ve had to get tough with her and my own self and take contrary action. She knows now if she does that I’ll just let her be silent... by herself. It’s taken about two years for us to adjust and get into a good routine with each other. This is just how I feel and my opinion of things but I pray it will help you. You truly deserve time to yourself without guilt. Whether you want to sit in a room by yourself for a while or go out for the day. This was a VERY hard thing for me to get used to but I’m so happy I did. You will be in my prayers. Stay strong you can do this.

In all of the 12-Step programs, they would call you an "enabler" for allowing your Mother to make you feel guilty.

Yes, sad as it sounds, you are allowing her to make you feel guilty. Stand up to her, you're not a child anymore. It's only difficult the first time, then it gets easier.

Keep telling yourself you can not be a good caregiver if you don't take care of YOU!

You HAVE to get out of the house once in awhile for your own peace of mind and to take care of YOU in order to do a better job of taking care of your loved one! It happened to me as well when my grams lived with us. It’s hard but you need to get past the guilt and realize that getting out once in awhile just as important for your health and wellness as taking care of her is for her!

I found out years ago that if you find ways to make yourself happier you can take better care of someone else. Do nice things for yourself including going out. When Mom says something to guilt you about your not being there --- Do something very nice for her, do her nails, give her a neck massage, get her a cup of her favorite ice cream. Then plan your next outing. Do you !! then you can have peace taking care of her. Trust me this can work Gena

Was it our wise Barb who said here once that guilt is for those who’ve done something wrong? You’ve done the right thing by taking time for yourself, and the answer is to do it more often. It’ll help both you and your mom. Talk to sisters about how to make this happen

You need time to your self. It keeps you somewhat same. I still would continue to go on outings. Right now they are like kids. Don't ever feel guilty doing something for you.

Care giving will likely get more challenging. This means that taking care of yourself is more important than ever. You have become your mother's go-to, and even though she likely loves your sisters, she feels comfort with you. It's natural I think. But if you have decided to be her care giver for the long haul, you must take care of yourself. I don't know whether your family dynamic is ready for this or not, but perhaps asking your sisters for help more often, will also help from a variety of angles. It will help your sisters understand what's necessary for the ongoing care of your mother, and it will possibly help your mother eventually get used to help from others. Do take care of yourself. You're wonderful, and you're worth it.

This issue is spot on for me, so thanks for bringing it up. And THANKS for all the helpful responses.

My mother ia almost the opposite, she plays the mytra. Honry please go get time for time for yourself, then when i return abd ask how was her day, oh i just s lk ept what else could i do. Then the answer to every question ou s whayever is easier for you, Drives me crazy. For days even weeks this goes pn. Do you want coffee it tea, what ever is easier for you.

Hi Bee,

The sentiment I see most often from former caregivers when their caregiving has come to an end is "I wish I took more time for myself." I try to remember that every time I leave the house and leave mom with someone else.

YOU have to take time for you, it is a non-negotiable. Maybe if you switched the perspective a little from "mom was unhappy" to "mom was safe." Sometimes you're not going to get happy from them, but as long as they are safe you are doing your job.

Hang in there and keep trying, it will get easier.

She is being MANIPULATIVE, just like children do. Don't buy into it.
Do it regularly to keep your sanity and avoid burnout. Same time each week will develop a routine for you. She'll get used to it.

If you don't take time for yourself and become totally "worn out" from you daily care of her, who will be there for her.

You NEED rest days to continue.