She was in her 40s, we are in our late 50s and early 60s. Retired 5 years ago, she feels we have plenty of time. She panics when you mention a nursing home because her mother passed after 3 months in one but had a stroke and didn’t speak English. Her apartment is starting to look like a hospital ward. We are getting tired and burned out but she is very good at the guilt trips. If she was healthy, no issue but has advancing dementia and can only walking short distances. She is also incontinent and her legs are getting weaker and weaker. My sister is her live in caregiver but she is starting to have health issues herself

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Rac, I don't know what your Mom's financial status is, but there are many assisted living facilities in your area. IMHO most assisted living facilities are more attractive than the SNFs (at least near me). Considering the dementia ... can you sign Mom up for respite care for a month at the place you think is best and see if it works out. Tell Mom that sis has to be somewhere (make it up).
Alternatively, has your family considered a live in aide? Part time aide? Cleaning help? And any other assistance that will make this all easier on all of you.
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Reply to geewiz

Modern nursing homes are nothing like the places your mom remembers and fears. You may enjoy this little story told to me by my cousin - "I'll never forget the time I was visiting Aunt ____ and asked her how she liked where she was living. She said it wasn't the same as home but it was really pretty nice and she was so grateful her family hadn't put her in ______." Of course she WAS living in ______ and didn't know it." 😉
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Reply to cwillie

I thought about this a lot because I was 67 when my mom passed away at 97. Her mom passed when mom was 52. She had caregiving duties for her mom for a very short time compared to the 15+ years I did caregiving for my mom and 9 years for my dad.

I think you need to let your mom know you're senior citizens yourself. But if she has increasing dementia, she won't get it and won't want to get it. You have to do what is right for you all.

Get her where she can have professional care that doesn't take you "kids" down with her. She won't like it, but we don't always get what we want. I'm sure you heard that phrase from her as a child. We get what we need and what is best for us. Getting care that doesn't deplete her children is what is the right thing to do. Just be sure to select a place that has memory care. She might turn out to love it since she'll be around others her age.
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Reply to blannie

There r people with your experience. They will eventually respond.
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Reply to JoAnn29