If you’re living 3000 miles away you’re not caring for your mother……..your sibling is.
Please don’t suggest to them how or what to do if they are the one doing everything. Just be there for support when they need someone to listen or vent to.
Caring for your Mom emotionally & caring for them physically are 2 completely different levels of caring. If you haven’t done the physical part of caring before you have no idea of how hard it can be.
"living 3,000 miles away and trying to help siblings cope with mother"
So your not doing the hands on caring because you live so far away? Hard to help siblings cope when your not actually there day in and day out. What are the differences? Really, if I was the caregiver I may not appreciate a sibling trying to tell me how I should be handling things from 3k away. That even goes if its you who are doing the caring and the siblings are 3k away.
I was lucky that my brothers chose to let me do things my way. I was the one here. The one that had her 24/7. You don't know how much is involved with caring for someone until you are doing it 7 days a week. And my Mom was easy to care for in comparison to what some members on this site go thru.
Hi, and welcome to the forum. You will get good advice and support from the people who belong to this group.
I read your profile and it says you are "caring" for your mother. You care for her, but are not caring for her at 3,000 miles away. There are always sibling differences and often downright fighting about how the care decisions for elderly parents should be made and who should be making them. The only way siblings can work together on this is if they make a special effort to see it from the perspective of the sibling who is actually providing the hand-on, every day, day-in and day-out caregiving to the parents. I say sibling in the singular because more often than not even when there are multiple siblings and they are even local, the actual work is usually done single-handedly by one. When the family can see the caregiving situation through that person's eyes, they can gain real perspective about what it's really like. Not only do the other siblings need to be a good listener, they also need to be a good detective. Many of us who are the only one doing the caregiving for mom or dad don't even know how to answer when our siblings ask what we want or need because we don't even know where to start. So it's up to the siblings who aren't doing it to figure it out. Do mom and dad have dementia? Are they invalid? Are they incontinent? What's the home like? Is it a filthy hoard like so many elderly people's houses? Does the sibling have to live there because the level of care the parents need requires 24 hours a day? Are mom or dad ornery, stubborn, and is there refusal to accept outside help? How was the relationship with the sibling caregiver and the parents growing up? Was it abusive in some way? These are all things the brothers and sisters not providing the actual caregiving should know. They should also be in agreement that mom or dad's "wishes" to remain at home or to refuse outside hired help cannot come at the expense of one of their siblings lives. When there is a thorough understanding of all this among siblings then everyone can work together, but not when there isn't. It's pretty rare to find this in families. Most of the time the siblings not doing the hands-on care are concerned with either preserving and inheritance or maintaining the status quo as it is so they won't have to take on any of the caregiving responsibility for a parent. When such is the case, no one will be working together. Stay in very close contact with the sibling actually taking care of your parents. Don't be condescending to them. Don't criticize them or give them the generic responses that start with, 'You should______. You need to______. Why don't you_______.' because that does not help anyone in a caregiving situation.
The most extreme I have seen is one sibling wanted Mother to live & *be normal again* (95yrs #hip, late stage dementia) & another wanted her demise & arranged a psychic to predict her final day on earth.
What specific questions do you wish to address? Also, is this a situation where your mom is telling you one thing and you are hearing something different from your siblings? So, you are caught in the middle. That’s never a good situation.
The one with the power of attorney gets final say.
If there is no power of attorney, then the one doing the caregiving gets the final say.
Your questions makes a strong reason for everybody to see a lawyer and draw up power of attorney for financial, power of attorney for medical, and a will.
Are you asking about siblings who have different opinions about what kind of care is needed or sibling situations where one sibling is left with all the care taking while others carry on witj their own lives and offer no care taking help at all?
I think you asked before and went into a lengthy story about how you and your brother who lives far away had different strengths but the youngest sister is doing all the care giving. The youngest sister no longer responds to you and you feel hurt and want to oust this youngest sister because you felt your method of care for Mom was better.....if you are not the person posting it, then just ignore this response.
There is really one solution....move to where your Mom is and start taking over the care yourself. If you cannot do that, then get your Mom moved to where you live. If you cannot do that, then go for counselling to find out why you need to butt into your youngest sister's method of care giving. Get rid of the hurt and the need to be the controlling older sister. Accept that the family structure has changed too. Life goes on.
judi52: My caregiving issue had to remain static, in a negative way, when I had to move out of state to move in with and provide care for my mother when my sole sibling stated "I will not do the caregiving." Well, okay then. No thanks to that.
Please don’t suggest to them how or what to do if they are the one doing everything. Just be there for support when they need someone to listen or vent to.
Caring for your Mom emotionally & caring for them physically are 2 completely different levels of caring. If you haven’t done the physical part of caring before you have no idea of how hard it can be.
So your not doing the hands on caring because you live so far away? Hard to help siblings cope when your not actually there day in and day out. What are the differences? Really, if I was the caregiver I may not appreciate a sibling trying to tell me how I should be handling things from 3k away. That even goes if its you who are doing the caring and the siblings are 3k away.
I was lucky that my brothers chose to let me do things my way. I was the one here. The one that had her 24/7. You don't know how much is involved with caring for someone until you are doing it 7 days a week. And my Mom was easy to care for in comparison to what some members on this site go thru.
Hi, and welcome to the forum. You will get good advice and support from the people who belong to this group.
I read your profile and it says you are "caring" for your mother. You care for her, but are not caring for her at 3,000 miles away.
There are always sibling differences and often downright fighting about how the care decisions for elderly parents should be made and who should be making them.
The only way siblings can work together on this is if they make a special effort to see it from the perspective of the sibling who is actually providing the hand-on, every day, day-in and day-out caregiving to the parents. I say sibling in the singular because more often than not even when there are multiple siblings and they are even local, the actual work is usually done single-handedly by one.
When the family can see the caregiving situation through that person's eyes, they can gain real perspective about what it's really like. Not only do the other siblings need to be a good listener, they also need to be a good detective. Many of us who are the only one doing the caregiving for mom or dad don't even know how to answer when our siblings ask what we want or need because we don't even know where to start. So it's up to the siblings who aren't doing it to figure it out.
Do mom and dad have dementia? Are they invalid? Are they incontinent? What's the home like? Is it a filthy hoard like so many elderly people's houses? Does the sibling have to live there because the level of care the parents need requires 24 hours a day? Are mom or dad ornery, stubborn, and is there refusal to accept outside help? How was the relationship with the sibling caregiver and the parents growing up? Was it abusive in some way? These are all things the brothers and sisters not providing the actual caregiving should know. They should also be in agreement that mom or dad's "wishes" to remain at home or to refuse outside hired help cannot come at the expense of one of their siblings lives.
When there is a thorough understanding of all this among siblings then everyone can work together, but not when there isn't. It's pretty rare to find this in families. Most of the time the siblings not doing the hands-on care are concerned with either preserving and inheritance or maintaining the status quo as it is so they won't have to take on any of the caregiving responsibility for a parent. When such is the case, no one will be working together.
Stay in very close contact with the sibling actually taking care of your parents. Don't be condescending to them. Don't criticize them or give them the generic responses that start with, 'You should______. You need to______. Why don't you_______.' because that does not help anyone in a caregiving situation.
Hopefully your family is not them.
If there is no power of attorney, then the one doing the caregiving gets the final say.
Your questions makes a strong reason for everybody to see a lawyer and draw up power of attorney for financial, power of attorney for medical, and a will.
The driver steers. No backseat drivers.
There is really one solution....move to where your Mom is and start taking over the care yourself. If you cannot do that, then get your Mom moved to where you live. If you cannot do that, then go for counselling to find out why you need to butt into your youngest sister's method of care giving. Get rid of the hurt and the need to be the controlling older sister. Accept that the family structure has changed too. Life goes on.
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