How do you handle sibling differences on care?

Good morning Judi52, and welcome. Are you looking for discussions on the theme you mention in your headline, or did you want to ask your own question?

The most extreme I have seen is one sibling wanted Mother to live & *be normal again* (95yrs #hip, late stage dementia) & another wanted her demise & arranged a psychic to predict her final day on earth.

Hopefully your family is not them.

You do not go into detail about what the differences are.
But often it is any one or all of the following:
One sibling believes that "it is not that bad" and so and so will get better.
Another wants to "preserve their inheritance" so they don't want excess money spent.
Another wants to "do it all" because no one can do it as well as I can. And this one generally will not ask for help or accept help but may complain about all they do.

Any and all of these is a great reason to make sure the wishes of your loved one are carried out when it comes to their care. If they ever expressed they did not want to be "hooked up to machines" then don't. Get a POLST (may be called differently in some states)
The exception to this "follow their wish" rule would be if they ever said "Don't put me in a nursing home" If it is a matter of safety yours, your siblings or the person being cared for you have to do what is best and place them in a facility that meets their need Memory Care or Skilled Nursing.
And if one parent made you "promise" not to put mom, dad, grandma or anyone else in a facility that "promise" died with the person asking.

"living 3,000 miles away and trying to help siblings cope with mother"

So your not doing the hands on caring because you live so far away? Hard to help siblings cope when your not actually there day in and day out. What are the differences? Really, if I was the caregiver I may not appreciate a sibling trying to tell me how I should be handling things from 3k away. That even goes if its you who are doing the caring and the siblings are 3k away.

I was lucky that my brothers chose to let me do things my way. I was the one here. The one that had her 24/7. You don't know how much is involved with caring for someone until you are doing it 7 days a week. And my Mom was easy to care for in comparison to what some members on this site go thru.

judi52,

Hi, and welcome to the forum. You will get good advice and support from the people who belong to this group.

I read your profile and it says you are "caring" for your mother. You care for her, but are not caring for her at 3,000 miles away.
There are always sibling differences and often downright fighting about how the care decisions for elderly parents should be made and who should be making them.
The only way siblings can work together on this is if they make a special effort to see it from the perspective of the sibling who is actually providing the hand-on, every day, day-in and day-out caregiving to the parents. I say sibling in the singular because more often than not even when there are multiple siblings and they are even local, the actual work is usually done single-handedly by one.
When the family can see the caregiving situation through that person's eyes, they can gain real perspective about what it's really like. Not only do the other siblings need to be a good listener, they also need to be a good detective. Many of us who are the only one doing the caregiving for mom or dad don't even know how to answer when our siblings ask what we want or need because we don't even know where to start. So it's up to the siblings who aren't doing it to figure it out.
Do mom and dad have dementia? Are they invalid? Are they incontinent? What's the home like? Is it a filthy hoard like so many elderly people's houses? Does the sibling have to live there because the level of care the parents need requires 24 hours a day? Are mom or dad ornery, stubborn, and is there refusal to accept outside help? How was the relationship with the sibling caregiver and the parents growing up? Was it abusive in some way? These are all things the brothers and sisters not providing the actual caregiving should know. They should also be in agreement that mom or dad's "wishes" to remain at home or to refuse outside hired help cannot come at the expense of one of their siblings lives.
When there is a thorough understanding of all this among siblings then everyone can work together, but not when there isn't. It's pretty rare to find this in families. Most of the time the siblings not doing the hands-on care are concerned with either preserving and inheritance or maintaining the status quo as it is so they won't have to take on any of the caregiving responsibility for a parent. When such is the case, no one will be working together.
Stay in very close contact with the sibling actually taking care of your parents. Don't be condescending to them. Don't criticize them or give them the generic responses that start with, 'You should______. You need to______. Why don't you_______.' because that does not help anyone in a caregiving situation.

If you’re living 3000 miles away you’re not caring for your mother……..your sibling is.

Please don’t suggest to them how or what to do if they are the one doing everything. Just be there for support when they need someone to listen or vent to.

Caring for your Mom emotionally & caring for them physically are 2 completely different levels of caring. If you haven’t done the physical part of caring before you have no idea of how hard it can be.

What specific questions do you wish to address? Also, is this a situation where your mom is telling you one thing and you are hearing something different from your siblings? So, you are caught in the middle. That’s never a good situation.

Responsibilty and care are never divided equally among siblings (or spouses). Have honest discussions on what you each are capable of doing, taking your other responsibilities and locations into account. Somebody should be designated with Power of Attorney to be the main person responsible for medical and financial decisions. If needed, get an attorney to help with the legal papers, POA, living will, a will if there are assets, etc. Your basic choices are in-home care or living in an assisted living facility (your parents financial situation will be a factor in what they have available for them). In home care can be done by family or paid caregivers.

My sisters and I have regular once-weekly phone calls. We talk about all sorts of things. During these calls I kept them up-to-date on all the details of my mother's condition and how I was handling issues. They had questions and suggestions. We discussed them, I would sometimes follow-up on a question or suggestion. With lots and lots of communication, we never had a major disagreement.

After having my mother live with me for 3 months, I’ve come to the conclusion only one sibling should be handling all the care and finances. During her stay my sister would whisper in my mother’s ear about her medical and financial decisions. This basically sabotaged everything I worked on for 3 months.

We wanted her to start her estate planning where she would be qualified for Medicaid and get in home care. The thought of spending down my mother’s money while she was in my care made my sister paranoid. At the end my mother was screaming at my husband and I that we were taking her money. My sister took her back to her house and now she lives there alone with a walker, adult diapers and not able to shop for groceries. I’m sure she convinced my mother to sign everything into her name prior to her leaving. She lives 6 hours away.

My advice is to figure out who that sole person would be caring to her 24/7.

The one with the power of attorney gets final say.

If there is no power of attorney, then the one doing the caregiving gets the final say.

Your questions makes a strong reason for everybody to see a lawyer and draw up power of attorney for financial, power of attorney for medical, and a will.

Are you asking about siblings who have different opinions about what kind of care is needed or sibling situations where one sibling is left with all the care taking while others carry on witj their own lives and offer no care taking help at all?

Your question can be better answered if you give us more detail on your situation. I had the POA and that didn't make things easier because ideally, I wanted to keep the peace - especially while Mom was alive. Pulling rank of POA just causes more ill feelings. You have to pick your battles.
Usually the one that does the most caregiving (me) does what he/she wants. Having the responsibility of care makes it frustrating when you have siblings with different opinions, especially opinions from those who aren't participating in the care at all. The one doing all the work needs support from everyone. I handled it by communicating with newsy emails, and backing off on the general day to day stuff. When there are big issues, like hospital procedures, changes in placement (home or facility) it's always best for everyone to feel heard. That's when a majority rule should come into play. That said, POA and Health Care Proxy should be in place to make sure Mom's wishes are the end goal.

Moms been living with me 22 years. I have one sister, one brother. They haven’t been involved. I’ve asked for help multiple times over the yrs. There response is, well you took her on! I tried to keep the peace however they are selfish and unreasonable. They assume being Moms children automatically gives them rights. Recently Mom was intubated for RSV. She spent 10 days in the hospital. I did tell them out of courtesy as I was told she’d die. She fully recovered. They tried to get bossy. I slammed my power of attorney in their face. This was due to the fact they were dealing with active COVID at the time. You’d think they’d have recognized an icu visit would not be wise! I love them however after 22 years I’ll be doing the decision making period!

Really need more info..
Depends, if your the Sibling doing the Care or your the Sibling that only sits back and gives their opinions or if a Care Facility is taking care of your loved one and several Siblings are all voicing their different opinions.

If one Sibling is the Caregiver, then she can listen to others voice their opinions but in the end, what she decides to do is what is done.

Now if there's a Caregiver doing the care, then you and your siblings need to talk with each other along with your loved one and compromise a plan that best suits lived one and let Caregiver know your decision to the care of your loved one.

Now, if loved one is able to make their own decisions then they should.

If loved one can't then whomever was appointed POA gets to make the decision.

What differences? More information is needed.

I think you asked before and went into a lengthy story about how you and your brother who lives far away had different strengths but the youngest sister is doing all the care giving. The youngest sister no longer responds to you and you feel hurt and want to oust this youngest sister because you felt your method of care for Mom was better.....if you are not the person posting it, then just ignore this response.

There is really one solution....move to where your Mom is and start taking over the care yourself. If you cannot do that, then get your Mom moved to where you live. If you cannot do that, then go for counselling to find out why you need to butt into your youngest sister's method of care giving. Get rid of the hurt and the need to be the controlling older sister. Accept that the family structure has changed too. Life goes on.

I would hope the individual gets to choose for themself as long as they have capacity. If the capacity is gone and wishes were never expressed, hopefully, the individual’s wishes could be somewhat determined/reconstructed.

When capacity is diminished to the point that there is no decision making ability, the individual with designated healthcare POA has ultimate legal decision making power. Hopefully the healthcare POA designee would follow through with the individual’s wishes.

As long as the siblings care about following their parent’s wishes, there should be no disagreement.

My mother recently died, but for the last 8 years 2 of my sisters provided most of the care and I helped out as much as I could. The quick and easy answer to your question is "bite your tongue and do your part." Each of us have different opinions and time available. The only way to share in care-taking is to do whatever you can without arguing or picking at your sib's efforts or input. In the case where you are not the primary care-giver bite your tongue even more. Let those who are doing the bulk of the work make their decisions. Offer HELP in whatever way you can, but try not to give advice. Those who are spending more time with the elder know more about the situation than you do. Also make a pact with your sib that you will not believe things your parent says without asking them about it. Old minds in decaying bodies can come up with some whopping misunderstandings.

I was in your position for a number of years before I moved closer to Mom. It turned out that the most I could do for her care was to call her regularly to visit with her and send money. After I moved closer I was able to take 1 day a week--and sometimes 2--when I would take my Mom for a drive, take her to lunch, pick up prescriptions, take her to the art store, etc. My sisters remained her primary care givers and they took care of all the more drudgery stuff, like doctor appointments, grocery shopping, etc. I knew they were doing more work and more difficult work and backed their decisions even when I privately disagreed with them. Lots of tongue-biting, but we made it to Mom's eventual death at 96 without killing each other. It was actually the best years of being sisters, as we were much more tolerant of each other and reliant on each other than we had ever been when we were younger.

Remember, the odds are that you and your sib will still be here when the one you are caring for/about is gone. Try to remain friends.

If one is primary caregiver - that one makes day-to-day care decisions and the others are 'support team'. The primary caregiver usually figures out the routine - how to do things - where things have to be in the house, etc. The others just need to observe and follow the routine.

If all equally involved in day to day caregiving, then group meetings to discuss issues where everyone gets to speak their mind.

Hospital decisions, medical procedure decisions, and other such decisions should be discussed with all.

More specific on the differences you are involved in might get you more specific answers to the problems

judi52: My caregiving issue had to remain static, in a negative way, when I had to move out of state to move in with and provide care for my mother when my sole sibling stated "I will not do the caregiving." Well, okay then. No thanks to that.