My father has advancing Liver cancer with bone mets. He is currently in the hospital and was admitted for a biopsy and a paracentesis for ascites. The hospital allows visitors for 12 hours a day. My sisters feel that he "needs" one of us there during the entire 12 hours of visiting hours while he is IN THE HOSPITAL because (I am using exact phrasing from my sister) "The nurses do not stay in the room with him. " I am at my wits end, I told her that I understand the nurses do not stay in the room but he has a BUTTON to summon anyone whenever he needs anything. I am in the middle of a move- I live over an hour away and I just finalized my divorce days ago and I have to be out of the marital home by a deadline and yet they seem to be oblivious to this and expect me to drop everything to go sit with him at the hospital and do shifts instead of just going for a visit. I went the other day to do a "shift" (yes they call them shifts - of 6 hours ) my dad slept the entire time and I literally sat there and watched him sleep. My father eats it up- he said that the hospital is "Missing the boat not allowing visitors to stay OVERNIGHT!!" I feel guilty. Trapped by feeling resentment that my family has no understanding of what is going on in my life right now and even said that I could just let things go and go spend time with my dad. Now the doctors wanted to send him home 2 days ago- my dad said he is not ready . He refused a nursing home for rehab., He has a fracture of his ankle as well and really cannot manage at home, He will be discharging to my sister's home and I worry that he will fall there and that they will not be able to manage him. Both of my sisters live in the same town as my dad. They have always treated him as a child who needs to be taken care of and when my mother was in the hospital (10 years of dealing with a brain tumor) we were always at the hospital expected to sit WITH MY DAD at the hospital because he wanted to stay there with my mom. So we were expected to also go keep him company when he did. As well as go stay at their house to help with my mom. I did this over the 10 year period . And I am a nurse! So I was the one to go set up all of the meds - do the discharge planning etc. Then my sisters would say that I think I am above them because I am "medical" !! I can't win here . I am not working right now (was laid off as I worked as a medical rep and we are not allowed in the hospitals) and I will also be having to search for a job on top of my move and divorce.. I feel so overwhelmed. I love my dad. But I honestly think my family is severely dysfunctional and that my father has learned helplessness because he gets tons of attention- and my sisters have a weird need to be the "good ones" . My one sister posts all about my dad on Facebook. That is how my daughter found out her grandfather was even in the hospital- on Facebook. And she posted this before I even knew... I have a brother who lives 4 hours away - he comes in stays with my dad at the house and does fix it things and keeps him company as well but he comes in when he can and has a wife who can take care of his house and pets while he is at dad's. I am sure they all feel that I am awful. I am on my own. I have no one to take care of things for me while I go sit with my dad and yet they make me feel like I am not doing my part. When I call my dad he doesn't even answer his phone - THEY do for him. And he never calls me back- or answers any texts to check in on him. This is not only now but whenever I have called or texted. I literally feel like I chase him to see how he is . My youngest sister calls him "her dad" when she talks to me. I feel like it is the Twilight Zone. Am I crazy here or is this beyond normal? All I see online regarding siblings and caregiving is "What to do when a sibling will not help with care" as if when you do not this makes you a horrible person.

An apology, what I saw was how they have babied Dad over the years. I had a Dad like this but Mom did it. I swore I, as the oldest and the daughter, that I would not do this if Mom went first. Missed the part about him dying.

Your family needs to understand that you are overwhelmed right now. That the six hours you spent sitting and watching Dad sleep u could be doing something that needed to be done. That your time is not ur own. You are on a timeline. You need a job. If they could be patent you will try to be there as much as u can.

I have a feeling that since you live farther away, that ur not that close to Dad. Your just trying to plascat everyone.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Sorry, your sisters aren't bad people. Your dad is dying, and they want to be with him.

My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer, and I stayed with him and my mother from the time of that diagnosis until he died. I took him to the hospital for his paracentesis procedures, I talked him with late into the night, I answered his questions about what happens when someone dies (I was with my grandfather when he died), and was there to provide him comfort at a very scary and sad time for all of us.

That was my choice, as what your sisters are doing is their choice, and what you're doing is your choice.

You're reading so much into this that isn't there -- they have a need to be the "good" ones, he's "eating up" the attention -- that you aren't seeing what's really going on, and that's the reality that your father is dying. He's scared and afraid tobe alone. They're scared and afraid to leave him alone.

That's it -- you do what you can do. You have a lot on your plate now, but don't pile more on that isn't there.
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Reply to MJ1929

I loved Alvadeers reply. Please take her advice. My brother had cancer and we were there for him every step until he passed after 8 months. I was extremely busy with my elderly mom, but we made time for him, he was scared, sure he loved that we were with him during his chemo and hospital stay every other week. I know I would want strong family support. I am impressed with your sisters care and love for your dad. Everyone is different and have their priorities. It is obvious your dad is your sisters priority. I would try to make some time for your dad, he is very sick and may not have much time left. I put my life on hold so to speak for my dear brother and had no regrets, we were there for him during the time he needed us most. One of my brothers did not spend hardly any time with him during his adult life, but they were close growing up. When we told him the news, he was devastated and cried and felt regret. It was so sad, he had regrets for not taking the time out of his life for him and tried to make it up during the last 8 months of his life. I am glad he had a second chance to show him he really cared. No one can force you to spend some quality time with your father, only you can decide. My mother recently was in the hospital twice within a 2 weeks period, very sick, I stayed at her bedside 24/7 and she had comfort knowing I was there. My thoughts and prayers are with your father and all of you during this difficult time.
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Reply to earlybird

There would be no way I would stay 6 hours in a hospital for anyone unless my husband. My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. She may go in late morning but only stayed till dinner. I visited very shortly. Never stayed all day with my Mom.

But they did this with my MIL. We lived 2 days away the other son a day and half. We were expected to be up and out the door by 8 at the rehab at by 9. Then we would sit while she had therapy. We did go out to lunch and back till 5pm.

You have enough on your plate. They r the onescwho spoiled him, let them deal with it. As my daughter would say "they made that monster". Do what you need to do to get what u need to do. If he ends up at sisters, she will find what its like to now gave him living with her.
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Reply to JoAnn29

You say that you cannot win. No. You can't win.
Your father is losing his life.
Your sisters are trying to be there for him and he is loving that.
Your own life has problems which prevent your being there as much as they are.
Your father is apparently coming home to your sisters and will be in their care. If you cannot help then tell them so. And what you CAN do, do with a loving attitude and an open heart.
Your father has advanced liver cancer with bone mets and abdominal ascites. This whole problem will not be with you for a long; this gentleman is actively dying. I am hopeful that the Sisters have the help of hospice to support them in their care of your Dad. I am happy they love and support him and that he is enjoying being babied.
You cannot control others. You can decide what you are able to do, and you can do it with love in your heart. You need not agree with your sisters' loving care of your Dad, but it is not your place to judge it, any more than you would want us to judge you.
Wishing you good luck in this very tough time for your entire family, and wishing your father a peaceful journey.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

Oh my goodness, just say "NO", I am not available.

Your family appears to have boundary issues. You know professionally as well as personally that Dad does not need to have a family member with him 12/7 while he is in the hospital.

You have enough on your plate, without wasting 6 hours watch Dad sleep.

When you set boundaries you are going to get push back from your family. They will not like you standing your ground and may get nasty. Keep in mind that is all on them, it is not a reflection on you, your love for Dad etc.

The only time I have ever spent hours with a family member who was in the hospital was when my DD was admitted for 3 days. I slept in a cot beside her bed. But she was a child and we could have lost her.

As far as the comment "What to do when a sibling will not help with care" as if when you do not this makes you a horrible person." Your Dad is in the hospital, the staff are there to provide care. But I also am one of those who will not provide hands on care to either of my parents. Why? I have boundaries I also have a tough skin and do not care what anyone else thinks.
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Reply to Tothill

You’re not a horrible person. Ignore their remarks and his. If he wants to be a child and they want to treat him as one let them do it. Go for a visit when you are able to do so.
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Reply to Bridger46164

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