My brother owns our childhood house through an LLC. Our parents totally paid for the house so he has no debts on the house but the challenge of maintaining the house and property is a huge responsibility. He cares full time for our mother living there. He takes her to medical appointments as well as other places, handles her medicine, what she eats or can't eat. He does have a granddaughter who lives upstairs help our mother with bathing once a week. He controls all her money, basically $2000US/month but still demands money for her care. He isn't willing to be accountable for the costs of her care so I really don't know how much he spends on her needs. She does have short term dementia but recognizes me and others and can carry on conversations. She is still mobile using a walker and able to take care of basic daily needs. Oh yes, she is 101 years old. My brother is retired on SS himself but apparently needs to supplement his own needs. He isn't able to work much because of caring for our mother but also has his own health issues. He has not been good with money and in years past received money from our parents when in need. Unfortunately for him our mother divided the rest of her savings up equally between her four living children. Apparently he needed money was the problem but I think he may have been surprised she shared the money equal between siblings. He isn't willing to talk about our mother's caregiving. He won't let me or others have input regarding her needs. He took away her Alexa machine in her room so I have no direct way to connect with her since I live a distance from there. Our mother would like the Alexa in her room. She basically has given complete control over decisions to my brother who doesn't include her desires or the wishes from the other family.
You cannot know what his life looks like, or how much work he must do for mother and the grounds, until you see it for yourself and live it 24/7.
I'm not sure why he should be given anything by his siblings. The mum should provide for her care and it seems that she has done and continues to do.
To me it is way too late to worry about all this.
Who is POA? Do any of you understand there needs to be a care contract, that otherwise this "taking" of mom's money looks like she's "gifting" and she can never get Medicaid for help with LTC if/when needed?
Does anyone know that ANYONE accessing the money of an elder for GOOD reason or BAD needs meticulous records of what they are taking, using and every penny into and out of that elder's accounts OR IT IS ELDER ABUSE?
As I said, a lot of water is under the bridge already. Flood stage I would say with the manipulation of the home. Brother has been caregiver. Clearly he has taken it as his due that any funds left over are his, and as caregiver, imho he is more "morally" right than wrong there.
As to you, be certain none of YOUR money is involved. If mom is 101 you are yourself not a spring chicken and you will need a lifetime of savings, good working history, good luck and coupon clipping to save for your own old age.
None of us can know what's happening in your story here. Sounds quite complicated. And if you have questions that need legal answers I would consult an Elder Law Attorney.
Abiding my time to see what happens.
He owns the house through an LLC, he is the PoA. He's dysfunctionally trying to manipulate everyone into giving him more money by using your Mom as bait/hostage.
You must come to grips with the fact that the only power you and siblings have in this situation is to take it to an elder law attorney on the *possible* grounds of financial abuse, and maybe even emotional abuse, of your Mom.
And no, do not give him a penny. Don't talk to him unless he contacts you and siblings first. Tell him you're taking it to an attorney to sort out. Then let him stew on that information.
Your brother should be compensated for caregiving BUT mom should be the one paying him.
Her assets should be the ONLY funds that are to be used for her care. You should not be supplementing.
He should be paying for all the household expenses since the house is his. And technically mom should be paying him her share of all expenses. (If there are 3 people living there Mom, Brother and Granddaughter then mom should be charged 1/3 of all expenses) And Granddaughter should be paying rent but she should also be getting paid for the care giving that she is doing a few days a week.
Confused yet?
He needs to keep record of what money is being spent on mom.
Whoever is POA needs to step up and straighten this out.
OH, I guess to simply answer your question...NO you do not meet your brothers demands for money.
Abiding my time to see how all this turns out.
The house was a prior agreement between our parents and 3 of my brothers to form the LLC. My brother bought out one brother's share and basically my other brother gave him his share to our brother. He just wanted out of the messy situation and have no legal responsibility.
Abiding my time to see what will happen.
Mom gave brother the lead.
You can't change this now I think..
It is very sad indeed when the main caregiver restricts access. It can be protective or controlling.
I would advise trying to avoid getting into an even worse tug of war over Mom.
Re Care: ASK brother his reasons against Alexa. (Maybe it was confusing Mom? Or there were other issues)
The reasonable test: It is his house - it is reasonable he decides what appliances to have & maintain.
DISCUSS how best to keep regular contact for you & Mom. Can he help with phone or video calls?
The reasonable test: It is reasonable to allow you contact with Mom. It is reasonable to that those she live with provide & assist with this.
Re money: Keep your finaces with brother separate. Brother has a financial arrangement (inc house) with Mom. I would refer him back to that, everytime. If he is short of funds, this is his issue.
The crux if it is HE has chosen this arrangement. He can also change it. But he cannot choose for YOU.
I'm letting go and abiding my time to see what will happen.
First of all, my brother owns the house by a LLC which my parents set up before our father died. It is a family heritage with a long history. My brother bought the other shares from our two other brothers. I was excluded from the LLC as my parents by their request built a grandparents addition on our previous house. In the LLC our mother is allowed to stay in the house as long as she is alive provided she shares in the expenses. She does.
Secondly, my brother has POA medical and I believe financial. He is the co-owner of her bank account with a third person signed on but no longer involved with our mother's care. He had two doctors sign our mother off of decision making due to her short term dementia. He is responsible for her medical care: appointments and medications which he does.
Thirdly, he will not let me be involved in caring for our mother. He refuses outside help unless forced to do this. He won't allow me to take over her care for any time at all even when I visit our mother. He does leave her alone many times during the day. Besides this he threatened me not to take anything out of our mother's living area. He thinks he owns what she has. Also I've had a well care check by the local police as well as contacted APS but there isn't much they can do. Of course, he was extremely mad at me that I tried to deal with our mother's injustice in this way.
Fourthly, he will not give me or our other two brothers an account of our mother's expenses. I have no way to know if he needs more money for her care. I have been willing to help in the past with money but not now since he demands but doesn't do his part I have stopped giving him money.
Lastly, yes our mother has funeral plans taken care of mostly. When I went to the funeral home her prepaid funeral plan doesn't cover the increase in the cost of the services; therefore, as of now the family owes the funeral home around $4000US but can go up again later this year. I wonder who will be expected to pay this?
I also went to her home church and was able to fill out the funeral service plans like she wants since my brother neglected to do this.
Barring a miracle of our brother's change of heart things will remain the same. I'm learning to accept things as they are and let go of my own expectations.
My mother always prayed for her family, we respect her religious beliefs. Love how you respect your mother!
You do not owe your brother anything. Like many other of Our Forum has answered, do Not give away any of your money to your brother to care for your mother. Why did she divide her savings to her four children? She needs that money for her care. What if mother runs out of money if or when she gets forced into a facility for her care beyond your brother' level? That your mother that gave away money as gifts may be a problem to get Medicaid. You need to contact an elder care attorney. If money is a problem, contact your mother's Area of Aging Council.
You don't pay him a cent. As for the Alexa that was in her room that she used to contact you with, ask your niece who lives upstairs why her father took her Alexa away and could the two of you make a deal (without her father's knowledge) that she help her grandmother call you once or twice a week. Then offer her a few bucks on the DL if she does it.
Your family's situation is very common. If there's a son, he's usually the Golden Child who the elderly mother worships and has him making all the decisions. Normally when there's a daughter all the caregiving work gets dumped on her and she gets nothing. Your family situation differs in that you (the daughter) don't get the caregiving dumped on you while the son (your brother) reaps the financial benefits. Talk to your niece about helping you to communicate with your mother because it's unlikely you'll get anywhere with your brother.
Is there any helps you can find since your family is not there for you? Aging & Disability or other agencies help with elderly care. I'm assuming your mother doesn't contribute financially to the situation? As many have said you can't do it alone! Take care of yourself.