My brother owns our childhood house through an LLC. Our parents totally paid for the house so he has no debts on the house but the challenge of maintaining the house and property is a huge responsibility. He cares full time for our mother living there. He takes her to medical appointments as well as other places, handles her medicine, what she eats or can't eat. He does have a granddaughter who lives upstairs help our mother with bathing once a week. He controls all her money, basically $2000US/month but still demands money for her care. He isn't willing to be accountable for the costs of her care so I really don't know how much he spends on her needs. She does have short term dementia but recognizes me and others and can carry on conversations. She is still mobile using a walker and able to take care of basic daily needs. Oh yes, she is 101 years old. My brother is retired on SS himself but apparently needs to supplement his own needs. He isn't able to work much because of caring for our mother but also has his own health issues. He has not been good with money and in years past received money from our parents when in need. Unfortunately for him our mother divided the rest of her savings up equally between her four living children. Apparently he needed money was the problem but I think he may have been surprised she shared the money equal between siblings. He isn't willing to talk about our mother's caregiving. He won't let me or others have input regarding her needs. He took away her Alexa machine in her room so I have no direct way to connect with her since I live a distance from there. Our mother would like the Alexa in her room. She basically has given complete control over decisions to my brother who doesn't include her desires or the wishes from the other family.
Your brother may be justified in getting some of that money back to pay for her care, including compensating him as a caregiver.
But, he should be able to provide an accounting of exactly what the expenses are and where the money is going. If he has a history of not managing money well, then there will be no end to his requests for more. People who don't manage money well think it can be solved by getting more from someone else.
If your mother dispersed all of her savings more than 5 years ago, she may qualify for Medicaid assistance. If her income is insufficient to pay for her care needs, then Medicaid will help to pay, including paying a family member as a caregiver.
It sounds like you are more concerned that he is taking complete control and not allowing input from other family members.
There are two very different possible scenarios at play:
1) He could be taking advantage of her, or abusing, neglecting her.
OR
2) He, like many family caregivers, feels resentment when other siblings want a say, or to criticize, but have not offered any real help, whether hands-on or financial.
So often, family members are critical of the one who is doing all of the work. The caregiver needs real support from family. Unless they are proven to be completely incompetent or abusive, in which case, a call to APS is in order, or the family could petition the court to have the person removed from their position, and have someone else take over. Most family members don't really want to take over the job though.
However the main thing you were asking about money……. I wouldn’t unless he can show an accounting. If he can show an accounting & it seems legitimate, then it’s up to you & your siblings to decide what if anything you want to give him. If he doesn’t want to do an accounting of your moms funds, then no. He may deserve it, but he should be keeping an accounting to cover himself at the very least.
It sounds like the problems are communication with Mom and brother wanting money. If I got that right, I have a few suggestions:
1. Get Mom a Grandpad. You pay for it, and the monthly fee. Set it up and bring it to her. She will need WiFi to use it or you might need a more expensive connection. You can call her or she can call you simply by pushing a big button on the screen with your picture. You can put in all of your siblings or anyone else she might like to talk to or hear from.
2. Estimate the cost of Mom's care. That's not hard to do. Include food and medications. You can look up cost of meds online. I assume she doesn't take a lot of medications because she is in such good shape. Does her $2000/month cover it? If it does, say nothing to brother and stand down. When he asks for money, politely say that you don't have anything to spare above your own needs as you are a senior also. If her costs of living (not including rent) are more than her total income (including the small pension), it is a problem that Mom and Brother did not plan for and you are not responsible for. None of you need to give him money, but it would be nice if it is affordable. It would be appropriate to be sympathetic and supportive of brother in this case. Help him to find public assistance that might cover part of Mom's medical costs or food.
3. If Mom is in as good of shape as you say, she could be around for 5-10 more years. Is Brother well enough that he will be alive and functional for that time? Is there a care plan if Brother gets sick or dies? This should be the bigger worry. Someone else might need to move in to take care of Mom, but that could be a legal mess.
4. Arrange for a regular, planned visit with Mom. Bring in lunch or dinner for all of them. Plan it with Brother and niece, not just Mom so that they know they are included. Make certain that the timing works with whatever Brother has scheduled for Mom. If he wants to use that time to be elsewhere that is his choice. Offer to sit with Mom for a while if it would be helpful for them. Do this weekly if possible.
It sounds like Brother never expected Mom to live this long. He expected his payout 10 years ago, with time and money to relax in his senior years. As they say, Man plans and G-d laughs. Try to harbor no ill will towards Brother. He probably is a very unhappy man.
Let's look at it another way....what if your brother was paying rent to live in that home... let's say hypothetically $1800 per month. Now you are both on equal footing. How much would you pay someone to take care of your mom 24/7? I can tell you this much...it would be four to five times $1800.
I am venturing to say that most 101 yr olds with dementia do not have control of Alexa or even a cell phone because they can't manage it. You can turn on and off smart appliances with Alexa. There is no way I could have that around my mom with dementia. Can you just call your brothers phone and tell him you would like to speak to mom? Set up a recurring time to facetime with her once a week? Acting like he is the enemy isn't going to help anything. If you think it is so easy and some sort of money making scheme, I am sure he would help move mom to your place so you could see how lucrative and life changing it is. Maybe mom gave him the house and asked him to care for her so she wouldn't be placed and she knew he was the only one that could do that out of all of her kids. Kind of a help me and I will help you situation.
No one knows the toll it takes to provide care for someone... mentally, physically or financially until you are doing it. And if you have been doing it for a long time, you are not looking for back seat drivers to offer their criticism disguised as advice. Do you realize that he can't go to his own doctors appointments, the grocery or spend half the day in the yard cutting grass and trimming hedges unless someone is there to watch her? If anything, a simple "thank you for taking care of mom while the rest of us continue to live our carefree lives" is all that's required..
Since Mom has dementia, Alexa may be disturbing to her OR simply just waking her when she is napping. Ask when it is a good time to call.
As others have mentioned, the dividing of money to children leaves her pennyless in case of high medical bills, being in hospital, etc. Where we live, ambulance fee is $ 200 each way- to and from hospital. And that is after what insurance pays. Mom.has a kind heart and wanted to give all of you one last gift, but if care advances to assisted living, memory care it will fall to the family. That 5 year look back for medicaid is a BIG issue. Elder care attorney can sort it all out for you or possibly a free service from free legal.service in your area. It just seems you are sitting on a crisis about to occur any time. Not many are able to live out theiryears at home. Care tasks increase and not always possible at home. Have you checked about Hospice care.
But there are often two sides.
Eg from real forum tales I've read:
Side A. Family told not to call or visit when they choose. Told they cannot make extended visits or stay in the home. Feel excluded, shut out, resentful.
Side B. The elder becoming distressed by calls in late afternoon or visits of more than 30mins. The live-in family very stressed - unable to host overnight guests. Feel overwhelmed, exhausted & unhelped.
It can polarise siblings - create drama, as JColl7 says. It can be hard for siblings to get on the same team, but if they can, a great caregiving team can be made. Unfortunately, due to personalities, some siblings will tend to 'control' & the others are left to bide their time.
I have witnesses first hand the drama that ensues between siblings when a parent requires caregiving and the inevitable death of the parent. So sad that this drama seems to be the norm.
You do not owe your brother anything. Like many other of Our Forum has answered, do Not give away any of your money to your brother to care for your mother. Why did she divide her savings to her four children? She needs that money for her care. What if mother runs out of money if or when she gets forced into a facility for her care beyond your brother' level? That your mother that gave away money as gifts may be a problem to get Medicaid. You need to contact an elder care attorney. If money is a problem, contact your mother's Area of Aging Council.
"Abiding my time to see how all this turns out."
That doesn't sound like someone who wants to get involved in the situation.
I feel like this forum is a sounding board helping the OP to consider the situation from different angles and to come to certain realisations.
The OP's main question was whether the brother had a right to demand money with no accountability. The different ideas and suggestions will help the OP to make decisions.
Isn't that the point of the forum?
Is there any helps you can find since your family is not there for you? Aging & Disability or other agencies help with elderly care. I'm assuming your mother doesn't contribute financially to the situation? As many have said you can't do it alone! Take care of yourself.
Our mother is trapped in this situation thinking that she needed to treat our older brother better when he was growing up and that I as the only daughter was unfairly favored especially by our Dad. Maybe it's her penance? though she is a strong believer in the grace and forgiveness of Jesus. How many of us aren't trapped by the things in our past.
Abiding my time to see what happens.
He owns the house through an LLC, he is the PoA. He's dysfunctionally trying to manipulate everyone into giving him more money by using your Mom as bait/hostage.
You must come to grips with the fact that the only power you and siblings have in this situation is to take it to an elder law attorney on the *possible* grounds of financial abuse, and maybe even emotional abuse, of your Mom.
And no, do not give him a penny. Don't talk to him unless he contacts you and siblings first. Tell him you're taking it to an attorney to sort out. Then let him stew on that information.
First of all, my brother owns the house by a LLC which my parents set up before our father died. It is a family heritage with a long history. My brother bought the other shares from our two other brothers. I was excluded from the LLC as my parents by their request built a grandparents addition on our previous house. In the LLC our mother is allowed to stay in the house as long as she is alive provided she shares in the expenses. She does.
Secondly, my brother has POA medical and I believe financial. He is the co-owner of her bank account with a third person signed on but no longer involved with our mother's care. He had two doctors sign our mother off of decision making due to her short term dementia. He is responsible for her medical care: appointments and medications which he does.
Thirdly, he will not let me be involved in caring for our mother. He refuses outside help unless forced to do this. He won't allow me to take over her care for any time at all even when I visit our mother. He does leave her alone many times during the day. Besides this he threatened me not to take anything out of our mother's living area. He thinks he owns what she has. Also I've had a well care check by the local police as well as contacted APS but there isn't much they can do. Of course, he was extremely mad at me that I tried to deal with our mother's injustice in this way.
Fourthly, he will not give me or our other two brothers an account of our mother's expenses. I have no way to know if he needs more money for her care. I have been willing to help in the past with money but not now since he demands but doesn't do his part I have stopped giving him money.
Lastly, yes our mother has funeral plans taken care of mostly. When I went to the funeral home her prepaid funeral plan doesn't cover the increase in the cost of the services; therefore, as of now the family owes the funeral home around $4000US but can go up again later this year. I wonder who will be expected to pay this?
I also went to her home church and was able to fill out the funeral service plans like she wants since my brother neglected to do this.
Barring a miracle of our brother's change of heart things will remain the same. I'm learning to accept things as they are and let go of my own expectations.
My mother always prayed for her family, we respect her religious beliefs. Love how you respect your mother!
Mom gave brother the lead.
You can't change this now I think..
It is very sad indeed when the main caregiver restricts access. It can be protective or controlling.
I would advise trying to avoid getting into an even worse tug of war over Mom.
Re Care: ASK brother his reasons against Alexa. (Maybe it was confusing Mom? Or there were other issues)
The reasonable test: It is his house - it is reasonable he decides what appliances to have & maintain.
DISCUSS how best to keep regular contact for you & Mom. Can he help with phone or video calls?
The reasonable test: It is reasonable to allow you contact with Mom. It is reasonable to that those she live with provide & assist with this.
Re money: Keep your finaces with brother separate. Brother has a financial arrangement (inc house) with Mom. I would refer him back to that, everytime. If he is short of funds, this is his issue.
The crux if it is HE has chosen this arrangement. He can also change it. But he cannot choose for YOU.
I'm letting go and abiding my time to see what will happen.
The house was a prior agreement between our parents and 3 of my brothers to form the LLC. My brother bought out one brother's share and basically my other brother gave him his share to our brother. He just wanted out of the messy situation and have no legal responsibility.
Abiding my time to see what will happen.
Your brother should be compensated for caregiving BUT mom should be the one paying him.
Her assets should be the ONLY funds that are to be used for her care. You should not be supplementing.
He should be paying for all the household expenses since the house is his. And technically mom should be paying him her share of all expenses. (If there are 3 people living there Mom, Brother and Granddaughter then mom should be charged 1/3 of all expenses) And Granddaughter should be paying rent but she should also be getting paid for the care giving that she is doing a few days a week.
Confused yet?
He needs to keep record of what money is being spent on mom.
Whoever is POA needs to step up and straighten this out.
OH, I guess to simply answer your question...NO you do not meet your brothers demands for money.
Abiding my time to see how all this turns out.
Answers suggested will vary based on whether he is or not.
Ten years ago my Mom brought in 1700 a month. She had her house and kept up the utilities, upkeep and taxes with that. She paid for her groceries and tithed her 10%. Moms care came later but I was able to stay within that 1700. I had no out of pocket until she passed. And that I received back out of the proceeds from the sale of her house that sold after her death.
Mom & Bro made a financial arrangement, inc house. Their arranagements didn't include the OP.
The OP is not obligated to financillay prop off a set-up Mom & Bro chose.