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Mom went into the hospital last night for unbearable pain. Her pain doctor was sure she had another fracture, but so far they haven't found one. They did a procedure today to clear out some of the scar tissue in her spine, and tonight she said to me, "I don't want to live like this. This isn't how I wanted to go out". How do you respond to that? I've often wondered why she would want to live with the awful pain she had, but she still seemed to get some pleasure in life. Now, I think, she has reached the point that she doesn't. What now? When your bones are literally disintegrating inside you, no amount of pain medication can keep you comfortable. Any suggestions or words of wisdom?

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Maybe say " I know it is very hard but you will get through this and I will be here for you when you wake up, and when we get out of here we will have your favorite dinner" something reassuring that like. Try to get her imagining herself doing something pleasant afterwards, even if just for a second it may help to breifly take her mind off the pain she's experiencing. Better to do that than fixate on the pain. Best to you and yours I'm sorry you are going through a hard time
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That must be so hard for both of you equillot. I think I would feel the same way your mom does. Is she up to watching movies? Lately I have been noticing books and stories about elders. For example The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is funny. The movie Philomena is supposed to be very good. I recently started reading to my mother each night before bed and she likes it so much. The book is about someone who grew up where she did around the same time. The books sparks her memories and provides some of her most lucid moments of the day. Good luck and warm wishes to you both.
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depression greatly amplifies all body pain. am i a doctor? no. im not a veterinarian either but i know a horses ass when i smell one.
does that make any sense? no. weve already covered that tonight. its the internet, i dont haveta make any sense.
depression does greatly amplify body pain tho. 4 years ago my mother had a bad manic crash and until her brain chemistry rebalanced itself ( typically takes 4 months ) she would genuinely inquire of me " what is the cause of all this pain ? ". manic depression is a monster of its own too. add terminal dementia to that mix and youve really got a cocktail of crazy.
i could write a book on this crap but itd be such a crappy book that "i" wouldnt even buy a copy.
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equillot, sometimes all we can do is listen and know what they are meaning. I don't think any of us want to experience the type of pain your mother is having. My heart goes out to you and her. My hope is that she has more pain-free time that you can enjoy with her. Watching movies and reading sound like such good ideas. Big hugs and good thoughts coming your way.
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Dear Equillot,

I too wonder if there is not some kind of blockage. Your mom seems to have many of the signs that we saw in my dad. He was admitted to hospital with vomiting and pain. He was very confused at the time, so it was hard to get accurate answers from him.

The bottom line is that it took almost a week for them to decide that they needed to do exploratory surgery. It turned out that his intestines were twisted (I had never heard of such a thing), which had pushed his stomach up into his chest. Because it took so long, he was very malnourished and had to be on a feeding tube for almost 2 months to let everything heal.

Had they acted quickly, I don't know if it would have changed the problem with the intestines, but it would have helped with the need for a feeding tube.

I have had to really step in to be an advocate for both my parents. Mom is gone now, but her healthcare was a nightmare. Don't be afraid to disagree with the doctors or to insist for a different doctor if you are not getting answers.

I do feel for you with the other problems your mom is having. My mom had 2 back surgeries that caused scar tissue to wrap around her sciatic nerve, causing 24/7 pain. She was much younger than your mom, but lived with it for years.

It is so difficult to watch our parents suffer. I will pray that good decisions are made for your mom and that there are answers soon.
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jeannegibbs - she hasn't been diagnosed with anything terminal at this point. She's had some GI bleeds due to divirticulitis,, and had 17" of colon removed in the past. She's had multiple back surgeries, broke her hip, has a spinal cord stimulator and goes to a pain clinic for chronic pain. She has sleep apnea, she's had a quadruple bypass years ago, which her natural vessels have now compensated for, so she's now doing fine in the heart dept, but EEG's show a new tendency towards seizures, so she's now on anti-seizure medication.

Long list, but at 83, she looks good and is actually pretty healthy. She just hurts like h*ll. Oh, and she also gets those occassional GI bleeds. They actually think some of her pain might be an obstruction, and that's why she's vomiting now. I'm not sure how long they'll wait to find out before they do anything about this. They've been giving her stuff to make her go, and nothing so far.

I really think if we're going to make people's hearts and lungs last longer, we ought to be able to find a way to make their bones and the rest of their bodies last comfortably longer as well. Otherwise, what is the point?
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eguillot, I really empathize with you (and her...) - this just sucks, doesn't it? I totally understand what your mom is saying and my heart goes out to her. And for you...? Well while mom has it worse with physical pain and inevitable aging, you deserve empathy as well because you just have to feel so helpless hearing her say those words to you and knowing how she feels... She is lucid, sharp, doesn't have dementia, and is living in pain. And Back pain is no picnic. I'm glad to hear she is feeling a little better. Hopefully removing the scar tissue took the edge off for her, for awhile. My mom who is 91 with dementia calls these years the Rusty Years instead of the Golden Years... She said everyone she loves has died, nobody calls her, her back hurts, her bones hurt, and it goes on and on... I can't imagine what my body would feel like at 91...(she will be 91 in March) - And I don't know why God planned it this way... we should all just be able to go to sleep when we are 'done' and finished, on our own terms. But in the meantime, life, such as it is, DOES go on until our time comes, and we have to make the best of it. She might take solace in knowing that the majority of us have this journey to make at one point or another. Comfort and laughter are the two things you can concentrate on for her at this time, as pain and depression get amplified when together. The shows are a great idea... movie time with the subject being movies she can identify with from her era... talks, hugs. Smiles and love. It's all any of us can do.
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Dear Equillot,
My major concern is the possible bowel obstruction. Have they told you if they can hear bowel sounds? What is the vomit like? Is it brown and foul smelling like feces.
I do strongly advise you to call in Hospice, they will be the ones who decide if she is appropriate for their care.
If she does have a bowel obstructions you and she have some difficult decisions to make. Hospice will tell you truthfully exactly what your options are and the likely outcomes. Please be honest with Mom and support her decisions. It will be hard for you but she is still of sound mind and must decide what is best for her not for her loving family.
Remember that most Drs see loosing a patient as a failure often personal and are not necessarily truthful about the prognosis hoping to spare the patient and family.
I agree with the Capt that with depression the body can't deal effectively with pain and that pain in itself eventually causes depression. When his mother died Hospice provided pain and anxiety relief for her. Unfortunately the side effects of this treatment do mean that the patient is no longer aware but the end is peaceful and pain free. Please contact hospice today, even if they can not immediately admit her they will be able to discuss her options with you in far more detail than I have. This is what they do,they have seen it many times.
Blessing and hugs. Life is never fair and rarely easy.
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Mom has been on Cymbalta for some time, not as an anti-depressant, but to help with pain relief. Her diagnosis is not complete - they would like to give her an MRI, but can't, due to the implanted stimulator in her spine. She has had a 4 level fusion and has one of the worst cases of osteoporosis and arthritis and "failed" back surgeries that the neurosurgeons have seen. Believe me, Captain, Mom is normally a very optomistic, cheerful woman who deals well with the pain she has on a day by day basis. This is WAY out of the ordinary for her. This is a new pain, not her ordinary pain. It's in a different place, it was sudden in onset (her doctor was sure she had a compression fracture - my father broke his back just sitting on the side of the bed), but it hasn't shown yet. It may still be a stress fracture, which may need contrast dye to show up with a CT scan, or, as the doctors believe, it may be that she is impacted and that is causing her pain and now, vomiting. I don't think depression would cause vomiting. Whatever it is, something is going on.
I'm not ready to call in hospice until we get a diagnosis. I don't want Mom to get the idea that we're giving up on her. I'm not ready to give up on her.
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Oh, I forgot to add, my spine doctors at Desert Institute for Spine Care (DISC) are the consulting doctors for the AZ Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Reds, the Rattlers, Phoenix Suns, and me! I was an athlete in my younger days...
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