Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to be happy again without this feeling of shadow over me. Always knowing that whatever happiness or ease I find in my life that I'll always feel guilty for it because my mother is suffering and will be until she passes which could easily be over a decade from now. Every now and then I will happen to have a good day or even good news and it's almost inevitable that my mother promptly has a crisis or some new misery to ruin it.
It almost feels like my life is already stolen, not really mine anymore and I'm long-distance from her for now but that is soon to change. I'm finding it harder to manage things from a distance, so one way or another she will be local but I plan to never live with her or I'd go crazy. Maybe I'd feel different if we'd had a good relationship up until now but we definitely did not. No matter how many services I arrange or how many professionals I put between me and her, I'll never be free of the responsibility unless I leave her to the state but the guilt would kill me.
How do the rest of you manage? Are you able to maintain any real happiness in the face of all this endless illness and decline?