How do other caregivers deal with parental nastiness when it just hurts so much?

Follow
Share

I would just like to have a little healing time myself and wondered what feelings other caregivers have to deal with nastiness and vitriol. What tools do they use to stop being constantly hurt? At no time do I retaliate when my mother starts. I just bite my tongue and cry when I get home.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
22

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
I tried walking out on my mother. Worked at first; then she used it as fuel to start an argument. "Me dejaste con la palabra en la boca" (You left me with the word in my mouth), blah, blah, blah. If I tried the counselor bit to help her identify what was making her so miserable, she'd snap at me with "I'm not a baby, and I'm not one of your f___ ing clients!"

Since her only condition was age-related decline, I decided to stop being her punching bag. I did, however, keep the lines of communication open in case she wanted to share her grief or just shoot the breeze.

I didn't make any threats I wasn't going to carry out; and she knew it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Hugs to everyone. Now one knows how hard till they experience it. Others are quick to say "don't let yourself be treated like that, stand up for yourself" Walk a mile or even a few feet in my shoes.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Countrymouse my mother has always been like that. When I had my hip replaced very many years ago she didn't even come to see me in the hospital. Once out of hospital on crutches there was no offer to help with anything yet after she fell a couple of months ago and was taken to emerg to get a cut finger stitched (on blood thinners so it wouldn't stop bleeding) she gave me the devil for not rushing to sit and keep her company. I've pretty much been on my own all my life unless she needed a punching bag. She wouldn't lift a finger to help her parents when they were old and unwell because it was "too much trouble". By caring for her for four hellish years I've more than done my duty.

I'm just fine, thanks for asking! Since I changed my phone number and leave it off the hook often so the NH can't bug me with every little thing I don't have the stress of dreading and dealing with the afternoon screaming, fight picking phone calls and I'm feeling so much better. Spring is just around the corner and I'm planning my gardens, along with more renovations. I'm finally free!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mother has always had a way with words and now that I'm her caregiver it's gotten harder to deal with. Recently she's called me a martyr a few times. I finally set her straight. I said, "Understand that I will care for you as long as I possibly can. I will help feed you, bathe you, change your daipers, and always love you. However, unless I'm being mean to you I will not be verbally abused. If I'm doing something to upset you talk to me about it. Do not call me names or be nasty to me. I deserve to be given the same respect I give you."

She felt horrible and apologized. Said she will not call me names and will work on talking to me before being so harsh. She has bipolar disorder so it's not easy for her to do all this but I know she'll try.

Talk with your mother. Lay it out to her. Remind her when she gets this way that you understand she is frustrated with getting older but it's not easy for anyone and being verbally abusive doesn't make it any easier.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My mother was the best mother ever when I was growing up. She treated everyone with respect, was very kind, and was just so sweet. She had my back many a time and was always in my corner. She was the mother everyone would have wanted. Then she was a widow, then she married a man who had bipolar disease. All things changed. Her personality changed. I am most grateful that she was so sweet when I was growing up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Um, Ashlynne, the not calling to see if you're ok must be painful, I agree, but that really IS the disease-and-not-the-person (I know, don't hit me! - we all must get sick to the back teeth of hearing that, but it is true sometimes); it sounds like a combination of short-term memory problems and flat affect.

If you've had enough, fair enough, but don't punish her for that one. It must be harder if she was always like that, though, I do understand. Mine was only clueless, never selfish.

And are you ok? Are you getting that check up? Shouldn't you have the - bleah, what's it called, somebody? - you know, the blood flow through the carotid artery check? Somebody will know what I'm wittering about.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I do remember my paternal grandmother living with us, but she was in her sixties and my mom was in her thirties. People didn't live as long back then. Moms didn't work outside the home then. Now I am in my sixties and expected to care for someone in their eighties. Physically, emotionally it is just not possible to do this. Where's my rocking chair?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

pstegman I've no idea how you resist the urge to strangle her lol and she's not even a blood relative. I told my mother the other day that I'd had a bit of a "turn" while driving last week - sudden hot flash and a few seconds of blurred vision. It really scared me as my mother,has had many strokes, my maternal aunt and grandmother dropped dead from stroke.

It occurred to me today that she's not called to see if I'm feeling, ok, going to get a checkup? Nada, nothing ... she couldn't give a damn in h*ll about me or my well being - it is and has always been about her.. That's the final straw. Apart from the occasional visit, ensuring she has all she needs and attending to her finances I'm kicking her to the curb After over 60 years of misery I'm taking my life back with both hands.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ashlynne, my MIL goes on the tirade of " I took care of MY mother." and I asked her how is it she did that when she was in Florida 5 months out of the year. Bullsnot. I took every Wednesday off work to care for Nana while she was enjoying her third husband and picking free oranges wherever she could.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Debralee I'm in much the same position you are. There is a doc that visits the NH regularly and checks out anyone's problems. I don't do taxi - 1) she can't walk 2) she can't get into my truck, I can't lift her and the NH staff aren't allowed to do so. If there's any emergency an ambulance or small wheelchair equipped transit bus takes her to the hospital 4 km away. My mother too made her choices throughout her life and wouldn't lift a manicured finger to help her parents when they were old and sick so I'm afraid I have no sympathy.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions