How do other caregivers deal with parental nastiness when it just hurts so much?

We use the hat & coat method "Mom, I don't know why you are so angry, I'll be back when you are feeling better" and go. If you live with her, leave the house, on foot, by car, on horse, whatever it takes.

What Blannie said...

My mom was always nasty though from as far back as I can remember. Eventually, if you deal with it enough you'll still hurt, but anger will come to your rescue...better pissed off than pissed on... I'm sorry you guys have to deal... No fun there for sure... :/

I tried walking out on my mother. Worked at first; then she used it as fuel to start an argument. "Me dejaste con la palabra en la boca" (You left me with the word in my mouth), blah, blah, blah. If I tried the counselor bit to help her identify what was making her so miserable, she'd snap at me with "I'm not a baby, and I'm not one of your f___ ing clients!"

Since her only condition was age-related decline, I decided to stop being her punching bag. I did, however, keep the lines of communication open in case she wanted to share her grief or just shoot the breeze.

I didn't make any threats I wasn't going to carry out; and she knew it.

Raven I'm so sorry you have to go through any vitriol. I've only had it once from my mom and it's taken me two weeks to recover and I'm still not over it. When my mom was nasty to me, something in me just turned off, after almost 13 years of day-to-day care. My mom has forgotten it, I'm sure, but I surely haven't. I'm still going through the motions but my heart is different. I think you just have to shut off that part of you that reacts and turn it back on when you're "safe" again and out of the line of fire. I got so angry at my mom, which I've never felt before. But over time that's moderated. It's a hard thing to discuss with others, because they only see the little old helpless lady. So I feel for you...and I'll be interested to hear what others say.

My mother has always had a way with words and now that I'm her caregiver it's gotten harder to deal with. Recently she's called me a martyr a few times. I finally set her straight. I said, "Understand that I will care for you as long as I possibly can. I will help feed you, bathe you, change your daipers, and always love you. However, unless I'm being mean to you I will not be verbally abused. If I'm doing something to upset you talk to me about it. Do not call me names or be nasty to me. I deserve to be given the same respect I give you."

She felt horrible and apologized. Said she will not call me names and will work on talking to me before being so harsh. She has bipolar disorder so it's not easy for her to do all this but I know she'll try.

Talk with your mother. Lay it out to her. Remind her when she gets this way that you understand she is frustrated with getting older but it's not easy for anyone and being verbally abusive doesn't make it any easier.

I'm going through the same thing, but added to that is he lives with my fiancée, his son and I. He wont shower or smoke outside, he acts like since im his daughter (im 30) that he can still make the rules and do whatever he wants... im sorry to hear that others deal with the same thing I do on a day to day basis

What Pstegman said... Indeed. Over and over and over and over....

Raven7, I can completely relate! My mother, who is 80 this year, can be so vicious. This is a woman who adored me (and I her), so it is shocking and hurtful when something so venomous flows from her mouth.

I wish I could give you ideas for dealing with it, but I have none. I generally hold my tongue, maybe go to the bathroom and cry a bit, then go back out. By that time, she has forgotten whatever flared her up and we start again. I continually remind myself that she does not know what she is saying, that she would never talk to me that way and would be appalled if she knew. I pray for patience (and hurry up!) and go on. Must admit though, it is SO HARD!!

As for the "hat and coat" method, not everyone can do that. I cannot leave my mother alone for any amount of time and there is nobody else to stay with her. About a month ago, while I was in the bathroom in the morning, she got the car keys, took off for 5 hours and ultimately wrecked the car. THANKFULLY she was not hurt, nor did she hurt anyone else or their property.

My mother was the best mother ever when I was growing up. She treated everyone with respect, was very kind, and was just so sweet. She had my back many a time and was always in my corner. She was the mother everyone would have wanted. Then she was a widow, then she married a man who had bipolar disease. All things changed. Her personality changed. I am most grateful that she was so sweet when I was growing up.

Countrymouse my mother has always been like that. When I had my hip replaced very many years ago she didn't even come to see me in the hospital. Once out of hospital on crutches there was no offer to help with anything yet after she fell a couple of months ago and was taken to emerg to get a cut finger stitched (on blood thinners so it wouldn't stop bleeding) she gave me the devil for not rushing to sit and keep her company. I've pretty much been on my own all my life unless she needed a punching bag. She wouldn't lift a finger to help her parents when they were old and unwell because it was "too much trouble". By caring for her for four hellish years I've more than done my duty.

I'm just fine, thanks for asking! Since I changed my phone number and leave it off the hook often so the NH can't bug me with every little thing I don't have the stress of dreading and dealing with the afternoon screaming, fight picking phone calls and I'm feeling so much better. Spring is just around the corner and I'm planning my gardens, along with more renovations. I'm finally free!