It has been over a year since he had the partial amputation and he is still doing his best to walk with the prosthetic leg. He gets easily discouraged and I do my best to give him encouragement and keeps his life running as smoothly as I can. But there are days when I do not have it in me to keep smiling and listening to his mean words when he is down and angry. Those are days when I need words of kindness to keep on going myself.

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I haven’t coped with what you’re dealing with. I will say I’m glad you’re being encouraging and kind. But you never need to listen to angry and mean words, much less smile through it. When that starts, walk away and go do something positive for yourself. You’re a spouse, not a therapist, and that’s what he needs for getting to a place of acceptance of his new normal and losing the anger.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
disgustedtoo Jul 9, 2020
That's pretty much what I would have said - you do NOT have to be his punching bag. If he's having a bad day and starts on you, walk away! Go for a long walk or drive outside, away from him. Have an ice cream cone! Whatever, do something nice for you since you ARE doing all these nice things for him!!!

We don't need to be smiling all the time, especially when those around you are grumpy and/or dumping on you! Funny, when I was still working, sometimes people would tell me to smile. I wasn't grumpy or complaining or angry, I just wasn't smiling. I finally told someone I should get a smiley face mask and put it on while I'm here at work! I also said that if I went around smiling all the time, security might pay me a visit and want to know what I am up to....

You can try to be supportive and cheerful, but if he's in a mood, I don't think anything you do will turn that frown upside down... Maybe the smiley face mask... :-) Pity parties are best avoided, so as Daughterof1930 says, walk away. If he's got some working brain cells, he might catch on at some point and realize he's being a real party pooper!
I agree with Daughterof1930 100%. Is your husband's diabetes something he could have warded off had he changed his lifestyle, by chance? Either way, he's not 'doing his best to walk with the prosthetic leg' if he's so easily discouraged after more than ONE YEAR and being mean to you about HIS issue. Time to pull on his big boy pants and suck up his situation without taking out his anger on you, that's my opinion on the matter. YOU didn't get him into the situation and are doing YOUR best, in reality, to help HIM cope, and he's being a jerk about it.

Life is tough. We all find ourselves in situations sometimes that are very difficult to cope with. But we press on; we don't give up and turn OUR problems into our loved ones' problems. That's what you need to tell him. And then get out of the house every day and do something entirely for YOU. Take a class; learn to throw pottery, join a book club, a gym.............something/anything that takes the focus off of HIM and puts it on YOU. You deserve a life too. When we get all bogged down with care giving, we get to thinking life revolves around the person with the illness or the issue. It doesn't and it shouldn't. There are TWO people involved here, not just your DH. If it's true depression he's dealing with over the partial loss of his leg, then he needs to get himself to the doctor for medication and therapy. It's way past time now.

Wishing you the best of luck tuning HIM out and moving on with YOUR life.
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Reply to lealonnie1

I’m sorry for your situation. Likely, DH is angry about his condition, but, no excuse to take it out on you. I might insist he get some counseling to stop his angry words. That is not acceptable. I’d find my own counselor to help me cope and set boundaries. You deserve so much support and appreciation for what you do. Try to surround yourself with light and bright moments. I find meditation spa music is soothing and helps calm me on brutal days. There is a variety on you tube. Online support is helpful too.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1

I am so sorry. I hope there are times he turns to you and says "I know it isn't your fault; I know how much you help me; I am so sorry to take out on you my own depression, because I don't know what I would do without you."
Perhaps he is too steeped in his own depression to do that, and to know that, and I wonder if you look back if his personality has not always been just a bit the same, and now is just "more what it is" due to this loss.
It isn't for sissies, old age. At 78 I sure am beginning to know that old adage is very true. It is loss of those you love. Loss of hearing and balance and body parts. Loss of dignity. And it is hard to see an upside. Not like we will get younger. It is just hard.
Try to acknowledge his grief and loss and fear and pain and depression. Don't try to jolly him up. And hon, just occasionally level with him that what hurts HIM hurts you as well; that you try and are often at a loss what to say or do for him. That you feel helpless and at a loss so often as well.
I am so sorry you are BOTH going through this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

In addition to my comment under Daughterof1930's comment, perhaps you can look up Tammy Duckworth (US Senator) on Wikipedia and print out her story for him, highlighting the section on her military service. At age 36, the helicopter she was co-piloting was hit by a missile and she lost one leg up near the hip and the other below the knee. She also sustained some broken bones and major tissue damage to her right arm! Recently that jerk on F news has been badmouthing her - as she says in retort, try walking a mile on her "legs"!

Doesn't make his situation any better, but perhaps if he can see he isn't the only one who has to deal with a prosthetic, and he certainly is a lot better off than some like Tammy, at least physically! She actually fought to remain in the National Guard after her recovery, and has worked her way through to becoming a Senator!
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Reply to disgustedtoo
katiekat2009 Jul 12, 2020
Naturally, Tammy Duckworth is an angry, black woman representing a failed State. She is doing EXACTLY what the poster is saying her husband is doing - taking out her frustrations on other people. She may be a war hero but her mouth is full of destruction and hate.
Maybe husband needs some more therapy. Two of my friends ended up choosing not to use prosthetics. One was a juvenile diabetic and the prosthetic caused sores. The other initially seem to do well but chose not to use it.

When he gets angry and mean, just walk out. He will eventually get the message.
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Reply to JoAnn29

You are not responsible for his emotions. You are not responsible for his life choices and the consequences. You choose to do life together - good and bad. You help most by NOT becoming an emotional garbage can. Demand he gets more physical therapy so the therapist can work with him on his mobility issues. Demand that he get counseling - group and individual - to start dealing with his amputation adjustment issues. I would suggest you get counselling too to create better boundaries and come up with coping strategies when your spouse acts like a jerk.
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Reply to Taarna

I think that he is pretty fortunate. So many people around the world lose limbs and do not get a prosthetic limb.

You need to stop being his everything and let him figure out how to be what he is now.

No offense intended, but we can do to much and contribute to the problem instead of being a solution.

My dad lost one eye and about 50% of his vision in the other eye from a bad surgeon. He has found a way to live alone and take care of 3 dogs. So it can be done. His desire to be independent is stronger than his pity party. Tell your husband to stop feeling sorry for himself and start appreciating what he has. He could have gone completely blind from the diabetes.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

I am frequently in a lot of pain from scoliosis. My DH is very kind, but there is a limit to how he can help. I put a lot of energy into staying as positive as possible, not telling when things are bad, not complaining, amusing DH as well as myself as I search for stupid jokes for all of us. Some things make me laugh – like our casual worker who asks how I am, I say ‘Not too bad, thanks’, and every time he says ‘That’s what I like to hear!”. Yup, no-one wants to hear that you are crook.

Your husband needs to ‘man up’, be grateful for whatever he can (particularly your help), and make himself a list of challenges to work on (particularly not complaining).
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

I just poured my heart out telling my story (similar—eventually, my husband had two amputations...and previous to those... a kidney transplant).

My entire FULL post was just erased as I pushed the post button wrongly!! 😳🤪🥴

Maybe I will come back later....for now...I will say that I completely understand!!! Lots of good advice has been shared....Talk...set boundaries for your own mental health...and encourage independence!! ( It may take others to do that!!).

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Reply to Omobowale

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