After Caregiving ... More Caregiving?
My husband passed a little over 2 weeks ago. He was only age 63, but had a myriad of chronic conditions that affected him both physically and cognitively. The last 10 months, in particular, were ... rough.
His 92-year-old father (FIL) is in "Independent" Living.
I'm still in shock over my husband's death, and miss him horribly. But life, and its necessities, go on.
My FIL has dementia. He can only move far enough to get himself in trouble. His delusions cause him to get into lots and lots of trouble.
My 2 SILs have taken to staying with him overnight, every night. Nobody's pressuring me ... but I feel I need to step up, too.
That said, the whole purpose of placement seems to have been defeated. And, to be candid ... my Inner Monster Brat does NOT want to sign up for more caregiving. My Inner Adult, however, wants me to get a grip. After all, this is not the full-time caregiving I'd been doing.
What would you do?
And, besides:
If your SILs feel the need to support your FIL overnight every night, he may be in independent living but he is not living independently according to standard criteria for these facilities. His care plan needs to be reconsidered. And, so, in any case - no, I don't think you should prop up a rocky arrangement.
Your FIL's care is something that his children need to figure out. "Independent Living" is not a suitable level of care for someone with dementia.
He needs a higher level of care and the addition of a geriatric psychiatrist to his team. "Stepping up" is only going to prolong the "propping up" stage.
Please take care of yourself. And no, you're not a brat.
I believed Confounded is absolutely within her rights to take the same approach.
So sorry for your loss.
I was certain moving my mom, post stroke and post broken hip and surgical repair was going to kill my mom. She thrived and lived for 4 1/2 years there!
What SILs are doing is unsustainable. Don't go there; the sooner they are forced to come up with a better solution, the better.
My mom's Independent Living facility had a geriatrician and geri-psych who had offices on site. Is anything like that available? Also, know that UTIs in elders sometimes present as behavioral disturbances, so pass that knowledge along.
Be well. (((((Hugs))))))
And don't feel guilty!!!
You need time to discover what you want in life. I am sure more care giving is not high on your list of priorities right now. This does not mean you are a monster brat. It means you are looking after yourself.
Once you have rediscovered who you are as a single woman, then you can decide who you will share your time with.
A very wise woman told me the old it takes a year to grieve has been replaced by a minimum of a year, but add on one month for every year of your relationship, over 12 years. 30 years=30 months or 2.5 years to find your new normal. It was very true for me.
My SILs are overwhelmed with FIL's care. One of them is freaking out. She doesn't pressure me, but her pain does reach me.
I love them all, but now I realize it's too early for me to take on a new "client." Especially one with deep cognitive deficits.
Although the past 10 months with my husband were the most difficult, I've had to "think for two" - at least to some degree - since his first stroke in 2011.
Time to start thinking for one ... and frankly, I no longer know how (if I ever really did).
I will support them as best I can ... but ... I do believe I've joined Team Monster Brat.
Many thanks to you all!