How do you all cope with a spouse who has recently had to accept that he lost part of his left leg because of his diabetes disease?

I haven’t coped with what you’re dealing with. I will say I’m glad you’re being encouraging and kind. But you never need to listen to angry and mean words, much less smile through it. When that starts, walk away and go do something positive for yourself. You’re a spouse, not a therapist, and that’s what he needs for getting to a place of acceptance of his new normal and losing the anger.

I am so sorry. I hope there are times he turns to you and says "I know it isn't your fault; I know how much you help me; I am so sorry to take out on you my own depression, because I don't know what I would do without you."
Perhaps he is too steeped in his own depression to do that, and to know that, and I wonder if you look back if his personality has not always been just a bit the same, and now is just "more what it is" due to this loss.
It isn't for sissies, old age. At 78 I sure am beginning to know that old adage is very true. It is loss of those you love. Loss of hearing and balance and body parts. Loss of dignity. And it is hard to see an upside. Not like we will get younger. It is just hard.
Try to acknowledge his grief and loss and fear and pain and depression. Don't try to jolly him up. And hon, just occasionally level with him that what hurts HIM hurts you as well; that you try and are often at a loss what to say or do for him. That you feel helpless and at a loss so often as well.
I am so sorry you are BOTH going through this.

I agree with Daughterof1930 100%. Is your husband's diabetes something he could have warded off had he changed his lifestyle, by chance? Either way, he's not 'doing his best to walk with the prosthetic leg' if he's so easily discouraged after more than ONE YEAR and being mean to you about HIS issue. Time to pull on his big boy pants and suck up his situation without taking out his anger on you, that's my opinion on the matter. YOU didn't get him into the situation and are doing YOUR best, in reality, to help HIM cope, and he's being a jerk about it.

Life is tough. We all find ourselves in situations sometimes that are very difficult to cope with. But we press on; we don't give up and turn OUR problems into our loved ones' problems. That's what you need to tell him. And then get out of the house every day and do something entirely for YOU. Take a class; learn to throw pottery, join a book club, a gym.............something/anything that takes the focus off of HIM and puts it on YOU. You deserve a life too. When we get all bogged down with care giving, we get to thinking life revolves around the person with the illness or the issue. It doesn't and it shouldn't. There are TWO people involved here, not just your DH. If it's true depression he's dealing with over the partial loss of his leg, then he needs to get himself to the doctor for medication and therapy. It's way past time now.

Wishing you the best of luck tuning HIM out and moving on with YOUR life.

I’m sorry for your situation. Likely, DH is angry about his condition, but, no excuse to take it out on you. I might insist he get some counseling to stop his angry words. That is not acceptable. I’d find my own counselor to help me cope and set boundaries. You deserve so much support and appreciation for what you do. Try to surround yourself with light and bright moments. I find meditation spa music is soothing and helps calm me on brutal days. There is a variety on you tube. Online support is helpful too.

In addition to my comment under Daughterof1930's comment, perhaps you can look up Tammy Duckworth (US Senator) on Wikipedia and print out her story for him, highlighting the section on her military service. At age 36, the helicopter she was co-piloting was hit by a missile and she lost one leg up near the hip and the other below the knee. She also sustained some broken bones and major tissue damage to her right arm! Recently that jerk on F news has been badmouthing her - as she says in retort, try walking a mile on her "legs"!

Doesn't make his situation any better, but perhaps if he can see he isn't the only one who has to deal with a prosthetic, and he certainly is a lot better off than some like Tammy, at least physically! She actually fought to remain in the National Guard after her recovery, and has worked her way through to becoming a Senator!

Maybe husband needs some more therapy. Two of my friends ended up choosing not to use prosthetics. One was a juvenile diabetic and the prosthetic caused sores. The other initially seem to do well but chose not to use it.

When he gets angry and mean, just walk out. He will eventually get the message.

Sometimes if you try to be cheerful and positive, it makes the other person feel you aren't listening, etc. Try being angry with him. Acknowledge what he says. You may find that in a few minutes, it calms him a bit and you can gradually transition to a more positive conversation. I hope that works for you. Please know you're doing a great thing.

You are not responsible for his emotions. You are not responsible for his life choices and the consequences. You choose to do life together - good and bad. You help most by NOT becoming an emotional garbage can. Demand he gets more physical therapy so the therapist can work with him on his mobility issues. Demand that he get counseling - group and individual - to start dealing with his amputation adjustment issues. I would suggest you get counselling too to create better boundaries and come up with coping strategies when your spouse acts like a jerk.

Of course your husband is depressed and angry with his new circumstances. You might help most by being sympathetic to his emotions. Acknowledge that this is a difficult and inconvenient and perhaps painful situation. Focus comments and responses on the task at hand. If he is having trouble putting the leg on or walking smoothly with it or is just hating the inconvenience, agree that these are really hard things to do. When you address the task itself instead of the bahavior, the person who does the task feels more pride and accomplishment.

To 'disgusted too'
About the smiley face mask- I have to tell you, your comment about security
gave me the best laugh I've had for a very long time!
Goes to show that humour is a priceless gift -thank you so much...

I understand where you are coming from and here is my take. To the extent possible, be kind and compassionate and understanding. Also seek medical and therapy help (I doubt he will cooperate). But when you see that his behavior and outbursts are harming you, then I would stand firm and tell him once and for all to stop what he is doing/saying because it is impacting you who had nothing to do with it. Tell him to stop at once or you will take appropriate action to make it stop. Perhaps threaten to leave him or put him somewhere. Find an Achilles heel and present that. Do whatever you can to stop him because if you don't, YOU WILL BE GREATLY HARMED AND DESTROYED AND YOU CANNOT TOLERATE OR ALLOW THAT. I truly know no other way - I have seen this work.

One other thing I would add, although for someone like hubby going through this, it may not be the best thing to say... Maybe using the animal videos discussed below when he is in a GOOD mood might help though.

Personally, if I had to cope with losing part of me, about the only thing that would get me down is losing my eyesight. I'd prefer not to lose anything, but take a leg, arm, hand, foot, hearing, speech, I would just have to learn to cope with it. Eyesight would scare the bejeezus out of me!

Something else that might help (or not), find some videos of animals who have to cope with limb loss. There was one (Vet Ranch on you tube videos, Pretzel) who only had 2 working legs, front and back on the same side - they were not sure she would have any quality of life, but she has done SO well! He did leave the other front limb on, although it was mainly paralyzed, so it was mostly for balance - she would hold it up when in motion, and the rear leg he also left part of it, so she has something to help stabilize and launch from, but doesn't walk on it. She was kept by the vet and became the office cat! More recent is James, born with no back legs (he has one little stub with a single claw, but it isn't usable - check him out on Kitten Lady's you tube video.) Bad enough that, but his stool was totally backed up and like a rock! They removed what they could and there was still more, but he finally passed that with some help AND there is a FB update 6/28 showing how "active" he is, despite having no hind legs!

It is amazing how well many animals (and people) do adjust to limb loss, and most animals don't have the option of prosthetics or walkers (some do have little "wheelchairs" if they need them to get around, but there are SO many who get around with 1 or even 2 missing limbs, and even some blind cats are AMAZING to watch in action!) People just unfortunately can think about it too much and get frustrated and/or depressed. I had one cat who suffered a broken hip joint (there are MANY Vet Ranch videos about this), where the best solution is to remove the ball at the end of the femur, which is already broken, and let the soft tissue strengthen and allow them to walk again without pain. In my little guy's case, initially if he tried to get up on hind legs, he would stumble or fall over, but eventually he could run and climb as if nothing happened! I would even find him on top of doors and there was nothing nearby to assist him getting up there!

Tell him. Find a time when he is in a reasonsble place (not in the midst of a rant) and sit him down for the conversation. Plan what you are going to say and explain how you feel and what you want from him.
The problem with devastating life events is that we sometimes forget that it is not just us who are badly affected. Our love ones suffer too but in a different way.
You need to let him know you are there for him but as your partner he has to be there for you too! Sometimes refocusing helps the sufferer forget their own issues whilst they try to put other things right.

I think that he is pretty fortunate. So many people around the world lose limbs and do not get a prosthetic limb.

You need to stop being his everything and let him figure out how to be what he is now.

No offense intended, but we can do to much and contribute to the problem instead of being a solution.

My dad lost one eye and about 50% of his vision in the other eye from a bad surgeon. He has found a way to live alone and take care of 3 dogs. So it can be done. His desire to be independent is stronger than his pity party. Tell your husband to stop feeling sorry for himself and start appreciating what he has. He could have gone completely blind from the diabetes.

Imho, does he have a counselor whom he could see to work out the ramifications of losing part of his leg? And do you have a counselor whom you could see for your own well being?

Therapy

I am frequently in a lot of pain from scoliosis. My DH is very kind, but there is a limit to how he can help. I put a lot of energy into staying as positive as possible, not telling when things are bad, not complaining, amusing DH as well as myself as I search for stupid jokes for all of us. Some things make me laugh – like our casual worker who asks how I am, I say ‘Not too bad, thanks’, and every time he says ‘That’s what I like to hear!”. Yup, no-one wants to hear that you are crook.

Your husband needs to ‘man up’, be grateful for whatever he can (particularly your help), and make himself a list of challenges to work on (particularly not complaining).

I just poured my heart out telling my story (similar—eventually, my husband had two amputations...and previous to those... a kidney transplant).

My entire FULL post was just erased as I pushed the post button wrongly!! 😳🤪🥴

Maybe I will come back later....for now...I will say that I completely understand!!! Lots of good advice has been shared....Talk...set boundaries for your own mental health...and encourage independence!! ( It may take others to do that!!).

❤️

1) Is there a support group in your area for those who have lost limbs?  Try to get hubby to attend and he may not feel so alone.  Others in similar situations may have ideas for him.

2) Does this group have a support group for spouses?  Go - even if hubby will not attend you can still go.  If there is no group or spouse support check for a Caregiver Support group in your area.  Do it for you.

Take time for yourself away from Caregiving.  As others mentioned, go for a walk, join a book club, take up a new hobby. You need to recharge your batteries once in a while.

You must stop doing for him what he can do for himself. It's not your job to keep "his life running as smoothly..." it's his job. He needs to join a support group. Check out the Amputee Coalition. Be honest and loving when you tell him the truth, which is that he needs help accepting the consequences of his diabetes and learning how to do his own ADLs. After one year it's about time that he puts in the work on himself and stops criticizing you.