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Aging alcoholic husband falling, not bathing, working from home and will not stop drinking. I’m worried I need to get him to dr he won’t go. He’s fallen multiple times, has taken to wanting me to serve him food in his basement room where he lives. I try and try to get him help I want to call his doctor and tell him this situation. I can’t go on living with him in this situation. I am 63 he’s 78, I want to sell our 3 story house as it’s a danger zone for him as well as way too big for what we need. How do I find someplace to move with him and make him retire? Thanks.

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You’ve received excellent advice here. But none of us can want a better life for you than you want for yourself. And I really hope you can be courageous and make the changes for your own life. Please get the others out of your home, and soon, no more excuses. And no more providing anything for hubby. When he falls or fails, call 911 and let them handle it. I join others here in hoping you’ll come back and tell us about a new and better life you’ve made
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Hi again Marntson, I know I already posted some advice for you but at that time I did not read your profile.

Like you I also let my 2nd cousin and his grandmother (my Aunt) move in with my Mom and myself and that was a BIG mistake. My Aunt was okay but my 2nd cousin was a very toxic person who emotionally abused me leaving me constantly upset and filled with anxiety.

I even thought of taking my 94 year old Mom and leaving our house but I realized how stupid that would have been (I was not thinking straight). Instead I researched what I could do legally to evict my cousin and I did (even with Covid). I gave (and mailed) him a 30 day notice to vacate and within 10 days he moved out (after smashing my car window).

Like you I wanted to help. My cousin told me stories that caused me to feel sorry for him (I realize now it was all manipulation) and he didn't give a hoot about me, only himself and would say anything to make me feel sorry for him (and it worked up to a certain point).

Ever since he moved out (as well as his grandmother, my Aunt) I feel like 1000 bricks lifted off of me and I can't believe how relaxed I am now. I am no longer walking on eggshells.

At 63 years old (yes, your age), I took control of my life and you can do this as well by getting rid of all the toxic people in your life (start with your friend and son). If you can't "verbally" ask them to leave then write each of them a letter stating you want them to leave. You don't have to give a reason. You don't have to explain yourself.

First things first. After you get rid of your friend and son then you can concentrate on yourself and your husband. If you try to do too much you will get overwhelmed and probably do nothing.

I am sending you virtual hugs and strength,
Jenna
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Marntson,

You need to take the advice you have gotten here. You didn't cause your husband to start drinking and you can't make him stop.

Both my parents were alcoholic. I had other family members and friends died from alcohol related health issues. I couldn't stop any of them. All I could do was save myself and that is what I did.

You need to either kick all these people out or move out. You would be surprise on how much better you will feel when you are away from all this toxic craziest.

Take care of yourself first then you can take care of Dh.

Best of luck to you!
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Well, start by kicking your friend and your son out of your house. YOU are 88 lbs and THEY are contributing mightily to your failure to thrive. Stop enabling everyone who's living with you to do as they please when their addictive behaviors are killing YOU! I think that once you get rid of your son, his friends, your friend & her herd of animals, then you may be able to see the forest through the trees a bit more clearly. You must be feeling overwhelmed right now, and putting yourself at the bottom of the list of important people, for some reason. Your son is an adult, and it's time he stand on his own two feet and hang out elsewhere with his bedlam-wreaking friends. Same goes for your untidy friend, along with her 2 dogs and cats! All of these people are taking advantage of your kindness and putting you at a huge disadvantage. What happens when YOU get sick and have to be hospitalized? Who then takes care of this motley crew?

Stop buying your DH booze of all kinds, immediately. Stop bringing him food or doing anything for him at all. If he wants food, he comes up the stairs and sits at the table like a civilized human being. If not, then he will suffer the consequences and you will call 911 when he passes out from dehydration or lack of nutrition. At that point, DH will be admitted to the hospital for evaluation and likely sent off to rehab to detox. This leaves YOU to be free and clear of all the chaos your family & friends have caused you.

It's time to do what you have to do now, before it's too late and YOU are in the hospital! Your Dh has already made his bed...........his poor decisions have led him to a place of ill health which is irreversible. It's too late for him but not for YOU. You are my age and at 63, there's A LOT OF LIFE LEFT in you!!!

Please give the son and the friend 30 days notice that they have to move out, lock stock and barrel. Then you can focus on what to stop doing for DH and how to call 911 the very moment he falls again or starts acting up or behaving oddly. The moment he's whisked off, get the house ready to sell and make plans for the next phase of your life.

It's time. Wishing you the best of luck taking YOUR life back, my friend. You deserve to.
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Marntson Jun 2020
Wow! Reading your reply was like hearing my psychiatrist talking to me, multiple times over 16 years! I am weak in the fact I can’t confront. I can never keep my foot in place when I decide I’ve had enough. I invited my friend here out of sympathy to help her get on her feet which she hasn’t even tried to go work at a salon which she has a valid license for. I am going to take your advice as far as my husband and his “service “ requirements. He gets upstairs only when he’s sober enough to drive to get more alcohol.
surprisingly he was clean of alcohol for 4 days when his 100 yo mother died late May. Went to funeral, slept the rest of the trip. I have to reread all you stated about my “friend” and getting her out with her animals. Thanks you for taking your time to read my note and thanks for the advice I will keep you updated as to my progress.
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Just read your profile. I think the easiest thing you could do was move out. Let your son and husband live together. Your friend needs to find a place of her own as soon as things open up.

I think, like a friend of mine, you are TOO goodhearted. You have put too much on your plate. I also, and I can sympathize because I have been there, have a hard time setting boundries. Maybe time to see a lawyer and see what your entitled to if you divorce. Going to Al-Anon may help with your husband and son.
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He is an alcoholic. Nothing you can do will make him stop drinking.
Next time he falls call 911
Stop bringing him drinks/alcohol. Serve dinner at the dinner table, not in the basement, or living room.
If you are buying the alcohol you are enabling him and making your situation worse, or at least not better.
If at anytime you feel you are in danger you need to protect yourself. Leave the house, call 911.
I also suggest that you give your son an exit date. He is probably not helping the situation at all. If you think that he or his friends are a danger to you you can seek an order of protection. And again any time you feel that your are in danger..911
Are any of your other children a "safe haven" for you? If so you might want to consider that.
Talk to a lawyer to determine how you should proceed your health is in jeopardy. (I am not talking now about safety but your actual health.)
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Hi Marntson,

As a recovering alcoholic for 35 years I will be blunt. There is nothing you can do for your husband, only for yourself. If you really want to help your husband you must help yourself first and the first step is getting yourself to an Al-Anon meeting (family of alcoholics).

The co-dependency and enabling has to stop if you are truly want a better life for yourself (yes, you!)...

There are no excuses for your husband, let him fall just the way I fell when I drank. I crashed my car into trees almost killing myself several times but somehow I'm still here to talk about it. A person that drinks must reach rock bottom before they want to help themselves (and sometimes even rock bottom isn't low enough).

Again, you can do nothing for your husband except go to an Al-Anon meeting.

Best to you,
Jenna
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Tothill Jun 2020
JennaRose,

Thank you for being frank and explaining the situation clearly.
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Marntson, your concern for him is certainly understandable, but it sounds like it may have tipped into enabling and co-dependance on your part. As BarbBrooklyn wisely observed, you can't change anyone but yourself. You can't have your husband's recovery for him. It may be helpful for you to talk to a counselor or attend an AA meeting to get clarity and objective perspective (and support) on your situation. Your husband WILL be upset/angry if you try to stop enabling his addiction, so just expect this and don't let it stop you. He's counting on bullying you into continuing his alcoholism. Your own future is in this mix. Stop providing his alcohol. Stop allowing him to live in his fantasy world in the basement by serving him and expecting nothing in return from him, meaning he's not considering you AT ALL. I wish you all the best and much peace in your heart as you work through the tough stuff to a better life, hopefully together!
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Marnston, the sad truth is that the only thing you can make a change in is your own behavior.

It sounds as though you have trouble saying "no" to people.

How is husband getting alcohol if he can't get up the basement stairs?
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