How do I live with myself?

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Here's the thing. I have been living in a symbiotic relationship with a lady for 15 years. She is 80 retired farmer and I (65) have been using her farm in exchange for Mr fix-it, security, companionship, and paid some expenses. We were intimate for a short while, but not for 10 years now,- now just companions.I live in an outside room. She is getting harder to live with as age creeps up.- Deafness, short/no attention span,negativity.etc. And I am lonely. I am craving an intimate soul-partner. I had a lovely lady for a short while, and boy was the "companion" peed -off.! My lady stuck it out for 2 years and then was not prepared to continue our "long-distance-relationship". If I were to speak to my companion of my loneliness, she would be massively hurt, but would tell me to go with a kind of " I knew/have been waiting for this to happen" , "poor me", resignation. Not only would that give me a huge guilt trip, but I don't know whether I could live with myself, having had the use of her farm for all these years and now wanting to bail-out at the first signs of difficulty.My friends tell me I don't owe her anything, but I can't simply throw away 15 years of friendship and hardships on the farm together. And if I were to leave, she would have to sell-up the farm and move into "Shady Pines" and wait to die. She is no longer capable of handling all that for herself so I'd have to do it, all the while wondering if someone will do the same to me when I get frustrating to live around. Thoughts from the forumites please. !

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That is a complex issue as to what to do. You had a *friends with benefits* type of relationship with this woman, and it sounds like she believed the relationship was more than that.... otherwise she wouldn't had become so jealous when you found a new lady to direct your attention.... and when you have discussions about you being lonely, she feels so very rejected and she will blame her age. This is the Mars vs Vensus thinking.

Does this retired lady have a family? Any children? Siblings? If yes, could you have conversations with them about her condition, and that you are worried for her future care. Let them know you plan to move on, but you want to make sure she will be safe first.
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Over the years you've done maintenance, provided companionship, and chipped in financially. It's not like you've been living off this lady all this time.

You have to be true to yourself. If you want to go you need to go. You can't sacrifice your life so she doesn't end up in a nursing home. If you're the only thing keeping her from being in a nursing home then she'll get to the point where she'll need to be in a nursing home anyway and you will have wasted your life out of a sense of misplaced duty to her.

Based on what you wrote it sounds like you're not prepared to leave right now so if you stay that's your responsibility, it's on you. You have made a choice and have chosen to stay in a situation where you are unhappy and lonely, just to spare your companion her feelings. What about your feelings?
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