How do I know if the cause of this is stress or aging?

As a cargiver for my 89yo mother, and a cognitive neuroscientist, I'd say you should not guess about memory and cognitive changes.

Get a good geriatric specialist as your primary care physician who can support your aging process by predicting and addressing the physical, cognitive, and emotional changes that happen with normal aging and age-related illness. If there are indications of cognitive decline, your physician may do bloodwork to check your overall health, recommend vitamins, or prescribe a medication which helps preserve memory.

Along with physical health, I encourage you to maintain social connections, create or continue physical exercise routines, eat healthy foods, and proactively seek new activities that challenge your mind to learn and grow.

I understand you are currently living in a stressful situation. Others have offered good suggestions for working thru those challenges. I encourage you to think outside to box with solutions and work within your family network for support.

Best of luck to you.

I think your daughter is the stressed one, and that is causing you stress.

Moira..........you are doing the best you can and to me you sound like a very lovely woman. I wish your daughter could take a step back and realize this and realize that you are not going to be around forever.
Take Care and God Bless You.
P.S. I'm on your side!

Is the add on area yours exclusively? Maybe you could rig up a mini-kitchen of your own...Little fridge, hot plate, toaster, microwave. Kids in dorms do that all the time.That way if there's a mess in the main kitchen, it's theirs, not yours. Of course, you need to clean up and tend to things on your end. My sister's MIL lived in an add on room and had a mini kitchen. It worked well. Your daughter is probably stressed and even angry and small things add up. The more you are out of the way, so to speak, the better. Try to get out and make a life away from the house if you are able...a group or class or something. Take walks if you are able. Good luck!!!

Location location, location.. the closer to a family member, the better, especially for them if something happens to you.
If you are thinking about moving out, trying finding a senior independent living with extended care options..
these factors came in real handy with a friend. moved the parents into a spot 10 minutes away. since she retired, sneior health issues are coming up, and doctor appoinments are loading up... She is glad they are only 10 minutes away instead of 30 minutes away.
Plus, she brings them to her home for fun things, dinner, baking, etc... happy hour... it's better now...
I

perhaps son in law is having issues with another person in the home...
maybe your daughter is just the "parrot " of her hubby.. he is the one having issues.... perhaps. 'Parrot'

Moira,
A year of Covid stressors and isolation...
I would be worried if you did not have any issues at this point.

Look at what your daughter's symptoms are...she doesn't even know how angry she is coming across to others.

There is a cute sign above my kitchen sink:
"BED & BREAKFAST
You make both."

This year, I learned that people are not going to do things my way, and often will not do anything at all. But I shouldn't be criticizing them for it. Your daughter needs to lighten up, and understand that people do not exist to serve her, or do things her way.

I know the discomfort of living in someone else's home, using their kitchen for a time. There are homes that the toaster is left out all the time!

Make yourself scarce. Keep a small refrigerator in your room, eat cold if you must, and adjust your time in her kitchen to in between times when they are not having breakfast. Maybe there is a safety toaster that you could have in your room? I think there is an electric egg cooker that goes off automatically. Then take your dishes into the house later. Just some ideas to change things up a bit.
Be sure to get out of the house and your in-law suite daily, a 10 minute walk is great.

Picture this: Her husband is eating a Pop Tart for breakfast.

I wonder if your daughter is upset that you bailed out your son and then moved in with her? Even if she was all for your moving in when you did, it takes time to become accustomed to having someone else in your home. Does your son visit?

You don’t sound like a forgetful person to me but perhaps one day you will be. You are human.
It sounds like your daughter could use an extra hug. That could be a flower, a bottle of lotion. a favorite magazine. Perhaps place a photo of her that makes you smile where you can see it often. She truly may not realize how hurtful she’s being. But that doesn’t mean it’s not painful for you. I’m sorry.
The Area Agency on Aging in your county can tell you about services that are available to you. When things get better, you might like going there for lunch or to play games. Take SIL with you if you find the food tasty. Daughter will like that you got him out from underfoot. AAA are different in every area. Some nicer than others. Look for a place where you can walk. If there is a local library or perhaps a book store, you might find kindred spirits around. Also the neighborhood app for your phone is a good way to know what is going on in your area.
Your family is going through a big adjustment. Your Sundays sound nice.

Moira - Living with adult children is very difficult. Different personalities, being nitpicking or easy going, being a neat freak or a slop, personal space, privacy, styles, tastes, etc.

Or just the fact that your daughter doesn't want to have you living with her. Not that she doesn't love you, it's living with you 24/7 that she doesn't like. Too much togetherness will drive anyone crazy. I know your daughter loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have you live with her.

I like my MIL a lot, she's a very nice person, very generous and caring, but she and I won't like having another woman (any woman) sharing the same house. Maybe that's how your daughter is.

Perhaps, you should ask her directly and calmly if she doesn't like having her mother living in the same house. Ask her to be honest.

Depending on her answer, then we can give suggestions on what you should do next.

p.s. I don't think it's aging. It's the stress of walking on eggshells day after day that causes forgetfulness, and probably high blood pressure, and eventually a host of other illnesses, too.

Based on your added comments, sounds to me like your daughter is stressed out and very angry, leading YOU to walk around on eggshells all the time, asking for permission to breathe. Out of place and feeling like an outsider in your daughter's home. That leads you to feeling stressed out all the time and not able to pay close attention to what you're doing for fear of making a mistake and getting criticized for it.

Put the toaster away hot, no, leave it out and let it cool off first.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Your daughter doesn't even want to chat.

My mother's mother lived in our home, much to my mother's chagrin. Grandma always asked her why she was so mad. "I'm not MAD. Only DOGS get mad," was my mother's continual response. Oh yes, she was full of pure rage all the time, that's for sure. She was resentful about having her mother living in her house, just wouldn't admit it. We all suffered as a result of mother "not being mad."

You sold your house to help your son, are now living with your daughter and can't afford your own place or to help her fix up HER place. Yeah, she's pissed off and resentful. You are likely feeling that and not "cognitive impairment".

If I were you, I'd ask my son to give me the money back that you loaned him by mistakenly selling your house and leaving yourself without funds. Then find your own place to live where you can leave the toaster on the counter 24/7 if you like. If you are STILL leaving the stove on or the faucet running after a few months of stress free life, then go to your doctor for a chat.

I could be totally wrong about all of this, and if so, I apologize. I just recognize so many similarities between what you're going thru and what I saw my mother and grandmother going thru, that I'm sharing my thoughts. I wish my gram had gotten OUT of mom's house 20 years before she did, for ALL of our sakes.

Good luck and Godspeed my friend.

I think it sounds like over a whole year you've only had a few moments of forgetfulness that we all would have. It's hard not to be critical on yourself when others are, I hope things get better.

Sounds like stress, you are so worried about making a mistake it becomes distracting.

As to aging, I am 66 and have left the gas burners on so often that I put a dab of red nail polish on the off side of the knob so I can check at a glance they are all off!

Have you checked out apartments for low-income Seniors? Your rent is based on income and the balance is a government subsidized.

And last, you can’t change your daughter's actions, you can only change your reaction to her. Sounds like she is taking out her stress on you, you can either stand up and confront her or let her continue to bully you.

Imho, any human being has had at least one episode of forgetfulness. However, you may want to be careful about not leaving your stove top on again.

So a few things, I lose things on a regular basis. I shove keys, credit cards, money, etc in my bra, right side. Once, I did the left, completely freaked out, calling stores looking for keys but took a shower and it all fell out. Things happen, I would not worry.

So, one comment stood out in a response:

"I do other things I see needing doing after asking her is that is ok. Her dining rooms table base and chairs were full of dust (from the work on my area). I sat on the floor and cleaned the chairs (have osteoporosis, hip and spine issues do don't bend)."

So, I personally get drove nuts by a toaster on the counter. I cant deal with it. I also believe that people who make a bed are totally insane. So, the base of a table? You see that it needs to be done....did she feel the same or was she humoring you for making her feel inadequate? Maybe you could not point out what you feel needs to be done and just do it.

Forgetting something happens to someone at any age. Your daughter has been living with a couple of pigs before you even arrived on the scene so she is used to jumping on them to clean up their mess. . .now you're included in her words.

Make it a practice to go back to the kitchen to see what you may have left out. You might also round up the things you take out and keep in one section of the counter. Fix your plate, then put it all away before others come in behind you using the same things. Clearly, the other two guys expect to use the things and then think you'll take care of putting it all away. As you leave kitchen to eat, all your things are back in their place. If they come out later on, the slobs left it.

I do have to ask, did you use your own money to build the add on room to the house? If you did, talk w/daughter privately and let her know the the things you've been doing and her slobs are creating the mess that she sees when she enters the room. You paid to help add on the room and may need to be reimbursed so you can move on if she's not happy with you being there. If you didn't pay anything to add on the room - check to see if there are any government apartments nearby, based on income, that you could move to.

The other day  I went to work and someone had left all facility keys in the front door overnight. These people are all  mid age but to change all the lock would have been very expensive if someone had taken the set. We all forget things at any age sounds like your daughter may be stressed and she in triggering your stress level

Hello. Ive thought of something else ...

is there an office on aging or a senior help group in your city or a nearby city that could direct you someplace for help and suggestions ?

i have absolutely no idea about whats needed for medicaid or if it even could assist you but ???

Since it has been about a year, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your daughter, planned in advance. Sit down together where it's private and be honest with each other. Try to deal with both facts and feelings without emotional accusations. Talk about what's working and what is not. Ask her what you can do differently to please her. Tell her how the criticism affects you. How she reacts will be a good barometer of how this next year might be.

Do you have any friends in the area? If so, maybe two or three of you could agree to share an apartment, split the costs, and become "Golden Girls." Living in a small community like that would give you companionship and each of you could look after the others.

Hello :) is there any way that you could afford an assisted living facility ? Im guessing not but it may be something you could look into.

im 80. My husband is 73. We both have long term insurance that i try not to freak out over either being closed down or i cant afford it any longer. So im looking for a job next month hoping the weather gets better with no problems driving to work.

he will not go to any facility as long as there is any way he can possibly live ... good or bad ... on his own ... so ???

im ready to go have my room cleaned and my food fixed and my laundry done as soon as i can no longer do it and enjoy that as long as im aware.

the only thing we agree on is making our own decisions.

and thats what im getting at ... patient rights ... making our own decisions as long as we’re mentally capable and people who are not judging us when we have difficulty.

i hope conditions are good and we ? are given good care and dont have to worry about your concerns ... no worrying about someone looking at us suspiciously or asking permission or feeling that are just being there is a burden.

i am so sorry about your situation and wish i had a better suggestion.

I thought about your question - forgetting things is normal, my husband and I do it and we are in our 50’s lol.

just another perspective... Your daughter in law sounds stressed. I would not take it personally. I have 3 men in my house who never ever put anything away. It feels like half my day is spent picking up behind them 😂. I have just learned to live with it at this point.

If you want to live there, and are able, maybe you could ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Or just do things that you see that would help her. Working together may make you all feel more like family, and less like a full time guest.

so it sounds like you share the kitchen area. I am sure your daughter knows that her hubby is the "lacking" one when it comes to putting stuff away and is making general statements. it does get frustrating when someone has to constantly pick up after someone else. it is probably how he was raised. It could be stress and you worrying that you will be criticized about something that maybe you didn't do or whatever. I am not sure how old you are and what your finances are but could you get a small place of your own in a senior living place. you would be around others your age and i am sure the kitchen area is taken care of by an employee. (or maybe not)..........but might be less stress. wishing you luck.

Your small "forgettings" are probably normal. As we get older, we are more easily distracted and might leave the burner on or misplace our car keys or forget why we went into another room. Some people call it "adult onset ADD." LAnn123's forgetting husband may demonstrating ADD tendencies The forgettings you describe sound exactly like your attention got diverted and you forgot to go back and finish the task.
If we can re-create what we were doing and can recall why we went to another room or where we left our keys, we are likely still "normal.".
If your behaviors seem vastly inconsistent with your own pattern, or if you find your keys and do not know what keys are used for, you might be a little more concerned.
Try to stay focused on one task at a time. We get better and better at "monotasking" with age.

I’m sorry for the stress you feel living with family. But, my husband has left burners on and faucets running frequently since his 40s. He used to come home for lunch and make himself a grilled cheese. Then go back to work. I’d come home at 5 to a smoking hot cast iron pan. Now he’s home all the time so I can catch it earlier. He doesn’t have any memory issues that I know of-he just lives in his head & doesn’t pay attention. I got up just a few days ago and found he hadn’t turned off the kitchen faucet all the way. Water was running for at least half an hour.
Stress can definitely have the same effect, from my own experience. I get distracted and forget to do things.

I think the fact that you are asking is a good sign. It means you are in a position to put prompts in place. Most people start with making lists and checking them off as you go. It can be really simple and straight forward but takes away the anxiety. Write a recipe and include 'turn off burner' as the last item. That kind of thing.
Stress exacerbates memory issues, so it might be a bit of both. I would ask your daughter for a chat at a time that suits her - tell her how you are feeling. Often people surprise us. It might also help her re focus and take her mind off her own frustrations a little.

I’m not even 50 and yesterday I went to get the leftovers out of the fridge and they were on the counter from the night before. I had them in my hand to put them in the fridge but I don’t even remember putting them back down on the counter...but there they were sitting on some avocados in all places 😆 . I had to laugh at myself

Seems your "forgetfulness" is similar to that of everybody at every age. You're fine. Please do not fret over this.

I am concerned about your living arrangements. Seems you are the "cat that gets kicked." You may have heard the story about the man frustrated at work who yells at his wife, the wife yells at their child, and the child kicks the cat. Each person is taking out his or her stress on another. AND, that is not healthy. Since there is constant criticism, consider if living in this situation is worthwhile in the long run. I have a few suggestions to consider:

1 - Talk to your daughter about your concerns. Let her know that you do not want to be a source of stress to her. Let her know that you feel stressed and would like to work with her to lessen the pressure.

2 - Tell your doctor that you are under stress in your living situation. Ask for a referral to a counsellor for individual and family counselling. Make sure that your daughter participates with you.

3 - Sometimes, "cabin fever" is to blame for increased stress and tension in relationships. Find ways to make your "apartment life" a little more independent from the rest of the family's life. Develop friendships and activities that do not require your family's input. When able, try to get outside for fresh air and sunshine and activities away from home. Encourage the rest of the family to do something similar - within CDC guidelines for COVID in your area.

3 - If #1, #2, and #3 do not work, consider if it is time to make other living arrangements. Start researching assisted living, senior apartments, and/or full time residences. When you have found places that you can afford, talk to your family about moving and help in making these plans a reality.

Everyone forgets things and with age it happens more often but I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Consider adding a table in your room and having your own toaster, microwave and a small refrigerator put in your room.

All families have good and bad days. I'm sure her husband isn't doing anything new and probably has always not picked up after himself.

And you being a mom knows that kids can be trying at times.

It's hard enough to deal with family and having another person around can make things a little more edgy as even tho your her mom, it's still her having Company 24 7.

If things get too stressful, you can always see about moving into a Senior place.

If you have the energy, you might ask her to make a list of things you could help her with to ease her work.

And by all means, Don't talk bad about her husband or your Grand kid. Only he is allowed to do it.

Is there any place you could go for a weekend once in a while so both you and the family can have some Alone Time?

Prayers

I would confront your daughter and ask her point blank if there’s anything you’ve done to offend her because you feel that she’s unhappy/critical of your presence.

This will open up dialogue.

If possible you may be happier in an independent living arrangement. Or if you’re able a small place of your own.

I know of a friend who went to stay with her daughter-in-law and son during the virus outbreak. My friend said that many days the DIL would find things to do to be gone all day. My friend told me she would rather go home, risk getting covid than to be unwanted in another woman’s house.

Hope you get some answers and make some decisions.

My first thought is if you can clearly recall what you did and what others did you do not have to worry about a memory lapse being caused by aging but by stress. I think a lot of us leave a burner on once in a while. And leaving a faucet on once is not the end of the end of the world, I am sure something took you away from the faucet a phone call, the someone calling you away any number of things.
If I were you I would start looking for...
Assisted or Independent Living facility (whatever one would suit you better)
or
Look for Senior Housing in an apartment or condo complex if not a small house whatever is more affordable for you and would fit your lifestyle.

Are you sure you really want to live with them? I love my sons AND their wives DEARLY, but I’d NEVER want to live with them. NEVER!

If and when I need a supportive setting, I WANT it to be in an Assisted Living. I’ve TOLD them all that. If my very dear husband is failing when I am, I’ll hope that both of us are able to go.

If you’re able to pull together the funds to do it, LEAVE. You’re entitled to pleasant criticism free surroundings. If you can’t do that financially, figure out what you need to set yourself up with a kitchenette (small microwave oven, one cooking burner, mini refrigerator, toaster) and set YOUR cleanup rules and times for yourself.

If you and your “host and hostess” can find a truce that can function among 3 ADULTS, feel free to do that. Just make your decisions based on your desire to live a comfortable self managed life. You’re worth it!