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My 86 y/o father lives alone. His wife has been in a nursing home for about 18 months. I am my father's POA, and the first one he calls for anything. I am active in all matters he is involved in. I live about ten minutes from him, visit a couple of times a week and talk via phone every other day......but, he has so much time alone, and so much time to think about way too many things.


We listed my father's house for sale about 6 weeks ago (he lives in a prime location with lake access). We found him an apartment in town that will be much better for him. He will move April 1, regardless of if the house sells or not. He is still driving, but, needs to be in town for when he stops driving. He is not rich, but, he is comfortable financially.


He is all of a sudden stressing over EVERYTHING! Examples: overly stressed because the realtor left his lights on after a showing......stressing if his house doesn't sell by the time he has to move that he can't afford two places (his house is paid off, propane tank is full, only expense will be electric - being its location, it will sell)......stressing because the neighbors leaves are in his lawn.....stressing because his tax returns weren't done in two days......I could go on and on.


During one phone call, he brought up the subject of the realtor leaving the lights on.......he said it four times in one call. I told him I would tell her not to do that again, and he kept on saying it - I became frustrated and raised my voice to him that "I will tell her". I felt really bad about raising my voice to him, but, he is making me so frustrated!!! I find I am losing my patience with him more and more.


To try to help him, during one of my visits, I told him to not stress over things he cannot control, but to try to focus on what he will do after he moves. I printed out all kinds of senior citizen activities going on near where he will be moving. I told him to focus on that. It didn't work.


How do I help him to eliminate his stress? When I stopped over to see him, he looked like he had aged so much in just one week. I'm concerned. He never was a worrier, until just a couple of months ago. He told me that during a doctor visit, the doctor asked him if he was suicidal !! He is not, but, his conversation concerned the doctor too. :-(


Anyone else experience anything else like this? Any advice that would help me, to help him, would be appreciated.


Thank you.

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jujubee2222, when it comes to selling one's home, it is a major stressor no matter the age of the owner.

Lights being left is going to happen, it's all part of selling the house. In fact, whenever your Dad knows that Buyers are coming with their Agent, it is best for your Dad to leave lights on to brighten up the house. The house shows better. That should stop Dad from worrying about an Agent leaving lights on. Let Dad know that the Realtor will not turn off the lights. This is your Dad's "job".

It's very normal to stress about the home selling before he moves. If he still has a mortgage, it's just the thought of paying a mortgage payment plus paying the apartment rent. And I bet, your Dad depended on his wife to help with the worry.

Try to keep your Dad busy with downsizing the "stuff" in his home. I remember trying to get my Dad to go through all of his books to see what he wanted to keep and what to toss/donate. The standing joke was he did downsize his books from 200 down to 199 :P Yep, we moved all those bookcases and books to his senior facility. Those books were his "cocoon" .

Therefore, let Dad fret about things. At 86 he has earned the right to worry about things. And don't forget, our parent(s) still see us as teenagers, and what do we know :P
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His life is being turned upside down right now. Losing his wife and now having to move. He is way outside his old comfort zone. I would expect things wont change until he is moved and has other things like a new apartment to occupy his time. Sorry you both are going through this. If nothing else, speak with the doctor about a anxiety remedy of some kind. A mild sedative? Good luck to you.
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Jujubee2222, I know how you feel. My grandmother is the same way, but hers is dementia-induced anxiety. Her doctor put her on anti-anxiety meds, which do help a lot. Anti-anxiety medication might be something to consider with your dad, but the thing is the medication only works if he takes it as prescribed. If he lives alone, there is still no gaurauntee that he would take it (or he may forget to take it, might not feel like taking it that day, etc).

Another thing to consider is possibly getting a home health aide who is trained to deal with anxiety.

Hope these suggestions help.
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Yes, realtors will leave the lights on and the door unlocked. Buyers will want to look out the kitchen door and forget to lock it back. If you didn’t put it on the contract, contact the listing agent and request they attend every showing. I’m imagining your anxious dad driving from his new apartment to the lake house to check on the house. I’m glad you are confident of a quick sale. Perhaps you can think of other ways to make your dad more comfortable with the idea of leaving the home alone? Perhaps a neighbor could check the house for him after each showing? I would do everything I could think of to help him though this stressful transition and warn him that he is vulnerable right now to accidents and to work with you to stay calm. You might even try to explain to him that a couple of lights on wouldn’t be a bad idea for an empty home.
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PowerOf3 Mar 2020
In California a realtor showing a home has a responsibility to lock up, keep buyers children from wandering and make sure personal property isn’t invaded ( dressers, nightstands etc). It’s never ok to leave a listed property unlocked, it’s dangerous and there is liability. The listing agent gets a “hot-list” of all agents who show the property but tracking our key fob and typically each agent leaves their card on the counter. Not to harp but I disagree... and in my state it is unlawful as well as a buyers agent having a fiduciary responsibility to secure the property. Buyers don’t have access to lock boxes ever, and are escorted for this very reason.
i apologize but if an agent left my home unlocked I would contact Bureau of Real Estate to file a complaint! But maybe we take things more seriously and I’m not sure what state this person lives in?
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Has has he been checked for early onset dementia?
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I agree with the reason he is so stressed, more than usual, is: change is hard at any age, especially for the elderly! And moving (you don’t say how long he’s been in his current home) is in the top 5 all time stressors. Like anyone, once we are in that stress place, every little thing adds to that overall stress. Since he will be moving soon, by April 1st, borrow my mantra under stress, “this to shall pass, this too shall pass....”. And it will. Please be patient and understanding, as best you can, and treat yourself to whatever might soothe you when You are stressed.
Good luck, and hugs to you, you are doing a great job in a tough situation!
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While I agree that he is stressed about the move and stressed about his wife I also think being alone increases this.
Can he get involved with volunteering somewhere?
Is there an active Senior group where he lives, or in town where he will be moving?
You printed out a list of senior activities but did you suggest going with him once? Everyone, a child going to school on the first day, starting a job, we are all nervous when starting something new, maybe he is nervous about meeting a new group of people.
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KellyandGlenn Mar 2020
Great insight. Focus on increased socialization.
Also, what if you repeat "who's job is it to worry these days?"
Not Father's anymore-he's taken care of you and now you and others will take your turn caring for him. Not foolproof but I have used it with clients with some positive outcome.
Also-consult with Physician, perhaps there are underling issues and/or symptoms that can be managed (shorterm?) with medication.
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An anti anxiety medicine may be the key to get him over this worrying that sounds like it is becoming overwhelming for him. Once he has moved and settled into his new home, made some friends and can keep busy it can be withdrawn or only used sporadically as he feels he needs the relief from anxiety.
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How long has your father lived in his current home, the one he's about to move from?
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An apartment may not be the best choice for him. Did you considered an independent living facility where he would be able to take part in activities or just visit with Other residents? In an apartment he’ll still be alone with too much time on his hands and no one to relate to except you.
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He's been through a lot and is likely very overwhelmed with these major changes. Also, when someone is scared and anxious, telling them to not be scared and anxious generally doesn't work. It might be more helpful to create different strategies to distract him, like take him out for breakfast or dinner, invite him over for a visit, go with him to church or some other activity that he enjoys, etc. That might also provide you the chance to see how he's doing cognitively. If he's repeating things a lot, it could be that he's obsessing, but, it could also be that he's forgetting that he already told you. Sometimes, people mistake forgetting for insistence. I might even spend a day and night with him to see just how well he's doing in the home alone, because, if he moves to a new place, if he's struggling, it's only going to get worse.

And, if he's suffering anxiety, the doctor might prescribe meds for that.
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In retrospect, my mother's increased anxiety about things she didn't need to worry about (storms in distant places, a neighbor's home sale) was a symptom and a change in mental status. Anti-anxiety meds were prescribed by her doctor but she didn't take them regularly and they weren't effective.

We ended up moving her to an Independent Living facility; the geriatrician and geriatric psychiatrist there were able to see (new eyes on the situation) that there was something very wrong. To make a long story short, mom had had a stroke and neurocognitive testing showed that she had the reasoning skills of an 8 year old.

I would follow up with his regular doctor and get some further examination of these symptoms.
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It took our whole family 3 YEARS to get my parents' home cleaned and ready for sale--and for them to move in with my YB. As the move date approached, Mother's anxiety levels were through the roof.

The worst day being the 'yard sale day' when we had so many small items to sell and the remaining items being hauled to Goodwill.

Mother stressed over muffin tins, pans that had practically worn through the bottom--and there was the fact the temps that day topped 100 degrees, so all the candles melted--just an unholy mess.

In the end, I think the sale netted them less than $500. I would have HAPPILY given her that to not to have dealt with setting up the sale, running it and then having my sweet Sons In Law haul everything leftover to GW.

Moving from a 4000sf home to an 800 sf apt and wanting to keep literally EVERYTHING was awful. Dad was sick enough to no longer care. Mother felt her life being ripped out of her hands.

We did foresee this exact dynamic and had her dr. prescribe a sedative and we just kept her kind of doped up all that day---and during the whole move. The day we moved them to the new place, we took all the furniture out first and set up the apt and did most of the 'organizing', leaving Mom little to fuss about.

That night, however, she started having chest pains so I ran her to the ER. She was just super upset. The ER doc kindly gave her a shot of something and she was completely out of it for the next 24 hrs. She stayed on the sedatives for a long time. Her 'dream home' had basically been torn out of her hands--(poor planning was really the cause, and a OB who stole mom & dad blind)….

Daddy was about 80% bedbound by then and the move didn't really upset him. It took mother a long time to acclimate. She's been there 22 years and I guess she is as happy as she's going to be. Eventually, the anxiety passed and acceptance took over.
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Anti anxiety drugs will work. I doubt talking to him will help stop him stressing.
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I feel a strong kinship to you. Dad’s repetition of same worries seem to indicate a need for possible dementia check. They have my mother on increasing dosage of Ativan, but I can’t say it’s successful. I want you to consider moving him to Assisted Living or at the least, Independent Living. Then he will have some socializing. That helped my mom for a couple years. Those incessant questions and worries. It’s so frustrating. You want to help them so much, but they can’t seem to stop. Mostly I handle it ok, but I also have spoken sharply to my parent and felt terrible. Try the side-stepping techniques. Distract him to talk about something else. I’ve had some success over the phone with getting her to stand up and move and do a “task.” Best wishes.
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It’s quite possible that the excessive worrying is part of Alzheimer’s or dementia. My mom became extremely worried about everything her last year. She and my dad lived out of state and put on a good front over the phone. My brother and I thought they were ok. I sp
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My dad is 94 and lost his wife two years ago. He lives in an independent living apartment. He is just like your dad. He worries and worries and worries and worries. We tried to get him on antidepressants but that didn’t really help and he didn’t like taking them. I would be interested to find out what other people have suggested because I am virtually you. I help my dad in a number of ways and I talk to him often and see him often and it’s never enough. I lose my patience with him and my temper. I think maybe it would be helpful if we pulled back a bit and let our fathers figure out things on their own. And that is my next strategy anyway. Good luck!
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My friend Richard, who I take care of, does this too. I think it may be part of the aging process, along with concern over control issues. My own psychologist told me that one of the hardest things for elder people to get through is moving, because their physical surroundings are part of their tactile memory, they have habits and memories that help keep them on routine, when they move, especially at advanced age, it all feels confusing, the bathroom is no longer ten steps down the hall and to the right, the sink is no longer on the left as they enter the kitchen, etc. See if there is any kind of home maker or visitor program in your location, through the city or state, or even churches. Companionship helps.
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He is facing a lot of changes over a very short period of time. Everything probably seems out of his control - and that is scaring him a lot. Maybe have him focus on what is not changing and what is going well will help.
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These are some major changes for him. Of course he is going to get upset/agitated. I'm sorry that this is happening, but reassure him as best you can - even if it is 4 times. Prayers sent to you.
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Can he move in with you temporarily? It seems to me that the sale of his house is giving him stress and he needs to be comforted by having people he loves and love him around him.

As others have said moving is very stressful all by itself and for some reason I think it's even more stressful for the elderly.
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My dad is a world class worrier. It’s definitely not a new behavior, he’s always been this way, but with age and being alone so much it’s increased. Too much time to think! He’ll call me to tell me all kinds of random things he’s worrying over. I just try to listen and reminded him of the waste that worry is. His doctor did put him on Zoloft and while not a cure, it’s been a help
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You can't get him to stop worrying. My FIL is a grand champion of worrying. He will call my husband asking "Did you call me?" or worry about what to wear to a family BBQ "Shorts? Pants?? What are you wearing???"

In the beginning, my husband listened to all the worries. The more he listened, the more his dad unloaded all his worries onto my husband. Finally, my husband realized that his dad was out of control and listening was not helping him but rather just encouraging him. Now, my husband answers his dad's calls and, if it's not an emergency or serious question, he cuts the call short. It's sad that that's what's necessary but his dad was driving both of us crazy.
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Yes, I'm finding that my dad's dementia is probably Alzheimer's now. He remembers things in the past and starts crying. I tell him not cry that it only causes stress and he can get sick. I've also told him that it stresses me and my sisters out as well and we could get sick. It is so damn hard to get them to see things in a different light, almost impossible. He has a CD that he just loves and it seems to calm him so I play it to get his mind off of other things. That is the only thing I can suggest short of getting a pair of ear plugs which I am very tempted to do. God bless you!
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