My 86 y/o father lives alone. His wife has been in a nursing home for about 18 months. I am my father's POA, and the first one he calls for anything. I am active in all matters he is involved in. I live about ten minutes from him, visit a couple of times a week and talk via phone every other day......but, he has so much time alone, and so much time to think about way too many things.
We listed my father's house for sale about 6 weeks ago (he lives in a prime location with lake access). We found him an apartment in town that will be much better for him. He will move April 1, regardless of if the house sells or not. He is still driving, but, needs to be in town for when he stops driving. He is not rich, but, he is comfortable financially.
He is all of a sudden stressing over EVERYTHING! Examples: overly stressed because the realtor left his lights on after a showing......stressing if his house doesn't sell by the time he has to move that he can't afford two places (his house is paid off, propane tank is full, only expense will be electric - being its location, it will sell)......stressing because the neighbors leaves are in his lawn.....stressing because his tax returns weren't done in two days......I could go on and on.
During one phone call, he brought up the subject of the realtor leaving the lights on.......he said it four times in one call. I told him I would tell her not to do that again, and he kept on saying it - I became frustrated and raised my voice to him that "I will tell her". I felt really bad about raising my voice to him, but, he is making me so frustrated!!! I find I am losing my patience with him more and more.
To try to help him, during one of my visits, I told him to not stress over things he cannot control, but to try to focus on what he will do after he moves. I printed out all kinds of senior citizen activities going on near where he will be moving. I told him to focus on that. It didn't work.
How do I help him to eliminate his stress? When I stopped over to see him, he looked like he had aged so much in just one week. I'm concerned. He never was a worrier, until just a couple of months ago. He told me that during a doctor visit, the doctor asked him if he was suicidal !! He is not, but, his conversation concerned the doctor too. :-(
Anyone else experience anything else like this? Any advice that would help me, to help him, would be appreciated.
Thank you.
In the beginning, my husband listened to all the worries. The more he listened, the more his dad unloaded all his worries onto my husband. Finally, my husband realized that his dad was out of control and listening was not helping him but rather just encouraging him. Now, my husband answers his dad's calls and, if it's not an emergency or serious question, he cuts the call short. It's sad that that's what's necessary but his dad was driving both of us crazy.
As others have said moving is very stressful all by itself and for some reason I think it's even more stressful for the elderly.
The worst day being the 'yard sale day' when we had so many small items to sell and the remaining items being hauled to Goodwill.
Mother stressed over muffin tins, pans that had practically worn through the bottom--and there was the fact the temps that day topped 100 degrees, so all the candles melted--just an unholy mess.
In the end, I think the sale netted them less than $500. I would have HAPPILY given her that to not to have dealt with setting up the sale, running it and then having my sweet Sons In Law haul everything leftover to GW.
Moving from a 4000sf home to an 800 sf apt and wanting to keep literally EVERYTHING was awful. Dad was sick enough to no longer care. Mother felt her life being ripped out of her hands.
We did foresee this exact dynamic and had her dr. prescribe a sedative and we just kept her kind of doped up all that day---and during the whole move. The day we moved them to the new place, we took all the furniture out first and set up the apt and did most of the 'organizing', leaving Mom little to fuss about.
That night, however, she started having chest pains so I ran her to the ER. She was just super upset. The ER doc kindly gave her a shot of something and she was completely out of it for the next 24 hrs. She stayed on the sedatives for a long time. Her 'dream home' had basically been torn out of her hands--(poor planning was really the cause, and a OB who stole mom & dad blind)….
Daddy was about 80% bedbound by then and the move didn't really upset him. It took mother a long time to acclimate. She's been there 22 years and I guess she is as happy as she's going to be. Eventually, the anxiety passed and acceptance took over.
We ended up moving her to an Independent Living facility; the geriatrician and geriatric psychiatrist there were able to see (new eyes on the situation) that there was something very wrong. To make a long story short, mom had had a stroke and neurocognitive testing showed that she had the reasoning skills of an 8 year old.
I would follow up with his regular doctor and get some further examination of these symptoms.
And, if he's suffering anxiety, the doctor might prescribe meds for that.
Can he get involved with volunteering somewhere?
Is there an active Senior group where he lives, or in town where he will be moving?
You printed out a list of senior activities but did you suggest going with him once? Everyone, a child going to school on the first day, starting a job, we are all nervous when starting something new, maybe he is nervous about meeting a new group of people.
Also, what if you repeat "who's job is it to worry these days?"
Not Father's anymore-he's taken care of you and now you and others will take your turn caring for him. Not foolproof but I have used it with clients with some positive outcome.
Also-consult with Physician, perhaps there are underling issues and/or symptoms that can be managed (shorterm?) with medication.
Good luck, and hugs to you, you are doing a great job in a tough situation!
i apologize but if an agent left my home unlocked I would contact Bureau of Real Estate to file a complaint! But maybe we take things more seriously and I’m not sure what state this person lives in?
Another thing to consider is possibly getting a home health aide who is trained to deal with anxiety.
Hope these suggestions help.
Lights being left is going to happen, it's all part of selling the house. In fact, whenever your Dad knows that Buyers are coming with their Agent, it is best for your Dad to leave lights on to brighten up the house. The house shows better. That should stop Dad from worrying about an Agent leaving lights on. Let Dad know that the Realtor will not turn off the lights. This is your Dad's "job".
It's very normal to stress about the home selling before he moves. If he still has a mortgage, it's just the thought of paying a mortgage payment plus paying the apartment rent. And I bet, your Dad depended on his wife to help with the worry.
Try to keep your Dad busy with downsizing the "stuff" in his home. I remember trying to get my Dad to go through all of his books to see what he wanted to keep and what to toss/donate. The standing joke was he did downsize his books from 200 down to 199 :P Yep, we moved all those bookcases and books to his senior facility. Those books were his "cocoon" .
Therefore, let Dad fret about things. At 86 he has earned the right to worry about things. And don't forget, our parent(s) still see us as teenagers, and what do we know :P