Husband has, over past few months, exhibited increased sundowning that includes intense agitation, paranoia, confusion, delusions and violence. I have called 911 five times, resulting in two multiple day hospitalizations. This last episode, I was hit in the jaw with a closed fist as I tried to calm him while in bed. He was put on 100 mg of seroquel and depekote given three times daily, to help calm him. I have followed dosing guidelines explicitly, but though he would go to bed easily and fall asleep soon, he would then start waking, getting up and dressing himself and becoming very physical. This latest admission resulted in multiple meetings with doctors, social and case workers with my trying to involve his oldest child as the spokesperson for husband's side of the family, in all conversations and two conference calls, also asking the social worker to call her personally to allow her to ask questions. His daughter is a home healthcare planner at a major hospital nearby. Until now I have felt, as the POA, that I had everyone's support. But upon finding out that the decision had been made to place husband, at least temporarily, in a skilled nursing facility for rehab and further evaluation, they are now attacking me as an uncaring person trying to warehouse him. I am devastated.
Is he taking his medications..or spitting them out when nobody is looking. Or refusing to take them. There are injections such as long-term haldol they can give if he is refusing medications but a psychiatrist would have to prescribe that.
I don't see how rehab can help if he has outbursts of violence which would put staff and other patients in danger.
The doctors would have to rule out a physical cause for violence such as underlying infection.
She came for a few hours and I went for a hike.
After I was on the trail for an hour, I got a text asking me to come back. She was not 'able to handle' helping her father change his wound dressing, it 'grossed' her out.
When I got home I simply got to business and took care of things. She commented "I don't know how you do it." And never came back to help again.
Now he has Dementia and she comes to visit for a couple of hours every 5 or 6 months. However I have asked her to come and stay for 3 days this winter.
No one can walk in your shoes.
You need to take care of you.
With all you have to worry about I suggest you don’t waste your time and energy on trying to convince the family that you’re doing the right thing.
Be secure in the facts that you have been an excellent caregiver, you’ve gone over and above to keep them informed and be secure in your decisions.
If there is going to be flack from the family they will have this issue or another to create chaos.
It seems that many families do this sort of thing because they’re having trouble accepting reality, Imo. It’s easier to make you the bad guy, than it is to see their dad diminished.
Be strong and don’t let them make your job harder. Let them step up and DO whatever it is they think you should be doing or just don’t let their opinions affect you.
Good luck,
charlotte
You are and have been a caring a devoted caregiver. He needs full time care from young , trained and rested professionals. He needs for his medications to be titrated. In short, he needs to be someplace other than home with you.
Try not to be devastated by their reaction. You don't need their approval to do the right thing.
Turning on some music, trying not to be over-solicitous, walking outside-allowing dH to regain his self-control, calm himself, or just go to sleep may help himself.
I realize your question was about how to get family members to understand.
You should not waste your time, emotions, and efforts on that useless pursuit. imo.
Take care of yourself.
You are very hurt, but if you can, just cool it for a few weeks. Don’t back off, but give them time to get to where you are at. If it stays possible for the relationships to improve, it is in the best interests of you, your husband, and his children. In the longer term, these relationships could and should be supporting both of you.
Your husband made you POA for a reason. The decisions are yours alone. I would not give his family any more info since they acted this way. His ex is not entitled to any.
I may be too cynical, but from my own experience, I truly believe that "No good deed goes unpunished" especially when caregiving.
It is understandable that you feel devastated, this is your husband, and you are not the enemy. You are trying hard in an untenable circumstance. It is not okay to live with physical violence. Your husband's care is beyond what you can provide (or any one person for that matter) at this time,
You say the decision had been made......who made the decision?
You do not have to give up any rights to make decisions for your husband just because you have asked for help from husband's side of the family. imo.
Maybe sharing less with them will help. You need a loyal support base, not criticism, imo.
You are NOT the enemy. You are his wife. With that role comes the responsibility to also take good care of yourself.