How do I get family members (blended step-family that includes first wife), to understand that I have his safety and my own to consider?

I dealt with physical abuse toward me by a demented individual. What I have found is that people are so busy demonizing the victim they don't actually think of the danger to the victim. If you can get empathy, you win. Empathy requires connection between two people and social control to reinforce that connection. You have to be disruptive to what is going on to reset the adversarial relationship to one of empathy.

The reality is they are saying it is okay for you to be abused. It's not okay. And they need to think of it like they are in your shoes.

Make it scary to them. Bring them in and make them empathize and remind them that basic human norms have been violated.

One option is to use video in a public place to create a sense of deep wrongness. Get phone video of the supposedly helpless person wigging out and hurting people. It helps if people scream in the video.

Bring the video with you on a casual meet up. Ask to go for coffee and talk it out with one of the demonizers. Protip: They don't get to act out at you because there are strangers around!

Explain that you have a video you want their advice on. Play the video (one minute or less) just loudly enough so other people look concerned and maybe even whisper to the waiter. A pall of disturbed silence settling over the other guests is great to remind the demonizer that stuff is really f-ed up.

Fun phrases: "I'm not sure whether I'm being silly or not to be afraid of him, can I show you how hard he hits me? Like, just, on your arm a couple times?" Make it scary. Once they refuse? "Okay, so we agree hitting is unacceptable. Apologize to me." They hem and haw? "Okay, so hitting is acceptable. Roll up your sleeve so I get a clear shot. You don't get to say I'm the special one who deserves to be hit and you are not."

She1934; Holy cow .....you poor thing !!! No Way should anyone ever ever have to
Deal with this type of Alzheimer's Alone you are not capable of doing this alone there is No way !! You are a sweet loveing person to have done so much let his kids help let his kids see what their dad is capable of let one of the kids deal with dads fits of rage you have done the absolute ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN DO by putting him in a Nurseing home!! He is where he belongs !! I have learned that family members who are not as involved in their loved ones life they feel GUILTY so they place BLAME on whoever is makeing decisions ....where were the kids when dad was uncontrollable and violent?? Sounds like you are a complete Angel please know you have not done anything wrong YOU ARE RIGHT!!! I send my hugs to you !!

Keep it simple....it is what is Best for Him right now. They can do more to adjust medications in a few days in a hospital or 2 weeks in rehab than they can do at home. It would take months to make those adjustments at home, because of guidelines and risks if adverse effects. When there is an RN and other medical staff there 24/7, they can adjust things faster, or determine, with no emotional baggage, if his Disease has progressed to a dangerous place!

This was the Loving Thing To Do! You do not want him over medicated to a point where he has no Quality of Life, so this is what you Had To Do!

Daughter who works with Exit Care Plans for big hospital knows that Insurance won't just let you throw him in a NH for your convenience. There has to be a medical necessity! That is what you need to write her. Don't call, message or email. Then add auto reply, " I am not available at this time:
-Spending quality time with my husband.
- Making arrangements for my husband's return as soon as it is safe for him to return home.

I used to have to go across the street to talk down a neighbor who was sundowning. Knowing his core values since childhood was key. I am a Professional Mental Health Counselor, retired.

When/ If he returns, you need to get separate beds I separate rooms, a bed alarm that goes off if he gets up. Also door alarms, if you don't have them already.

I don't know how big your husband is. I would question the doctor on options other than sleeping medications. Benadryl or Melatonin at bed, on top of Seroquel might be a better option.

Final note, long after my Aunt could not recognize her son, she still recognized and remembered the tall handsome man who was always so kind when he visited. She did not realize how infrequently he was able to come, but she remembered his kindness.

Be the Kind Lady who visits, as the disease progresses,...let others do caregiving. Be there to be sure he gets the best of care!

Please allow yourself to breathe. My husband has the sun down issue and alzheimers and I was his 24/7 caregiver. We don't have a blended family but I was worried what his sister would say. Please don't allow him to hurt you anymore. You did the right thing by calling for help. Don't be a statistic. I just had do have my husband picked up by the police/ambulance and taken to the hospital (4 days ago). Hardest thing in my life, but I feel safe now. When you meet them at the hospital, you need to say you fear for your life (most likely true). I am also his POA but didn't have a special medical POA. Luckily in my state, the spouse is automatically the medical POA. When he was home, I was insulated in my house, but have wonderful friends and my son that stood by me and knew exactly what was going on. No shame in keeping everyone informed. I did a lot of texting to notify friends and family. The social worker in each location can give you different information. One was not good information, and the next behavioral hospital has a wonderfully helpful social worker. My spouse is going to be in a group home setting because that is what his disability check will cover. Noone will ever take care of your spouse as good as you, but if he is safe and taken care of, you will be safe and that is priority. You are worth it! Take care of yourself and God bless.

MargaretK
I never said this works in every State. My paralegal/notary (I think I may have left out paralegal, but they can't give "legal advice" so to speak either) was GREAT! She was able to "lead" me in the direction of every single Court obstacle I was running into. Since I'm in TX, she in AZ she did A LOT of leg work for me. She has this as a side business but she actually works for an attorney.
The reason I said they know more is because THEY DO THE LEG WORK FOR THE ATTORNEY.
Just like RNs. Ever notice on TV series that it's the nurse who brings things to the attention of the Dr?
Our daughter is an RN and she has stopped Drs from performing surgeries because the combination of drugs patient is on vs the drugs used during surgery could kill the patient. Drs don't really read your chart, the skim over it. Next time you're in the hospital watch who really knows what's in your chart and it ain't your Dr.

I answered before and you had already tried passing the care to one of the complainers and they have refused.
Don’t over complicate this. You are
in the right both legally and morally.
I would only suggest that you pay for about a (2) hour consult with a Board Certified Elder Law Attorney. Take plentyof notes and confirm the validity of your current DPOA, and ask what else you need to know with regard to records, etc for when one of the “in-laws”’or “ex-laws” or downright “outlaws” tries to mess up your life later. The Elder Law Attorney can also direct you in any legal ways to preserve your assets, both joint and individual.
Here in Texas you can file the DPOA with the County Clerk’s office where you live so that the legal existence of that document can’t be disputed.
Once done, you never have to look back or second guess yourself. You wouldn’t even have to ask these questions if you were not a good and loving spouse that was already taking care of him.
“Till death do us part” is not an idle or meaningless oath and God will see your heart and light your way.

Let go of guilt, and let go of the family that judges you. Bye. Bye.

I had siblings that moved out of state to avoid dealing with my parents in their elder years. They never visited them when they were younger either. My siblings continue to judge and criticize me from afar, telling me how bad a person I am and that I'm not doing enough. Wait--what? You say that to me when you are living four states away? What are you doing to help? My father glows about their phone calls saying that they have helped him out so much. He doesn't thank me. I've tolerated these super fakes for years. A lot of people lie to make themselves look better. You have to protect yourself. You deserve to be happy too.

It’s always easy for people not dealing with the situation 24/7 to tell you what you should or not do I know how you feel my husband needs to be placed also because of anger agitation etc. I believe with Gods guidance you have to do what is best for him and yourself . You will never please everyone . God knows your heart I am Thankful that they even have these places for our help

Dkenz72 is ABSOLUTELY right here. You are at risk here and simply must keep yourself safe. If you don’t and you get really hurt, what will happen to your husband? You might ask them that question. Are they willing to step in to care for him if you are no longer able? This may or may not be a permanent situation for hubby but it is critical to keep him as safe and comfortable as possible too. You might ask the doctor if they are willing to speak with the family directly. That might sway the family a bit. Also, your constant reassurance that this is not warehousing, you will visit and encourage THEM to visit will help. God bless!!

Im guessing none of them has stepped up to take over care of him! Dont beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Well done for keeping going as long as you have.
j

Absolute quickest way for them to achieve understanding is to tell the most vocal one that you will have your husband and his immediate needs( clothing, meds, etc) at their door in the morning.

OMG, you do have a trump card to place immediately....YOUR ARE THE WIFE!
You are the person who has ALL medical decision rights, the others don't have any say in the matter.
Ypu have this right BUT you will still need to get GUARDIANSHIP/CONSERVATORSHIP. Sounds crazy, but you do before ANYBODY ELSE DOES THIS BEHIND YOUR BACK!! 1st get a letter from his MD stating everything that is mentally/physically wrong. In your case, get copies of all the 911 calls and police records. You can research for a REALLY GOOD NOTARY who knows as much or more than an attorney so you can represent yourself (I did this for my Mother). There will be a background check by Court AND ONLY BLOOD RELATED PERSONS NEED BE NOTIFIED. This is very important because they will contest, but 99.9% their testimony will not impact as long as you have all you ducks in a row. Have you kept a diary? I have 1 that goes back 5+ yrs, so even IF my siblings tried to contest, I had everything to backup my being the better of 4 having Mom's best interest. They ALL signed off that they would not contest, BUT that doesn't mean they can't in the future. MY STEP-SIBLINGS are my problem. Oldest petitioned to be telecom/her attorney present during my hearing. I objected but was denied. This had absolutely NOTHING to do with my step-Father and they're not blood. You can get EMERGENCY GUARDIANSHIP too. DO NOT LET THE STATE SERVICES TAKE CONTROL. YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO PAY DOWN ALL ASSETS HE HAS THEN YOU WILL OWE THE STATE ALL THE MONEY THAT WAS SPENT. IS the deed to the house an and/or? If or get it quit claimed and then in your name so the STATE CANNOT force you to sell. IF he has a Will, read it because you can't change it. Read up on Notary Law too. People don't realize that State Government can change these requirements! In AZ, if you have a copy of a DPOA and a copy of the Will indicating he has you listed to take care of him both medically/financially you can still have it notarized with your proper ID. This DOES NOT MEAN it must be accepted by 3rd parties i.e. banks. THIS was a problem for me because #1 step-sister stole $50.000+ from Mom using her DPOA fraudulently AND having the bank file a report on me for Elder abuse for financial gain (very long story, but she lost that one). I represented myself in Court, taught 2 attorneys/Judge a few things about Community State Laws, then I hired a Family Law attorney. Saved $300 hr fee. I had family witnesses if needed too.
NOW I am having to provide info per Court order to #1 ugly step-sister that I already did, but she's not happy and with holding money owed to Mom's Estate. YES it is called Estate even though person is alive. I am writing a novella which includes copies of emails showing she made decisions, took money etc fraudulently to my attorney, Court Fiduciary and her attorney. She has dug herself into a hole and keeps digging.
I hope this helps you in some way. It's going to be hard, but you need to protect your husband, yourself AND THE ASSETS!!! NOW

Now that husband has been placed, pending Medi-Cal approval, in a skilled nursing facility, my guilt is overwhelming. It has only been 4 days and I go each day. The place is clean, though certainly not fancy, but all I can do. I speak with the AIDS, physical therapist, nurses, ask about meds, and talk to staff to ascertain how things are when I am not there, but I am so saddened by how he seems. I know that he is on additional seroquel -25mg twice during the day, and that makes him more groggy, but the difference since his hospital admission 13 days ago is just so distressing. One day he seems more alert, the next, he is sleeping in his wheelchair all day. He eats fairly well and he seems to like the food-I taste it all, and the flavors are good. He is on all puréed and nectar thick liquids, as well as being monitored in the dining room due to swallowing problems. I read to him, play music for him, sing with the music, show him photos of his pets, family and friends, take his dog to see him, have even seen a smile or two, but am still sick with guilt. Today he is going to an appt. with a geriatric psychologist in hopes of modifying his meds. But the change in him since before his two hospitalizations these past two months is stunning.

Have they spent a single night with him to see how he really acts? They couldn't possibly understand what you're going through if they haven't witnessed it themselves. You know what's best for him. You know what's best for you. It's easy to stand on the sidelines and coach. Stand firm. :)

Wow, somewhat of a flashback to a few years ago with my step-dad (being the only one assisting my Mom (POA) during similar activities). Those who don't live it every day are clueless, even with details such as yours. Stepbrother out of state said if we were "dumping" his Dad, he'd move him up there (they had phone convos for 10 minutes weekly, visited once a year at most).
Mom thought it was guilt felt due to lack of involvement in his life. His daughter had recently ceased communicating with him and saw what was happening when she came to check (insisted and assisted in finding a place to care for him). His son didn't realize until he visited him at his new home. We visited daily and took him to doctor's appointments, it was very chaotic until he passed in 2015. Rare visits by others, none by most.
"Pa" was the most docile, kind, non-aggressive person I'd known until the disease took over his personality.
Unfortunately, I decided we couldn't alter opinions of others and focused on doing the most we could to insure Pa was as safe and happy as possible. Knowing that helped and if you're sure the action taken is your only option, I hope you can be at peace with it and ignore the haters. Ignorance and refusal to accept the diagnosis fuels their hate and hopefully they'll be able to come to terms with it.
Just wondering - does his family think it was okay to have you in a physically abusive environment? Shame on them.
Take care of yourself.

I absolutely feel for you and trust me, you are doing the RIGHT thing for now. We went through the same thing with my mother. Family members would show up, see me bruised or wearing a splint from the multiple times she sprained my wrists and ignore it and me. People who have guilt about not pulling their share of the load tend to wear blinders. That way, they don't have to disrupt their lives and become more responsible. This is even more concerning since this is your husband and males can be stronger and more aggressive. It sounds as if the docs still have not found the right combination of meds to curb his Sundowners and agitation. Until they do, he belongs in a facility for his safety and yours. You cannot manage this alone and should not be expected to. You are doing the right thing. We were fortunate enough to find a workable dose of Remeron, Ativan (only when highly agitated) Deppakote and Melatonin to curb my mother's agitation and sleep deprivation. Now she is home and things are going pretty smoothly. If they can get your husband's Sundowners and sleep deprivation under control, it may mean he can be managed at home. I wish you strength, comfort, peace and love. You are a kind soul who just wants to do the right thing. We see you :)

You if you are not safe how can you able to protect your husband your safety always comes first always and if the other family isn't willing to help you out or support you

I often had to deal with "well meaning" family members who were free to offer their advice on how to deal with situation while never really being part of the solution. You absolutely did the right thing with placement! If your husband is so agitated that he has hit you, then you must take appropriate action to protect yourself as well as you husband. If these family members are so sure that he should not be placed then let him move in with them!!

You are not uncaring, you are doing everything in your power to make sure he gets the help he needs!

You cannot care what others think. You must do what is best for YOU and your husband. And what say does the ex-wife have???? Excuse my language, but tell them all to go screw themselves and do what you need to do to take care of business.....

I would tell them if they feel you are uncaring, that you will gladly give them the opportunity to take care of him, or they can be helpful by helping you find a facility for their dad. They can go with you to visit these places and one of them can watch their dad while you go. There is nothing like actual experience in hands on care to wake people up to the reality of dementia and all it entails.

I'm going to try to write this as respectfully as I can. I find it interesting that the people who are criticizing your decision to place your husband in a facility are not providing direct care for him. In fact, I am finding that interesting in most of the stories I read on this site. Interesting is my gentle word for what I really find it to be. Perhaps if you called all of them every time he wakes in the night and gets started on his sundowning routine, they'd clue in a bit to what you see and experience. Maybe you should call and invite them to come over and sit with him during these episodes so they can participate in his care. That you've already been physically assaulted should be a very clear indication that he is progressing past the point that you will be able to care for him effectively. I am not suggesting that your caregiving is lacking anything. I just think that it would be most difficult to be an effective caregiver when you are worried that you will be injured while trying to assist your LO.

Bottom line: Do you know in your heart that the best thing for your husband is for him to be in a facility for either rehab/evaluation or long-term as may be needed? Do you love him enough to ensure he is cared for in the best possible way - even if that means it's not you providing the care? If so, follow the path you know to be right.

My husband has Lewey Body Dimentia/Parkinsons and I lived much the same way as you described for years with his active dreams at night becoming more and more dangerous over the years. My husband is normally very passive, kind, gentle and never any slightest abuse - but at night he is not himself. I was awoken frequently by terrifying screams, kicking, and once he jumped on top of me and started hitting me on the head - thankfully I was sleeping on my stomach and I was able to get him awake before I was injured. I was scared out of my mind and knew right then changes had to be made. We started sleeping in separate rooms and finally I felt safe and able to sleep all night. I could still hear the occasional screams but I knew I was not in jeopardy. Now onward to today, he fell and broke his hip in June and had to have surgery - his disease was advanced immediately. I tried to take him home after months of PT, but I couldn't manage him. He could not follow prompts when trying to shower him or transfer him and would become extremely angry. When he threw me to the bed and tried to choke me - I knew that was the limit of my abilities. We moved him to an assisted living facility and now life is still difficult, but much more manageable for us both. I visit him daily and our time together is peaceful. He is being well taken care of and I have a life. His family is out of the picture basically - his son severed ties with us years ago when he realized his dad was ill - so he doesn't call or visit ever. I don't want to see him but I hate it for my husband's sake. But bottom line - you are your husband's spouse, the decisions for his care are YOURS to make. Don't let them dominate your life or make you feel guilty, or make decisions for your husband's care. Stand tall, rely on friends and your support network and try to get through it. You have enough to cope with without letting these people who have no idea what it's like to care for a person in that condition ruin your life. Good luck! You are not alone.

I would make as much of it about your husband's needs. And frankly, if he didn't qualify for rehab, they wouldn't put him in rehab. There are professionals who have determined that your husband needs this.

It's heartbreaking to have to decide when to put a loved one into a care facility. My mom had been living with me for 5 years when I told my brother and sister that I just couldn't do it anymore. Although they both live nearby, neither of them wanted to step in. Mom was waking at all hours and going into my room and my kids' rooms scaring the daylights out of us, "running away" in the middle of the night in our semi-rural neighborhood, forgetting how to use appliances, screaming at us, hallucinating, wetting herself, accusing everyone of stealing from her, and having frequent falls. We took her to a geriatric specialist who flat out told my sister and me that she needed 24/7 care, which was impossible for any of us to provide. Mom didn't want to pay for home aides, so my sister-in-law and I visited local memory care facilities and placed her in a good one. She hates it and occasionally blames me for "putting her away." Some of my family members point fingers as well. However, I have pointed out to her and to them that the physical and mental exercises, constant supervision, and overseeing of her medications that the facility provides have actually assisted in keeping her dementia from progressing too quickly. My children and I can actually sleep at night without worrying whether she will run off and get hurt, set the house on fire, get into medications, etc. Additionally, I am not dealing with her hallucinations, recriminations, or constant need of attention after working an 8 hour day and taking care of my children and my home. When I visit her now, I am her daughter, not her caretaker, and it's a lot less stressful for both of us.

What have I learned from this experience: 1) I've been a caretaker most of my life, but taking care of someone with dementia is a full time job in itself no matter how much you love the person, 2) caretakers can get weary and resentful, which ruins a relationship with a loved one - you have to take care of yourself before you can care for others, 3) if someone hasn't walked in your shoes and doesn't offer to try, they don't have the right to judge.

It is strange how the father's wife always becomes the "wicked stepmother" when important decisions that they don't agree with are made. I always felt I got along well with my husband's two sons and his sister. But they weren't happy with any of the arrangements I made, and after the funeral I never saw or heard from any of them again, despite several overtures on my part. So I made a new life for myself and you must do the same.

when dealing with family...you’re dealing with memories....what they were as opposed to what they are now. To others... they could have been stylish, competent, the confider, the awesome cook..the confident one, the one that gave them that amazing gift.... yards of memories and pictures to prove it.

but that’s what they were...

it it is not the person they are now; the diaper wearing, confused, prattling, shuffling, cursing, violent, refuser to eat anything or eating everything like a bottomless pit...and throwing it up only to eat more; cause they forgot they ate... glazed eyed, drooling person they are now...the one the doctor diagnosed as Alzheimer’s, or any other mind altering disease....

what you see and what others see will always be at odds, so the sooner they accept your words (or the doctors) the sooner they will accept your POA or any other care offered. You just can’t rush whet he/she is now... over a lifetime and album of memories each person has of them, but you can help them see it’s not a trick by affirming what the medical profession states

Since you are the POA, it’s ultimately your decision about his care. With all due respect to the eldest daughter, she’s reacting to the closeness of the situation. To her over the danger to himself or you.

making people understand the dangers is useless unless they’re ready to accept the diagnosis- and it doesn’t sound like it at all. and it doesn’t seem like it.

His eldest daughter already knows the “system” so she, like the rest, should be supportive because she understands “care” over “warehousing” someone - but when it’s your own, logic goes out the window. are people. it’s much easier to attack you and call you crazy then him; you’ll remember it, he won’t.

That said, you aren’t warehouseing anyone: evaluation is just that, determing a different level of care. How your family (and extended family) deals with it is their own mourning process to the person he used to be, you, living with him? You’re further along in your acceptance that he needs different care.

They can be in denial right up until the last minute... but tragedy happens when people rather not. You’re not uncaring, that’s ridiculous, and a knee jerk barb from them....you have the punch in the face to prove it and multiple police calls. You don’t need to be in the hospital yourself to drive that point home to immediate and extended family..nor do they need the police or APS involved over their now “awakened” response to his care.

Youre doing the right thing for him...him and you... and that’s what I’d stress. Quality of care determined by skilled staff is their job... that’s something his daughter should appreciate since she is in the ‘warehousing’ ...er “medical field” herself and you would “welcome” any suggestions to his quality of life and enjoyment. What you won’t accept is guilt, violence, and care beyond your skill set...see what I did there? ( smile) you cant help your family; and please remind your family that he’s a human , not a package being stored in a facility. You have no plans of relinquishing your love for him, just the caregiving part of this situation if the doctors state that.

It's very hard for some people (especially family members) on the outside of the situation to understand. I am going through this now (not to the extent that you are) but I have a family member who shrugs off the instances with my mother and minimizes every situation...even when she said she was going to "kill herself" if her license got revoked...He laughed it off and said "she would never do that."

My response: "A mentally stable person would never say that."

Perhaps it's denial...or the fact that they are not living the experience like we are. But I am choosing to stay in my own power...which at the present time includes going no contact with my mother because her verbal and emotional abuse towards me has hit an all time high.
I honestly believe that none of us were prepared for this longevity we are experiencing with people living so long. I don't know what the answer is...other than for myself, I will continue to take care of myself physically and mentally so that I can perhaps ward off some of these issues and not be a burden to my children.

Your situation sounds identical to my situation. My husband was diagnosed in 2015 with early onset Alzehimer. He became violent. I had to run and hide in the garage until police arrived to get him to the hospital. My husband at the time was able to tell me " You are not safe in this house because you are stealing from me" . My husband is in a wonderful family care home that is minutes from my house. I can visit every day if I chose to. He doesn't remember any of the violent behavior. He tell me every day now that " I'm the best wife". The Neurologist said for my safety and his. He need 24 hour care. The violence is against staff now , so meds are being adjusted once again. Step children have wanted me to keep him home . They have been in denial for almost 3 years now. The last visit staff shared with them the severity of the situation. I am going to STAY Strong by the grace of GOD because I know that this was a health decision for me and my husband. I pray you stand strong and keep you peace within concerning right decisions. (((Family Care Homes are wonderful))) it doesn't feel like a facility. No more than 6 residents. I get to take trips with my mom and sister which is great for my mental health . Me being healthy allows me to rejuvenate and go get my husband ((on good days))to hang out with him at the park, restaurant, etc.

The phrase 'agree to disagree' comes to mind. Stand in your truth knowing that you've done the best for your husband.

Tomorrow my brother will visit my parents for the first time in their new home at the long term care facility where I placed them last month. Mom turned 96 last Tuesday and has dementia but still my brother can't understand why it was necessary for me to move 'quickly' and put them in after Dad had been taken by ambulance for the second time in a month. The first trip to the hospital had required 15 stitches after Mom had pushed him, the second...he was trying to help her up after she had fallen and once again she didn't know her own strength and he fell again. Of course he won't admit to the family that it was Mom's outbursts that caused the problem, so my brother is of a mind that we should wait to place them in a facility nearer him even though there's a 3 year wait.

I've tried to explain this to my brother and his twin has done the same. Unfortunately he is a stubborn man and hasn't seen our parents in six months even though he lives 3 hours away and I live 9 hours away in another country. It's escalated to the point that I've blocked him from texting me so that I can do my work for my parents without having to deal with being bullied by my brother.

Bottom line is armchair quarterbacks seldom get bruises and they sure as heck don't know what it feels like to be on this playing field.