Husband has, over past few months, exhibited increased sundowning that includes intense agitation, paranoia, confusion, delusions and violence. I have called 911 five times, resulting in two multiple day hospitalizations. This last episode, I was hit in the jaw with a closed fist as I tried to calm him while in bed. He was put on 100 mg of seroquel and depekote given three times daily, to help calm him. I have followed dosing guidelines explicitly, but though he would go to bed easily and fall asleep soon, he would then start waking, getting up and dressing himself and becoming very physical. This latest admission resulted in multiple meetings with doctors, social and case workers with my trying to involve his oldest child as the spokesperson for husband's side of the family, in all conversations and two conference calls, also asking the social worker to call her personally to allow her to ask questions. His daughter is a home healthcare planner at a major hospital nearby. Until now I have felt, as the POA, that I had everyone's support. But upon finding out that the decision had been made to place husband, at least temporarily, in a skilled nursing facility for rehab and further evaluation, they are now attacking me as an uncaring person trying to warehouse him. I am devastated.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
What does oldest daughter suggest? Since she’s a home health care adviser...let me guess...home health care? Perhaps she would like to spend a week or so (including nights) at your house taking primary care of her dad. Perhaps you could suggest it so she could “evaluate” him personally. If there’s 100 excuses why that’s not possible...then you have your answer.
Helpful Answer (19)
sudalu Oct 2018
Excellent response, rocketjcat.

With all you have to worry about I suggest you don’t waste your time and energy on trying to convince the family that you’re doing the right thing.

Be secure in the facts that you have been an excellent caregiver, you’ve gone over and above to keep them informed and be secure in your decisions.

If there is going to be flack from the family they will have this issue or another to create chaos.

It seems that many families do this sort of thing because they’re having trouble accepting reality, Imo. It’s easier to make you the bad guy, than it is to see their dad diminished.

Be strong and don’t let them make your job harder. Let them step up and DO whatever it is they think you should be doing or just don’t let their opinions affect you.

Good luck,

Helpful Answer (15)

The phrase 'agree to disagree' comes to mind. Stand in your truth knowing that you've done the best for your husband.

Tomorrow my brother will visit my parents for the first time in their new home at the long term care facility where I placed them last month. Mom turned 96 last Tuesday and has dementia but still my brother can't understand why it was necessary for me to move 'quickly' and put them in after Dad had been taken by ambulance for the second time in a month. The first trip to the hospital had required 15 stitches after Mom had pushed him, the second...he was trying to help her up after she had fallen and once again she didn't know her own strength and he fell again. Of course he won't admit to the family that it was Mom's outbursts that caused the problem, so my brother is of a mind that we should wait to place them in a facility nearer him even though there's a 3 year wait.

I've tried to explain this to my brother and his twin has done the same. Unfortunately he is a stubborn man and hasn't seen our parents in six months even though he lives 3 hours away and I live 9 hours away in another country. It's escalated to the point that I've blocked him from texting me so that I can do my work for my parents without having to deal with being bullied by my brother.

Bottom line is armchair quarterbacks seldom get bruises and they sure as heck don't know what it feels like to be on this playing field.
Helpful Answer (15)

There will be answers for you.
I may be too cynical, but from my own experience, I truly believe that "No good deed goes unpunished" especially when caregiving.

It is understandable that you feel devastated, this is your husband, and you are not the enemy. You are trying hard in an untenable circumstance. It is not okay to live with physical violence. Your husband's care is beyond what you can provide (or any one person for that matter) at this time,

You say the decision had been made......who made the decision?

You do not have to give up any rights to make decisions for your husband just because you have asked for help from husband's side of the family. imo.

Maybe sharing less with them will help. You need a loyal support base, not criticism, imo.

You are NOT the enemy. You are his wife. With that role comes the responsibility to also take good care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (13)

She1934 gave you an excellent answer. In  my situation, my wife is not violent but does have dementia and it's progressing. We too have a blended family. Her two adult sons do nothing but criticize my efforts and yet offer zero help, even when asked. My best guess is that they are feeling guilt at their lack of effort, but not enough so they will help. One even stated that he was "in a good place right now and wanted to keep it that way." The other has told me that "he wasn't going to be his mother's nursemaid." I now only involve them by letting them know if there is a major emergency. Other than that I don't want to open myself up for further criticism. My own adult children and even one grandchild have been wonderful and helpful and understanding. Once or twice a year I plan a get-away for myself and either have someone in my family stay with my wife or place her in a respite center, which is somewhat costly, but worth the peace of mind. (I get criticized by her sons too for taking the occasional break.) You can't hope to take care of the ill person unless you take care of yourself. Ignore the flak as best you can, and just do what you know is best.
Helpful Answer (13)
Harpcat Oct 2018
Good for you! Sounds like you have good boundaries!
Absolute quickest way for them to achieve understanding is to tell the most vocal one that you will have your husband and his immediate needs( clothing, meds, etc) at their door in the morning.
Helpful Answer (12)
TwoWorlds Oct 2018
Tried that. They won't step up to the plate. They just become more vocal and hostile.
See 1 more reply
No one really knows what you go through on a daily basis. Once he became violent he needed more care than u can give him. He could have broke your jaw. The doctors have found he needs more care than you can give. I would think about it being a temporary thing. A NH may be the best thing for him at this point. You were very nice in including daughter in the conversations. If his family doesn't like it, then one of them can take him to live with them. But then, u may not be allowed to see him.

Your husband made you POA for a reason. The decisions are yours alone. I would not give his family any more info since they acted this way. His ex is not entitled to any.
Helpful Answer (11)

Do not seek their approval for his placement. They have no standing to weigh in and no conception of what cost to your health his care has been.

You are and have been a caring a devoted caregiver. He needs full time care from young , trained and rested professionals. He needs for his medications to be titrated. In short, he needs to be someplace other than home with you.

Try not to be devastated by their reaction. You don't need their approval to do the right thing.
Helpful Answer (10)

Let go of guilt, and let go of the family that judges you. Bye. Bye.

I had siblings that moved out of state to avoid dealing with my parents in their elder years. They never visited them when they were younger either. My siblings continue to judge and criticize me from afar, telling me how bad a person I am and that I'm not doing enough. Wait--what? You say that to me when you are living four states away? What are you doing to help? My father glows about their phone calls saying that they have helped him out so much. He doesn't thank me. I've tolerated these super fakes for years. A lot of people lie to make themselves look better. You have to protect yourself. You deserve to be happy too.
Helpful Answer (9)

Im guessing none of them has stepped up to take over care of him! Dont beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Well done for keeping going as long as you have.
Helpful Answer (8)

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter