How do you get a loved one to shower?

Instead of a shower, try a "spa time" with bubble bath, scented candles, music, soft lighting... follow the bath by drying with a towel heated up in the dryer (my Gram loved this) and maybe warmed up clothes as well. You can then pamper her with warmed up lotion to massage into her skin.

If she can sit/stand with her head over the sink, you could wash her hair that way and use a cup to pour warm water over her hair. Seems the sounds of running water can be distressing. If she will not do this, try dry shampoos for most hair cleaning. In the hospital where I work, we have a shampoo cap that is basically a plastic shower cap with no rinse shampoo in it. I warm it up in the microwave, put on the head with all hair tucked inside. Massage the scalp well. Take off cap and dry hair with a clean, warm towel.

I hear ya. My mom has a rough smell and I’m embarrassed for her when I take her to Doctors appointments. She will absolutely not let me attempt it as she is painfully bashful, so I bought the feminine wipes and keep them on the sink by the toilet so she can see them, but she still doesn’t use them. I try to remind her to use them, but she gets angry and hurt that I said anything about it in the first place. When I tell her nicely that there is a bad smell about her, she says she doesn’t care. I’m not sure what has happened to her state of mind as she used to be a stickler for smelling good. I’m at a loss.

Ask your Doctor or social worker to Help you Hire a CNA ( Certified Nurse assistant ) for Bathing and Hygiene - Mine was covered through Medicare .

It isn't being stubborn when a person has Alzheimer's.
Educate yourself on how the brain changes and processes incoming information. For instance, she may fear water ... feel like she is going to drown.

You give her sponge baths and show compassion.
You develop compassion by studying what dementia is and how to communicate with a person inflicted with it ... to keep them as calm as possible.

Google Teepa Snow. Watch her You Tubes, buy her books.
And get this one:
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with a wash by a sink. Showers are not necessary.

My mum hated getting wet and she always felt cold. She washed (with a carer's help) every day sitting on the edge of her bed and a bowl of warm water on a table. Using a flannel, she washed from top to bottom every day.

She used to have her hair washed at the sink, until she could no longer bend over. Then, I looked up information (which is how I found this site) about how else to wash her hair. It was short and I was able to do it with a bowl of hot water and two flannels - one for washing and one for rinsing, just as Mum was washed in the morning.
The secret to washing hair this way is to not use a lot of shampoo, so there's not much of a lather.

The idea that we need baths or showers to be clean is a fallacy, although they do make us feel much fresher.
I would recommend using cream cleanser (such as Johnson's baby lotion) on limbs, belly and back, in order to look after the skin.

srsmith1986: Bring in Home Health.

I know ppl say outside help can get more done than family, but imo that is false. Many caregivers (Cg) have failed to accomplish bathing. I am 100% as daughter, primary cg. B/c I stand firm & those folks give in to personal rights to independent choice. That said: I do not make my mother bathe in shower or tub. Ever. She gets it a few times a year at nursing home in respite situation. Otherwise we bathe at the sink, 'top half' and 'bottom half.' Mom is 94, moderate dimentia of unknown sort. Best things for her have been: telling her in advance that it's going to happen. Speech therapy had us start white boards of important things going on. I keep one with daily schedule of names/times of caregivers (while I'm at work) and also what daily events there are: doctor apptmt; bathing day; hair wash day. She refers to that regularly. On the bathing day, I remind her beforehand -- we have to get bathed today. we're doing that after I walk the dog. Get the dog ready to go. Before leaving: when we get back from our walk, you're going to get bathed. Come home with dog: Ok, it's time to get bathed now.
Have things set up in advance --everything you need at hand: clothes; cloths/towels; new depends, shampoo etc.
And frankly, most of the time I have her do it herself. ?! Yes. She is capable, with MUCH instruction. I occasionally step in, to make sure we get a good job. And I do her back or super hard to reach places. But like a small child, she is capable of some of these things herself. She just needs to be told (and re-told) each step. With 'sponge' bath, there is much less water, so that issue is somewhat mitigated.
Also. I have noticed a HUGE difference in the amt of resistance if we keep a schedule. If we can keep regular caregivers (who actually do bathe her) & keep it to a set usual time/routine, there is way less resistance, b/c it is accepted as routine. Same way she grumbles about not wanting to take her morning medicine before I leave for work, but she does it, she will get bathed when done in a regular way. We still have grumbling: I don't want this; when will this torture end? etc. But while she is saying that, she is moving to do it or actually doing it, instead of staying in bed. And it's less strident grumbling than previously.

As for cgs, instead of verbal or written instructions of 'she's not going to like it but you still have to do it,' I have had MUCH more success when I demonstrate it, with them in the next room where they can hear and observe some (privacy). When they see the kind of pushback I get, & that that is normal behaviour for her, I have found them to be much more likely to proceed in the same fashion themselves, rather than let her decide not to.

However. There are still cgs (professional caregivers) that refuse to make them do anything they don't want to do. I only make her bathe three times a week. She gets hair washed once a week, which was her practice my whole life. That is as much of a compromise as I am willing to make. She needs to get bathed to stay clean. She can't go on NEVER getting bathed. But we can limit it and accomplish it in a not horrible/traumatic way for her.

Also, I don't know where you all live, but where I live, you're not getting any better trained or quality people at home care agencies or nursing homes than you are yourself, for the most part. Maybe a couple at a nursing home that has managed to hold staff. But MANY many people at those facilities are transient & not well trained generally, much less when dealing with dementia patients. I've picked her up from a 5 day respite and she's in the same clothes she came in . Never bathed or clothes changed. B/c they asked her to do it & she said no & that was that. W/ mom, you don't ask her anything. You will 100% get a no. Do you want to eat.......any meal.......now? No. 100%. Do you want to bathe? exercise? No. No. You tell her it's time to do it.

First the most part dementia folks now have a fear of water. Don't force the issue. If she doesn't want one so be it. If you are giving her bedbaths and are doing them correctly then No worries. Just because we think that a shower is the best way to go, I personally disagree. Just because you have water running over the top of them does not make them any cleaner that that sponge bath you just gave. She maybe back in a time where water was scary. Like my dad he could not swim so just the sound from a shower he would come unstuck. Just because you may have missed a spot doesn't mean running water will get it.

The last thing you want to do is threatening to put them in a facility. You may end up doing that, but somehow that idea of not something she wants may linger. Some negative ideas (frightening) may linger.

This is a somewhat different take and may not be applicable here. My dad started declining showers in his nursing home. He had cognitive decline but probably not where your mom is. When I talked to him about not wanting to shower he told me he felt embarrassed having to be unclothed in front of other people. He had always showered when living independently but was really uncomfortable doing it with assistance. When I talked to his care team they made an effort to be more sensitive to his need for privacy and tried to have a male help him instead.

My mil, who was totally sound in her mind, was very much afraid of showers. She took baths in her own home until she came to us post-stroke. I know she would have loved a bath but I was too afraid of getting her in and out. We had home care (and later hospice) for her and someone came once or twice a week and gave her a thorough bed bath. She loved it! Is it possible to sign mom up for home care?

Mom isn’t going to listen to her child any longer . She sees you as a child and herself as the parent who calls the shots .
Try hiring a bathing aide for plan A . But often when they get to this stage they can not live with family any longer because of stubbornness. Start looking at memory care facilities for plan B.

Once they start resisting showers or bathing, there are not many fixes. And it can go on for a long time.

You can use bathing sheets, ready moistened, but then again, she may not like those either. She still should be experiencing water bathing in addition to those.

You can hire a bath aide to come to your home, and you can hope for the best. They are more experienced than you are and may know some tricks to get it accomplished.

Accept that you may never get her to bathe properly because nothing you can say makes sense to her. She won't be rational, she won't be understanding of your request or have empathy for you in your exhaustion and burnout. She may become aggressive over it. She may threaten you.

Now if you were to rehome her in a facility dedicated to memory care, they have the staff numbers and training to do it. Every time. My husband in memory care is a three-person assist for baths. He continues to resist, but he is clean now. Yeah, it's a lot. But this is what you are facing, and there's no easy answer.

Perhaps try and prep her over the week. Tell her, "we have to go to X persons house or x place and need to look and smell good. Next week, let's plan on taking a shower and fixing your hair." Repeat it each day. On shower day, remind her again that today is the day and gently walk her to the shower. I would suggest getting her in the shower first thing in the morning assuming she is well rested. I also recommend making sure you have someone to help you so that you can shower and dry her quickly. Also, have someone help you if do not have a walk in shower and keep your phone by in the event you need to reach out for assistance. Btw - She may not like to shower because she may feel cold with the water on her or wet hair or water between her toes or hands. See if she can tell you why she does not like the shower and try to address. Good luck!

I would start with telling mother if she cannot maintain, with your help, basic hygiene, then she will have to move to a facility where the staff with simple take her for her shower on a timely basis.