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The people who tell you that you'll never regret caring for your mother in her old age do not have mothers who were emotionally and physically abusive to them throughout their childhood. I do not believe you can do this indefinitely, because the resentment and anger is like will burn right through your soul and ruin what's left of your life, if you don't do something to get yourself OUT of this situation. You can talk to yourself until you're blue in the face, about how you 'won't let this get to you' or 'you have to forgive her', but it won't work. The scars are too deep, the damage is too great. There are no tips or tricks that will work effectively to erase your past and help you develop a healthy relationship with with a damaged woman.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Get her placed in Assisted Living asap. I don't care WHAT is 'expected' of you and what isn't. You've done enough. It's time to pay someone else to care for your mother now, and for you to take your life back. You deserve to. You can always go visit her whenever you'd like.

Best of luck!
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 25, 2019
This advice is absolutely perfect! Some people think or most likely want to believe there can be healing. Don’t know about that. It’s very rare if that happens. Usually doesn’t work out.

There are things said that can never be taken back. Yes, they remain as scars. Scars are never easy to live with but can be done in time as long as you walk away from being primary caregiver.

An open wound is another story all together. Living in a toxic relationship and trying to live a healthy life while an infected, toxic wound exists is pretty impossible to do. Caregiving can ruin a relationship because resentment does grow. It’s not good for anyone.
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Don't hate me - I've got a heap of questions.

"Deal with" meaning 1) carry on supporting your mother but feel better and more confident about it? or 2) stop being your mother's primary support?

Burnout - this is quite a specific term, strictly speaking, which is mainly used to describe the desperation and/or emotional deadness and/or indifference to welfare that can result from too prolonged and/or intense demands on a caregiver. Your mother's in independent living, and is undergoing age-related decline: what is your input into her care, roughly?

In the years between your no longer being dependent on your mother and the situation as it has existed since your mother began to need support, what was your relationship with her like?

In your profile you say you are "expected" to care for her. Who expects this? Why do you feel you have to meet these expectations?

Besides yourself and your mother, who else (if anyone) is involved?

And on the practical front: what are your mother's needs overall? - not just those you take responsibility for, but thinking of what has to happen to sustain her as a going concern.
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Ancea58 Oct 25, 2019
Thank you
Link to Mayo Clinic’s article on how to handle job burnout (not same reason for your burnout, but take a look).

Evaluate your options.
Seek help.
Relaxing activities.

Last sentence in article: try not to let it affect your health. Sounds like it has. PLEASE take some type of action. Today.

I support social workers caring for adoptive families. All adoptive kiddos have experienced trauma. You have too. First step is recognizing this and the second will be for you to take action.

I am truly sorry for how you feel. Hugs. Praying for you.
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Ancea58 Oct 25, 2019
Thank you so much.
Seek advice from a therapist. They will help you sort through your feelings.

This is is your decision to make. Vent here, it helps. Others will have advice.

My caregiving days are over. I burned out but kept trying to force myself to be a caregiver. I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone.

It’s interesting because I have had people tell me, “You will never be sorry for caring for your mom until she dies.” What a croc!

This same woman that I limit conversations with now also said, “You will be sorry if you don’t care for her until she dies.” What a croc!

To each his/her own. I wish you well no matter what you choose. Wasn’t right for me. God knows I tried for much longer than I should have.
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Ancea58 Oct 25, 2019
Thank you. You really helped me.
Hello Ancea58,
I am in a similar situation, and not knowing your details, here is my answer:
I ask for help from my siblings. I ask in a manner that is clear, forthright and free from judgement. (It takes practice to achieve this, know that I am not a saint.)
Use "I need" statements when making your requests, avoid "You need to" statements.
Again, not knowing your situation, my opinion is that you can't do this indefinitely, get professional help. Therapy for your depression/burnout/childhood trauma, and also in a long term placement for your mother.
You deserve to be happy.
I wish you well.
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