How do you cope with verbal abuse from the elder parent you care for ?

Mom expects you to jump when she says jump, I'm sure brothers are also feeding this mindset and have for years. Time for them to step it up too. The verbal abuse hurts and can cut to the bone faster than the sharpest knife. Unfortunately it sounds as if your mom's dementia is progressing at a fast rate. DON'T be sorry that you don't plan to spend nights at your parent's home, your place is with your fiance. Mom is jealous of any attention not directed at her. In her world she is the only one who matters. Easy to say it's not her it's the disease. She thinks that by threatening to disinherit you, you will cave into her demands. We have temper tantrums here when MIL doesn't get her way or when she's told no, you're not going anywhere today (big issue was when wind chill was -40° F for days in a row and I refused to take her to McDonald's, not happening) This will be her new norm. Be prepared for the you never told me xyz when you did 10 minutes ago, frustrating you bet, take a deep breath and repeat again. One positive I can see with your situation is that I'm sure it will help you understand and be more aware of what is going on with your patients. Under normal circumstances caregiving is a bumpy ride, dementia, personality changes, physical changes that are challenging for the caregiver but also embarrassing for the patient (MIL said she was so hot she sweated right thru her pjs and blanket, that was her story and I'm sticking to it. I just readjusted, bought a thicker incontinence pad for her, I'll cross the bridge of depends when necessary right now this is working for both of us.) There are times I can see she her frustration because she feels something is a bit off and I'm sure they are scared. Other times they are completely oblivious to what they are doing and saying. It really sounds like it is time for a MC facility, would dad be comfortable moving too? I'm not sure where you are located or what is offered in your area but looking into it so she has 24x7 skilled care for her safety and wellbeing. If the bros start squawking about it tell them that mom needs full time care and if they don't agree with placement then she can move in with them and their family so she can have constant supervision and care, guess the response to that one. You can not do this journey alone and still expect to be an excellent physician, husband, and son. You will lose yourself and you will also find yourself alone because you will have nothing left to give to your relationship at the end of the day. You have done what you could for them, time to make one of the hardest decisions emotionally for you and them. My heart breaks for what you are going through and the disease that has taken your mother from you. I hope you find peace and things go well with the transition.

They are like a lot of the elderly. They are set in their ways and you could stand in front of them and do back flips, jump through a bazillion hoops or whatever and the only thing they see are what they want to see.

Give up. None of us have magical powers to change someone’s attitude. Where is that magic wand when we need one, huh?

Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting a ‘happy’ ending that we become delusional. I know I did. I was totally blind to reality. It isn’t until we walk away or they leave that it all starts to sink in just how irrational it was. Don’t let it get that far. I regret that. We can’t turn back the hands of time and get that wasted time back.

I wish you well. Do what you need to do for yourself. Let the chips fall where they may and find peace in your heart.

Back away, when my mother starts her tirade I pick up my things and leave, no explanation. When she asks me why I left I tell her, you will not talk to me that way and I will leave every time, and I do. She improves for awhile then she is at it again, and I leave. It is a circle.

You have spoiled them, and your mother is jealous of your relationship and angry that you are spreading your wings and learning how to fly, just as an adult should do.

Good Luck!

Finally don't let your siblings guilt you, you have paid your dues.

Get married & have a boatload of kids!! Just kidding. Some folks, my 92 y/o mother included, are NEVER satisfied, no matter how many fiery hoops are jumped through. So the question becomes, what's the point in jumping through ANY?

I agree with BarbBrooklyn. You can't save people from themselves. Allow your folks to fail and they'll have to find alternative placement where they can be cared for by others in Assisted Living.

Best of luck!

To try to look on the warm, if not bright, side, she misses you most when she needs help because you're the one she associates with help.

Is this happening every time, or only when she's stressed or having a "bad" day?

What's the plan for when your parents need more structured support? I'm just wondering if it might be possible to hurry it up a bit, I suppose...

ExVee, it's the worst. Our entire relationships change. We lose the "mother", the "father", the "brother" or "sister" and our relationships, esp when we have to give care in any manner, becomes almost "the other" as though we are suddenly an enemy intent on removing their control. I think the loss of the relationships is so very hard. And you are so right that no matter how many times we explain it all to others, when it hits us it is like a fist to the gut.
I am so sorry. I can only say you luckily know more than many do. But logic versus feelings is a tough one.
You will learn to distance yourself and you will have to do it to save yourself and what can be saved of the relationship.
One funny thing was someone on the forum the other day saying her Mom had always been vicious,and now when she is sweet and kind it is the "disease talking" our platitude about all those good and kind who go into meanness with their dementia.
Take heart. You aren't alone.

Step away from the mudslide, dear.

If your parents aren't cooperative, you have NO right to intervene.

Step back and let them fail. That is the ONLY way that they will get the help they need.

It sounds cruel and awful. But when elders are their own worst enemies, it's the only sane thing to do.