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My mother currently lives alone and in Florida. She says she doesn't want to come and live with me because she doesn't want to be a burden. I live in New Hampshire.


She has been giving/sending moneys to a "friend" for the past 9 years with the promise of a huge investment return. The total amount, so far, is over 300K. She is also forgetting things she has done and has already done some bad financial decisions.


My sister and I are not able to send her money, but any extra money my mother receives, will go to her "friend". My mother has also borrowed money to send to this "friend". We have tried to advise her but she refuses to believe the situation is a scam.


My sister lives out of the country and does not get along with our mother, We decided, if we have to take care of our mother, she would be better living with me.


Because of the financial decisions my mother has made, she will lose the apartment, but she says she is not afraid of losing it. She can barely make the monthly payments of the loan.


If she comes to live with me, she will not have to do any monetary contribution, but I would have try to keep her from sending money to her "friend"


What can I do that will not be a legal issue to help my mother?


How can I have her move in with me, even if she doesn't feel she needs to?

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How can you?

Why on earth would you?

Forcing your mother to come and live with you would involve a potentially expensive and traumatic (for her, if not for you) legal process with the result that your very upset mother would then be permanently in your house. Not only very upset mother, but also: if she isn't demented you can't force her; and if she is... then she's very upset and demented. And still in your house.

In any case, this is not the answer to the situation you present. Your mother is being defrauded; and although dementia or mental decline would make her more vulnerable to such scams there are plenty of people in perfect mental health who have fallen victim.

I should get in touch with the relevant law enforcement agencies in her location. Gather as much information as you can about what she's paid and to whom first. When you speak to them, ask also for contact details of victim support organisations who might be able to help.

The idea of trying to do anything about this without "legal issues" is... just unbelievably naïve. Presumably you've been trying to for nine years and your mother is $300K down on the deal. What do you have against getting competent authorities involved?

Once you have done something to protect her from the criminals, possibly organised, who have so successfully targeted her, you can then move on to addressing her health and wellbeing. You say she has been making poor decisions; do you have any other concerns about her physical and mental health?

Please do something now. The emotions your mother must be going through are heart-breaking to think about. Not just anxiety, but shame and fear and guilt - and all because these b*st*rds have stolen her money. And, of course, the cherry on top - she doesn't want to worry you. Pick up the phone and get help.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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She will need to be declared legally incompetent, and that is a legal situation. As for her living with you, does that really sound like a good solution? Why not get her signed for Medicaid and place her in a home. As for wasting her money on scams, that is common with elderly people, my mother won't give up on Publishers Clearing, she always thinks that she has won and they will be knocking on her door with a big check. I get her off of buying their junk for awhile, then I find out that she is starting all over again.
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Reply to DollyMe
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Yikes, a sticky situation! Mom might be making bad decisions, and very well may be getting scammed, but it doesn't make her incompetent. Unless the courts say she is incapacitated, you can't make her move in with you, unfortunately. I've seen cases like this on TV when older women are catfished, and they catch the scammers! You can call your local TV stations to see if they will investigate. Or Dr. Phil! He catches them all the time! And there is a show called Catfish, that is all they do is catch these scammers. You could try to report it to APS, but I don't think they'll do anything about it. I'd be interested to hear the outcome!
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Reply to SofiaAmirpoor
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There truly is nothing BUT a legal solution to this, and it won't be an easy one. Mom is clearly already impaired with the decisions she is making. I think you may have to go to becoming POA for financial under guardianship appointed by a court. This is an elder law situation. The only other solution is to report as an elder abuse problem by visiting the police station for advice, but that is "going over her head" in her decision making when she has not been declared incompetent. Without legal solution I fear there is no way to intervene, and Mom will continue until all is lost. She will then need you as guardian and POA in any case, to apply for medicaid, and the 5 year look back on this???? Not good. So I would see a lawyer now, for their opinion on what to do. If you are not aware who this "friend" is, the truth is that your mother could be in the hands of a Nigerian Fraud ring at this moment. I would start with the police myself, and question as to how to proceed. Have you spoken with her doctor. Does anyone have any POA for healthcare?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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If you can get her to move it would be a good idea to do a room and board agreement and make her pay you so she doesn't have more money to send. You will grow to resent having to pay her way and she doesn't have a penny because she has sent it to a friend.

Are you sure you want her living with you?

I wouldn't move from sunny warm Florida to New Hampshire willingly either, to much cold.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I'm no law expert, but I don't think you'll be able to get her to move in with you until she is declared incompetent. Just because the decisions she makes are bad ones, doesn't mean she is incompetent (in the law's eyes, anyway).

The "I'd just be a burden" is an excuse. She doesn't want anyone meddling (not that you would be meddling, just saying that's how she sees it). She's keeping details of this "friend" quiet, it seems. Her saying she doesn't care about losing the apartment may mean she either doesn't think she'll really lose it, or that the "friend" will rescue her. I'm guessing it's someone she met online?

If she lives with you, she likely will find a way to send the scammer more money. I'm also getting a feeling you would eventually be miserable if she lived with you. This site is full of caregivers who had great intentions but living with the parent after so much living apart brings out a lot of issues from the past.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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