Follow
Share

My dad left my mom with a lot of money when he passed 10 years ago. She shouldn’t need to do anything to make money. Just to spend wisely. She is now 69 and met a 55 yr old man. The man worked part time at a farm type store when they met. Well he got fired, and he drinks 32 cans of beer and mixed drinks a day. He started flirting with her when he came over to help with home repairs. She stopped going to church, started drinking with him. She pays for his insurance and everything else. He is talking to her about investments with her money. Anyone who speaks up - she says doesn’t like them and she cuts them off from communication. They met 2 months ago and plan to marry in the summer. She won’t hear of a prenup neither. Afraid he will leave her poor and alone. I don’t feel that there is anything I can do. Otherwise I’ll be out of her life too. And at least I’m in it right now. Any advice is welcomed.

Find Care & Housing
MinnGirl, You have several issues here and I think it might be best to break them down and then decide which ones have the highest priority.
From what I can see, Here are the major issues , in the order of importance that I can see – You need to prioritize them for yourself
 
1:  MONEY : You want to protect your mothers assets for HER benefit
2: Her change of Lifestyle, or to put it more bluntly, Her dependence on him. (co-dependent: fear of him leaving)
3: Tough Love : Mom doesn’t want to hear anything negative about him so she pushes those who care about her away
 
So.. Let me get right to my suggestions and train of thought.
A)    At her age and circumstance, having a man around “Feels” like Security – it may be the opposite but to her, It Feels like her safety net. Don’t add logic to my statement, See it from HER point of view
B)     Due to A) above, She will most likely conform to what she thinks HE wants her to be. Even at the expense of losing you and the other family members. Very similar to insecure young adults who Change when they start dating. If they are healthy, this change only lasts a little while until the boundaries snap back in place.  In your moms case, it looks more like this will only get worse, not better.  Tip: the more other “push” her , the farther she will distance herself to “protect the relationship with him. 
C)     Money Money Money. It can’t buy love… or can it. Nope, but the Illusion of giving giving giving might be the only thing your mom thinks will satisfy him (especially with a 14 year age difference)
 Ok I typed above before reading all the other posts;
She bought him a new car – Bad but water of the bridge…oh well
She gave him Power of Attorney BAD – Real Friggin Bad = I am certain that this was at HIS request – SCAM and someone else was probably right, The other Girl is probably in on it.
Don’t know the laws in your state but you might want to go to Her Pastor and Doctor and explain the situation , They may have “Intervention” ideas.
Most states have some kind of law regarding guardianship when the individual is not capable to care for themselves. Don’t assume that she is in control of her facilities.
Her Pastor and Doctor will hopefully have more specific information
Now about the POWER of Attorney, Call yourself your Own ELDER LAW Attorney and FAST. 
They might be able to Nullify the POA for the drunk , maybe for duress or Signing under threat (that the drafting attorney wasn’t aware of or could have cared less about)
I’m about to say something nasty about attorneys (some of them,)
Any Attorney that would draw up a Power Of Attorney in these circumstance should be Tared, Feathered and left in the desert. They are a dime a dozen and SCUM . Trust me , My parents had one of these SCUM attorneys who would draft Legally Binding Docs without giving 2 _hits about the consequences. They just wanted their  fee. 
 
Now a few suggestions: Your mom will not let any threat, and that mean you, interfere with the relationship. So heed her warning. Don’t try to convince her he’s a bad guy. You could paste on the fridge copies of arrest warrants, Private eye pictures of him with the other girl and even recordings of the guy and the girls Laughing about how they Took Your Mom and she Still wouldn’t believe he’s scum.  But YOU.. How Dare You try to pull them apart.
Let the Dr. Clergy, Lawyers be the bad guys . You should just spend quality time with her. Who know
 
My Last words: Get the Elder Law Attorney FAST !! with a Power OF Attorney, The money could be gone by now… All Of It .
Might be a good idea to talk to the Bank President about the situation . The Bank Is NOT OBLIGATED TO ACCEPT THE POWER OF ATTORNEY .
But if you don’t inform them They won’t have any reason to suspect somethings up
 
Good Luck
UneekGuy
Ps. I have a few buckets of Tar if you want me to participate (just adding a little humor to a Horrible situation  )
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to uneekguy
Report
ConnieMH71 Mar 18, 2019
Good reply! FYI, you can get POA forms online without a lawyer. Then Notarized.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your mother has been duped by what is called a "catfish". These are men who prey on lonely women and get them to support them and drain their bank accounts. I’ve seen shows about these types and the women always defend them and never believe their children. I would hire a P.I. and present the report to her. At least you can say you tried and didn’t sit idly by while he conned her. The other thing is...yousaid he leaves her house driving drunk at 1 a.m. can you alert the police to this and they can follow and arrest him for DUI?
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Harpcat
Report

I'd reach out to her doctor(s), Adult Protective Services, and your area Agency on Aging. The doctor will not be able to disclose anything to you if you are not on the HIPAA form, but can take any information you submit, and may be able to make suggestions as far as anything that might help. The Agency on Aging might do an investigation for financial exploitation/abuse, as well as same with APS, particularly if this guy has a track record of such. I'm betting this is not his first time taking advantage of an elderly or disabled person.

Another thing you might think about is seeing if your mom would meet with an attorney. Tell her that it's to plan for her future in case something happens and she ever needs long term care, etc, that you worry about that, and want to see if she would be willing to make a plan so that you know her wishes as far as health care and finances, as well as putting some of her money into trust to save for that purpose. Don't mention the guy, or anything about this in front of the guy.

An attorney may be able to persuade her to put at least a good portion of her money into a trust so that it is protected from this guy. Also, if she hasn't done any POA or Advance Directive paperwork, it would be a good time anyway to plan for and talk about that before she does need long term care.

**Oh, I just saw where you said she gave him POA and filled out the Advance Directive. You could still take those to the attorney too and have him/her draft new ones if she would agree to such. Again, maybe the attorney can explain why it would be better to have a next of kin as POA. Depending on how they were done, they may or may not be valid anyway.

One more option that might help prove to her that he is lying about the other woman and would tell more about his history might be to hire a private investigator.

Good luck, and keep us posted. I hate hearing stories like this of elderly being taken advantage of.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to FrazzledMama
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 18, 2019
Frazzled,

True, POA can be changed. My mom once had my oldest brother (heroin addict) named as her POA! I took her to an attorney and had her drop him as POA! Her reason for doing it was so irrational. She felt sorry for him and wanted to build his confidence.

People prey on other’s emotions. So sad.
(4)
Report
Hmm. Can you do any kind of a background check on this guy? Can you make a report to any kind of Elder Abuse agency, that your mom may be being financially abused? Seems like there is something you could do to protect her. He sounds like a con man, and is so, he may have left a trail. Your mom could be in actual danger. But don't tell her that until you do your homework in the background. Good luck, and hugs to you and Mom both!
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to DesertGrl53
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 18, 2019
I agree, DesertGirl

Don’t show your hand. Keep the poker face because she is trying to observe.
(1)
Report
Sorry, you cannot tell Mom how to live. Yes, she is probably making a bad choice, he is probably after her money. Not much you can do if she won't listen. If you are not in the position to support her, tell her that. That if she spends all her money she will be on her own.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Zhaoermia118 Mar 14, 2019
Your assumptions are only partially correct. If you wanted to help, you would regardless.
If you have my level of understanding, you will not be having any doubts.
That all I will say. It’s not like Gladiator. Taking entire movie scripts and assuming it’s entirety will make you delusional and crazy. Using parts of movie scripts to motivate yourself and create the unchallengeable rationale is what legends are made of.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Oh Lord.

Is it possible the MS is causing mental deterioration?

Can you contact an Eldercare attorney and lay this out for him/her and ask advice?

Does she have long term care insurance? Because she should understand that no one is taking her in when he dumps her.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
Countrymouse Mar 15, 2019
Well, they are though, aren't they - Minngirl has already signed up for the salvage job in her heart.

But oh wouldn't it be wonderful to prevent its being needed.
(5)
Report
Is it possible to help the police get him for DUI every time he drives. 32 cans of beer a day
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Mart13
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 18, 2019
Oh, I like that. He needs to be in jail before he kills someone!
(0)
Report
You should be scared! I have seen this scenario too often in the last 30 years - younger man moves in, marries the widow and winds up taking everything and then leaves to find another widow.

Most states have a department that deals with Scamming the Elderly. Find help now, before it is too late.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to RayLinStephens
Report
vonrock Mar 18, 2019
I see it too, and it has no age barrier. Too often
young women, with 2 fatherless kids, no love or money, future of family. More lying boyfriends.

“Too late” the two most important words here.
(5)
Report
Minngirl, I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. It must be painful, and frustrating, to say the least.
It's true that everybody has the right to live how they please, but if one is not helped by family and friends when they are in this kind of horrible situations, then when?

They say pictures speak a thousand words. My first thought was to hire a private investigator and make your mom see pictures of this man with the other woman. It would be painful, but perhaps it's the only thing that could help her opening her eyes. Just my 2 cents.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Arwen31
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 18, 2019
I have a friend who is a PI, she has worked with high level politicans. She is a professional and never divulges information to anyone but when their picture shows up on the evening news and they land in jail we know it was her who took them down. She’s allowed to speak in general terms but not specific info. We fill in the blanks and know who they are.

A good PI can take a person down. My friend is responsible for quite a few people ending up in jail with her evidence. Get that PI!
(4)
Report
I'm sort of in this same situation, minus the drinking and the age difference. I have just come to terms that my mum is going to do what every she wants to do and I can't do anything to stop her. My mum has made bad choices MANY times over the years. What is it with these ladies who want to marry so quickly? Mum met her husband and married within 3 months. I'm over dealing with her crap!

Good Luck, sorry I can't help. But at least you know your not alone.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to mathisawesome
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter