Once again Mom has accused me of not being there for her, abandoning her. And now stealing from her bank account. Last time she said that I started a journal of every day I had come to visit her, or do errands for her or drive her around. It's endless and my journal is full. I work a full time job and luckily I work from home for the company so I had the internet installed at her condo so I could work out of her place once a week, make her a meals etc. I take her out twice a week, have arranged for a cousin to also take her out (I pay her), have hot food come in twice a week...which she says is "garbage". She keeps wanting to cancel it but she can't cook except for scrambled eggs and toast. I had it coming in three times a week, but I cancelled the Friday delivery to plan a routine with her to take her out to dinner myself. People who know her ask me how I do it, dealing with her all the time and I say she is my mom, I have to...but she is mean and nasty. No one in her building likes her. She refuses to acknowledge my husband (jealous), calls him names, he never goes over now or does odd jobs he use to for her. She never says she loves me after I kiss her good-bye each time and say "Love you mom"..she doesn't respond, but tells my only sibling brother out of the country that she loves him on the phone... I laugh actually every time I hear her say it. She lost her drivers licence due to her memory and blames me because I took her to the doctor..he saw something not right with her so he tested her...I could go on and on...but the last straw was last Friday when she was mad at my brother for not bringing her down to his home in Florida (he doesn't want her there after she yelled obscenities to his wife) again jealous of any of our she took it out on me. I had enough, told her so and she went ballistic, told me to get the F out of her house and a whole bunch of other obscenities and accusations that were not true...She has dementia, no doubt about it but she is smart and knows how to cover it, for a bit then people catch on. She needs to go into a home but she refuses. She isn't hurting herself, she is just existing. But I can't go back..and she won't change, but I worry about her, wish things were different. She could have a really good life with us but she only wants me around to do her errands...She feels everyone owes her. Thanks for letting me vent here.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You don't deserve it, no one does. Do what you feel you have to do. If that is to stay away, then do it. Can someone else check on her? Does your brother call her often? Maybe you can just check in with him to see how she is doing without contacting her. He has it easy living out of town. It's you that catches the brunt of things.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Boundries, and there is a book about it.

Your Mom has probably always been this way. Old age makes it worse and Dementia doesn't help.

I don't like being at anyone's beck and call. My nephew and a friend I help have mental challenges and they always want it done now. If not important, its done in my time. My Mom was not a problem but I worked p/t. So, her appts were made during the time or days I could do it. We took one day a week and did shopping. Her pharmacy was near me so easy to pick her prescriptions up.

Take a day and tel, Mom that is her day. Shopping and lunch. Any errands she needs done. When she starts getting nasty tell her you will not put up with it any longer. If she refuses to stop, take her home and leave. No fighting, just go and tell her that when she can show you respect, you will be back.
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Reply to JoAnn29

I am in a similar situation. I understand and offer support as i am trying to figure out how to adjust my involvement to save my sanity. Hurt feelings are a constant. I don't know if my mom has dementia but sometimes i question if she's losing it a little bit. I have four siblings who all live in the same city within 20-30 minutes of her and it had fallen on me being closest to be there. Now she's becoming very unreasonable and saying so many hurtful things. I decided to stay away for a while and i have a brother who is paying his daughter to help her get to appointments and run errands. I used to talk to her daily on the phone, now i don't call or text (its been about two weeks). I'm hurt, I'm angry, it dredges up a lot of hurt feelings from long ago. So I get it, you can vent here. No one will judge you (except yourself), because I do it to myself. She texted me once because she needed something, very curt, no hi or hello, just send me this.
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Reply to StressedOut44
RWM7403 Mar 6, 2019
I totally get it my mom lives with us in her own seperate apartment if its not 1 complaint its another its seems she has a circle and she goes around and around i'm hot i'm cold the hairdresser doesn't do my hair right the list goes on instead of being grateful that i built her her own apartment so she doesn't have to be alone she's nasty and very hurtful i'm feeling very overwhelmed and very unappreciative my husband and i haven't had a weekend away for 2 years now and forget about a vacation in about 10+ i am the only child my brother passed and my dad is also gone and the funny thing is i used to get mad at him for treating her bad now i understand i just look up and say now i get it just venting
Wwagon wheel and Marisa, I think you both should stay away from this abuse. You might say why to the person creating this. This question is posted many times and most people on this site give this answer. You are not alone by any means.

Anyone who treats someone this way does not deserve the help that is being provided to them. I feel you also have to mentally disconnect. You take your mother out to dinner frequently and this is your reward.

I realize it is difficult to age however not all aged people treat people this way. Sadly many do but if you are not around them they can't treat you any way. If they want any help in the future simply give them the ultimatum that the price of the help is respect.
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Reply to Riverdale

I'm new here and was actually trying to read other posts from people experiencing what I am. Your situation is similar to mine.
I also need advice, and I'm in no position to offer any, but I do have a question for you. How long was it when she cussed you out? How long have you been no contact with her?
If it's just recently and you're anything like me, you'll move on past her nastiness and go back for more abuse because you still want to be sure she's okay. If it's been a long time that you haven't had contact (a long time to me is a month or more) than I would think it keeps getting easier to stay out of her life. But I might be wrong. I've never been able to do that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Marisa

Um. I'm not one to contradict, normally, but I don't think your mother could have a really good life with you, or with any other family member, if you'll forgive my saying so. Her anger, loss of inhibition, negativity and irrational reactions make it sound as if caring for her at home is no longer a realistic option.

I am not blaming her. She won't change, because she can't. I think you are probably spot on recognising the dementia, I seriously doubt if it can continue to be handled as is, and I think you need to start some balls rolling. Have you been able to discuss this with any medical or care professionals?

So to answer the question meanwhile: it is okay to stay away from her, yes, absolutely; but you do need to get certain safety nets in place first. Plus, once you have, you may find that as her dementia progresses and she has a better care structure, you don't need to insulate yourself quite so completely.

Take heart! There will be options.
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Reply to Countrymouse

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