We put her in a home yesterday, on my birthday, it was horrible,a blood curdling scream,her fist to her mouth,It was a nightmare we need help dealing with this?are there any free services in north vancouver? Please help us.
my mom has moderate dementia and bone marrow cancer.The cancer isn't aggressive at this point,but I know she's had mental issues for a couple of years.I live in chilliwack and it's an hour and a half drive each way.Visiting her and trying to get her condo together to sell is so exhausting.I appreciate your feedback.Glad i found this sight
How long your mom takes to settle depends on many factors. My mom is a very compliant person, a real rule follower. We visited often right after her transfer, but there was and is a high level of trust between her and the rest of the family. In the case of a narcissist, demanding person, I would indeed back off and let them get used to the new situation. Hugs
The thing she may have feared the most has happened. I say do what you can to help her realize that, though it bascially sucks, it is not as BAD as she feared. It is a combination of being away enough so that she can bond with staff and realize she can trust them to care for her, and having visits that maybe include sharing meals and bringing her things so that she realizes she is not abandoned and staff realize you are involved and going to stay that way. I don't think there is one right or wrong way to do this, and I say that as someone who did have to be told not to visit every day especially when getting a lot of verbal abuse/taken for granted syndrome in effect...I do not think it would have been the right thing for me and my mom to be required to have no contact for two weeks, but it may not be the wrong thing for you. Visits may need to be short and sweet, or even centered around a chore or activity; there is a lot that you just have to play by ear and do the best you can with it. Goals are for Mom to be well-cared for, as comfortable and happy as possible, and for family to keep their sanity and ability to function and carry on.
Having worked in dedicated dementia units in LTC and Memory Care in AL, I feel that 2weeks is not unreasonable time to allow adjustment. You can still speak with the SW or a unit coordinator to check on your Mom. Also the facility may have a support group or can refer you to a community group. Good Luck in this painful and difficult time!LIONDOG
My mom went to skilled nursing last fall and it was very difficult for my sister and I. I don't know your mom's situation/illness, but with mine we learned a surprise lesson. Mom was nasty and throwing on the guilt with us, non-compliant and argued with the staff about everything from assessments to tests to what meds they were giving her. But when we weren't there, she was agreeable and pleasant. So we stayed away for all key things, including the transfer to the NH. When she was in the NH, we did see her every day for the first week because my sister was from out of town. But the visits were short, which helped her adjust, to learn to rely on the staff. And it gave us time to try to rest, heal and take care of ourselves. We also learned from staff that she behaved differently when we were there, they said they saw it from mothers of daughters. I often time my visits for meals as the diversion of others keeps her in a more upbeat mood. We find comfort in knowing she's safe and well cared for. Sending you hug as it's difficult even when you know it's best.
This isn't quite the same, but when my 3 year old son cried and screamed when we put him in coop preschool (his twin was a happy camper), the teachers and parents said NOT to be in the same room with him - that he would stop after a week or so...and he did. Why not try checking in daily - visiting briefly to bring something fun for your mom's room or coming in specifically for a craft time or song time or whatever - and then leaving, don't hang around without a specific thing to do. I also agree with Sacrifice777 in that the staff should see you there for your mom. It helps the caregivers to see your mom as a person and not a patient when they see you with her. This is true for hospital staff as well. I hope you'll post a follow up so we can see what worked for you.
Rockinronnie, my heart goes out to you and your sister. I am sure it was already a hard decision to make; now the adjustment is equally as hard I'm sure. After working in a nursing home I would never stay away from my parent for two weeks. You definitely need a day or two to recoup but your presence to the staff is very important. No matter how nice the facility, stay in close contact with the staff as it can sometimes make the difference in them caring for your loved one. In addition to seeking a social worker please also seek an active support group who will thoroughly understand what you are going through. I know it feels like a nightmare that you would like to awaken from, but moving toward the realization that this is your new normal is the first step to adjusting. I cannot say that it will get better; but I can say that your higher power will give you strength you never thought you had to endure this situation. Praying for you and your family.
Ask the social worker for the names and locations of support groups. Or call senior services at your local health dept. It can help with your feelings of guilt and knowing you are not alone. Mom must have needed placement or she wouldn't be there. If you are acting in her best interest, that's the important thing. Good luck to you.
It is surprising how many elderly are prescribed medication in care facilities. Many are prescribed medication which is not appropriate but makes it easier for the staff.
My heart goes out to you. It is one of the most difficult things that so many of us have had to go through with our parents. But, she is there for a reason and as time goes on, it does get easier. It is such an emotional adjustment for all concerned. It helped my mother to have her "things" around her. Any of her favorite pictures, prints, bedspread, etc. help to give a homey feeling to the new environment. It helps if she can have a window view, if possible. My mother changed rooms a few times over a period of time.
Don't know your mother's condition; but anti-anxiety medication can help tremendously. I found wonderful support from the local Elder Services. Most areas should provide this service and the social workers and staff are so well trained. I don't know what I would have done without their support. They saved my sanity. Hopefully there is a Counsel on Aging or something of this nature in your area. Hugs to you across the miles.
I don't know about two weeks - depends what she's in the NH for - but do at least give yourself 48 hours to lie down and get your breath back. Just as things always look better in the morning, so it is much easier to keep perspective when your mother's screams aren't still ringing in your ears. Could you provide a bit more background, please?
I'm so sorry you and your sister had to go through that. That you all have to go through this. Many of us have been there and it is horrible.
The facility is likely to have a social worker on staff. Get in touch with him/her and talk to her about what you're going through. My dad's facility had a great social worker. She was overworked and it was hard to get her to do things but she was sweet and a great listener, always willing to help. We talked to her off and on throughout my dad's stay at the facility.
These first few days and weeks will be very difficult for your mom and for you. It's a huge adjustment for everyone. Your mom may be angry, may blame you and your sister. Just keep loving her and don't doubt that you did the right thing. Your profile has no information on your mom so I don't know if she has dementia but if she does she may begin to tell wild stories about abuse and being the victim of theft. Since she has dementia her word can't be believed so try not to react to every little thing she says. Of course, none of this may happen at all.
I know how difficult it is. I put my dad in a facility as well and while it was best for him, my heart still breaks when I think of it.
Why not try checking in daily - visiting briefly to bring something fun for your mom's room or coming in specifically for a craft time or song time or whatever - and then leaving, don't hang around without a specific thing to do.
I also agree with Sacrifice777 in that the staff should see you there for your mom. It helps the caregivers to see your mom as a person and not a patient when they see you with her. This is true for hospital staff as well.
I hope you'll post a follow up so we can see what worked for you.
to the staff is very important. No matter how nice the facility, stay in close contact with the staff as it can sometimes make the difference in them caring for your loved one. In addition to seeking a social worker please also seek an active support group who will thoroughly understand what you are going through. I know it feels like a nightmare that you would like to awaken from, but moving toward the realization that this is your new normal is the first step to adjusting. I cannot say that it will get better; but I can say that your higher power will give you strength you never thought you had to endure this situation. Praying for you and your family.
Don't know your mother's condition; but anti-anxiety medication can help tremendously. I found wonderful support from the local Elder Services. Most areas should provide this service and the social workers and staff are so well trained. I don't know what I would have done without their support. They saved my sanity. Hopefully there is a Counsel on Aging or something of this nature in your area. Hugs to you across the miles.
The facility is likely to have a social worker on staff. Get in touch with him/her and talk to her about what you're going through. My dad's facility had a great social worker. She was overworked and it was hard to get her to do things but she was sweet and a great listener, always willing to help. We talked to her off and on throughout my dad's stay at the facility.
These first few days and weeks will be very difficult for your mom and for you. It's a huge adjustment for everyone. Your mom may be angry, may blame you and your sister. Just keep loving her and don't doubt that you did the right thing. Your profile has no information on your mom so I don't know if she has dementia but if she does she may begin to tell wild stories about abuse and being the victim of theft. Since she has dementia her word can't be believed so try not to react to every little thing she says. Of course, none of this may happen at all.
I know how difficult it is. I put my dad in a facility as well and while it was best for him, my heart still breaks when I think of it.