Where do my sister and I get help dealing with putting my Mom in a home?

I'm so sorry you and your sister had to go through that. That you all have to go through this. Many of us have been there and it is horrible.

The facility is likely to have a social worker on staff. Get in touch with him/her and talk to her about what you're going through. My dad's facility had a great social worker. She was overworked and it was hard to get her to do things but she was sweet and a great listener, always willing to help. We talked to her off and on throughout my dad's stay at the facility.

These first few days and weeks will be very difficult for your mom and for you. It's a huge adjustment for everyone. Your mom may be angry, may blame you and your sister. Just keep loving her and don't doubt that you did the right thing. Your profile has no information on your mom so I don't know if she has dementia but if she does she may begin to tell wild stories about abuse and being the victim of theft. Since she has dementia her word can't be believed so try not to react to every little thing she says. Of course, none of this may happen at all.

I know how difficult it is. I put my dad in a facility as well and while it was best for him, my heart still breaks when I think of it.

Stay away for two weeks and let her settle in or the screaming will continue.

I don't know about two weeks - depends what she's in the NH for - but do at least give yourself 48 hours to lie down and get your breath back. Just as things always look better in the morning, so it is much easier to keep perspective when your mother's screams aren't still ringing in your ears. Could you provide a bit more background, please?

Pam is right. Stay away for two weeks and let her settle in or the screaming will continue.

My heart goes out to you. It is one of the most difficult things that so many of us have had to go through with our parents. But, she is there for a reason and as time goes on, it does get easier. It is such an emotional adjustment for all concerned. It helped my mother to have her "things" around her. Any of her favorite pictures, prints, bedspread, etc. help to give a homey feeling to the new environment. It helps if she can have a window view, if possible. My mother changed rooms a few times over a period of time.

Don't know your mother's condition; but anti-anxiety medication can help tremendously. I found wonderful support from the local Elder Services. Most areas should provide this service and the social workers and staff are so well trained. I don't know what I would have done without their support. They saved my sanity. Hopefully there is a Counsel on Aging or something of this nature in your area. Hugs to you across the miles.

It is surprising how many elderly are prescribed medication in care facilities. Many are prescribed medication which is not appropriate but makes it easier for the staff.

Ask the social worker for the names and locations of support groups. Or call senior services at your local health dept. It can help with your feelings of guilt and knowing you are not alone. Mom must have needed placement or she wouldn't be there. If you are acting in her best interest, that's the important thing. Good luck to you.

Rockinronnie, my heart goes out to you and your sister. I am sure it was already a hard decision to make; now the adjustment is equally as hard I'm sure. After working in a nursing home I would never stay away from my parent for two weeks. You definitely need a day or two to recoup but your presence
to the staff is very important. No matter how nice the facility, stay in close contact with the staff as it can sometimes make the difference in them caring for your loved one. In addition to seeking a social worker please also seek an active support group who will thoroughly understand what you are going through. I know it feels like a nightmare that you would like to awaken from, but moving toward the realization that this is your new normal is the first step to adjusting. I cannot say that it will get better; but I can say that your higher power will give you strength you never thought you had to endure this situation. Praying for you and your family.

This isn't quite the same, but when my 3 year old son cried and screamed when we put him in coop preschool (his twin was a happy camper), the teachers and parents said NOT to be in the same room with him - that he would stop after a week or so...and he did.
Why not try checking in daily - visiting briefly to bring something fun for your mom's room or coming in specifically for a craft time or song time or whatever - and then leaving, don't hang around without a specific thing to do.
I also agree with Sacrifice777 in that the staff should see you there for your mom. It helps the caregivers to see your mom as a person and not a patient when they see you with her. This is true for hospital staff as well.
I hope you'll post a follow up so we can see what worked for you.

My mom went to skilled nursing last fall and it was very difficult for my sister and I. I don't know your mom's situation/illness, but with mine we learned a surprise lesson. Mom was nasty and throwing on the guilt with us, non-compliant and argued with the staff about everything from assessments to tests to what meds they were giving her. But when we weren't there, she was agreeable and pleasant. So we stayed away for all key things, including the transfer to the NH. When she was in the NH, we did see her every day for the first week because my sister was from out of town. But the visits were short, which helped her adjust, to learn to rely on the staff. And it gave us time to try to rest, heal and take care of ourselves. We also learned from staff that she behaved differently when we were there, they said they saw it from mothers of daughters. I often time my visits for meals as the diversion of others keeps her in a more upbeat mood. We find comfort in knowing she's safe and well cared for. Sending you hug as it's difficult even when you know it's best.

Having worked in dedicated dementia units in LTC and Memory Care in AL, I feel that 2weeks is not unreasonable time to allow adjustment. You can still speak with the SW or a unit coordinator to check on your Mom. Also the facility may have a support group or can refer you to a community group. Good Luck in this painful and difficult time!LIONDOG

The thing she may have feared the most has happened. I say do what you can to help her realize that, though it bascially sucks, it is not as BAD as she feared. It is a combination of being away enough so that she can bond with staff and realize she can trust them to care for her, and having visits that maybe include sharing meals and bringing her things so that she realizes she is not abandoned and staff realize you are involved and going to stay that way. I don't think there is one right or wrong way to do this, and I say that as someone who did have to be told not to visit every day especially when getting a lot of verbal abuse/taken for granted syndrome in effect...I do not think it would have been the right thing for me and my mom to be required to have no contact for two weeks, but it may not be the wrong thing for you. Visits may need to be short and sweet, or even centered around a chore or activity; there is a lot that you just have to play by ear and do the best you can with it. Goals are for Mom to be well-cared for, as comfortable and happy as possible, and for family to keep their sanity and ability to function and carry on.

How long your mom takes to settle depends on many factors. My mom is a very compliant person, a real rule follower. We visited often right after her transfer, but there was and is a high level of trust between her and the rest of the family. In the case of a narcissist, demanding person, I would indeed back off and let them get used to the new situation. Hugs

my mom has moderate dementia and bone marrow cancer.The cancer isn't aggressive at this point,but I know she's had mental issues for a couple of years.I live in chilliwack and it's an hour and a half drive each way.Visiting her and trying to get her condo together to sell is so exhausting.I appreciate your feedback.Glad i found this sight

Give yourselves a breather and let your mom get settled. Call someone on staff everyday. Ask to talk to someone who will be there several days in a row so you can get a thorough report and gauge her progress.
With the commute you have to go see your mom, it's certainly understandable that you need to be practical about this. Go see her (and bring more of her things) once the staff person reports that she's settled in a little, then figure out a schedule of visits that will work for you and her.

Forgive me for stating my experience. But I have to relate it and take it for what is worth. The head nurse advised me not to visit my mom for 2 weeks at least while in the pysche ward where dementia patients go. My mother had a simple UTI and she was well for her dementia. When I went to see her, I had to run to the bathroom and just cry, she is active and was sitting there drooling with the medicine I asked blatanly not to give her which is haldol. Medical strait jacket. Last time I went to ICU with my mom for another UTI I stayed there everyday and slept there. Hospital psychosis is real, and it should be touted as an illness such as seasonal depression disorder etc. When I stay with her or my daughter she ALWAYS bounces back. But again that is my opinion. Their suggestion may work for others, but you know your loved one best. Good Luck!

Kay, you are talking about being in the hospital, not in a skilled nursing facility, yes? Yes, my mom has had hospital psychosis also (before she had dementia) so I know what you're talking about.

I've been a mess since yesterday afternoon,it's been 4 days since i've visited my mom in her new home.She has always been needy and selfish,they said they gave her a mild sedative,I'm really hoping this works.When I come home i'm emotional for days.if she hasn't adjusted what do I do?

Keep in mind that there is nothing that you can do. My mom is 95. I have to stay away from the NH, or she starts relying on me, instead of the staff. Your mom is not going to be happy, no matter where she is. You have to take care of you.

Is there someone else, besides you and your sister, that can check on your mom?
You know, your mom may have no concept of time. She may not know if you visited every day or every week.

Is it possible to check on your mom, from afar? Like taking a peek, while they are all in the dining room?

Rockinronnie - It will take time to adjust with many ups and downs. If she has always been needy and selfish, she will mostly likely have resentment, etc. Hopefully, the mild sedative did help. After she is there a while, you will form relationships with the nurses, staff and this is most important. They should never be giving your mother any stronger meds without your knowledge or consent. The above story about hospital psychosis and strong meds are frightening. I found with my mother that a mild sedative helped her.

Just keep in mind that especially with certain types of personalities, they will never be happy. The nursing home my mother was in had many activities to take part in and functions on an on-going basis. It took her time to take part in all this. She was stubborn and even though the staff and I encouraged her; she did it in her own time. The social worker at my mother's NH was a great source of comfort and encouragement for me. I also was in contact with Elder Services and they helped me as well. This is extremely difficult; but you are doing what is best for your mother and to keep her safe. Hugs and take care.

I would never put my husband in a nursing home. The best of them are far less than satisfactory; they are all short-handed and nobody could care for him as I do. I think a caregiver should consider a nursing home only as a very last resort. Plus they are very expensive, and in order for Medicaid to pay for it, you have to be practically destitute.

Wow, this is exactly what my sister and I were talking about tonight. We know my dad will throw a tantrum, threaten and or scream and may want to walk out and we thought we would not know how to cope. And this thread is our answer.
Thank you, its good to know you're not alone.

Eyerishlass, I wish you both all the best and I am sure it'll get better with time.

Why do people post things like "I would never" on posts where people have had to do the very thing that person would never do? Just keep that to yourself. How is that helpful?

I'm not even sure willows is a real person. Maybe just a mythical being, all powerful and all knowing, or perhaps extremely wealthy, a Leona Helmsley who has "little people" to take care of things.

Kaywalls, maybe they can give a little Cogentin with that Haldol if it is otherwise helpful for psychosis. I had a hard time staying on top of my mom's meds too.

I think willows is entitled to her opinion. The fact is home care is what seniors want and is the best placement until needs are too great There is more support needed for families that want to go this route.

Yes, but "I would never" has an undertone of "I am a better person than you all." It is not always true that you can give better care yourself, sometimes because you can't physically do it, other times because the person you care for won't allow it, or will be more likely to demand and get care they do not need which will actually be harmful to them. And it is hard to realize that "I would never" can unexpectedly turn into "Now I have to" for any number of reasons as well.

I'm sure she's a real person though. Providing care yourself at home may work out wonderfully well. We have to realize most of us are on here because it was not wonderful in our situation, and comments with "I would never" in them trigger the guilt, usually false guilt, and the regrets we may have. I wish my Mom could have gotten a little home health and stayed home til the day she passed on, and I think that's what she wanted to, but I could not make that happen.

Wiilow sounds just like my Aunt Murial; she cared for my Uncle Harold, with dementia, for many years, alone. She and my uncle moved away from family rather suddenly (we realize in retrospect). My cousins realized that their dad was forgetful and had lost most of his ability to speak, but it wasn't until they showed up unexpectedly once (to surpise their mom) that they saw the bruises she usually covered up with long sleeved tops in the Florida heat. He was beating her everyday to get the keys to the double and triple locked doors. They arranged for a geriatric care manager to assist her in finding good AL/Memory care for him. And as is often pointed out here, she died three years before he did; no one in the family has any doubt that her massive and fatal heart attack was brought on by the stress of caring for him. Just a brief cautionary tale about what denial can do. I'm sure Willow is real and just needing to be well defended in her decisions. Hugs to you all.

I have a patient family situation right now where a custodial relative is of the mind set that they can and should do it all themselves - no formal therapy or preschool -and despite demonstrating correct techniques again and again does not quite get it. So the patient is not making the progress they should be making, and is even developing contractures. In that case, it is actually easier for the caregiver to do it all themself, very pleasant young patient, lots of fun to be with and care for, but easier is defintiely not better for the patient. Some of the stretching exercise has to be done the hard way for it to work, and doing it the easy way (not lazy - but being unable to grasp the difference between the easy way and right way) is going to cause grief down the road for sure, and not very far down the road at all.

When your mother has bone marrow cancer and moderate dementia,it is very difficult to care for her,bones are easily broken.She has been mentally abusive her whole life.Undiagnosed mental issues.She is starting to adapt,they treat her very well.not all rest homes are bad.