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My mama died on Friday, June 20th. I haven't really cried since she died. I feel kind of numb; I don't know why, as I saw her take her last breath. But I feel like at a loss, I guess. I just don't know. I keep waiting for it to hit me but it hasn't. It just doesn't feel real.

I think you have expectations of grief that may NOT come. You will only know what the passage through grief brings you when it arrives.
For me I couldn't imagine being without my Mom, my Dad and especially my beloved brother. But was surprised to realize when I went outside and gazed up at the stars that what I felt most clearly was relief. That I didn't have to fear for their pain, for what torment would come at them next, for standing witness helplessly to their agonies.

Let the process come. Write if you can in a journal; I wrote directly TO my brother, about memories, about feelings, sometimes just about what I saw that day that would make us laugh together, and I decorated it with collage; it was a comfort to me for just under a year.

My heart goes out to you in your loss. And I am glad you understand that this is GRIEF. So many mistake it for guilt, things undone, things unsaid. And that is a mistake you can skip, having to there to the last moments. To this old RN death is the last journey of a lifetime--a passage I am curious about and almost look forward to at 82. You please take care of yourself and treasure your memories.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Numb is a way you are dealing with the hurt.
It allows you "not to feel" how much you hurt.
Like any numbness it will eventually wear off. Then comes the tricky part how to deal with something that hurts so much.
You can chose to deal with it by hiding, or trying to keep the numb feeling with drugs or alcohol or other self destructive behavior. OR you can honor your mom and do something that would make her proud. (I can tell by what you have written that you loved your mom and I am sure this is what she would want)
You can take care of your family and continue to pass on what she taught you
You can find another purpose and Volunteer, go back to school, find a work that you love. Something that will fill you.
Sometimes I wonder if I do all that I do as a way to have a reason to get up, take a shower and get out of the house because I feel a need to "give back" OR do I get up take a shower and get out of the house because I don't want to clean the house. 🤣

Give yourself time to heal.
There is NO timeline for grief. Do not let anyone try to rush you through this.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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It is a shock when a beloved parent dies. Being with them in their last moments, the body … Every detail is so painful.

Give yourself time to grieve. The hurt does soften with time. My deepest condolences for your loss.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. I recall feeling much like you describe when my mother died, just rather numb. Grief comes in many forms and in changing waves. All of it is okay, however you’re feeling, don’t put expectations on yourself that you should be feeling anything in particular. GriefShare groups have been a help to many, you might want to find one in your area. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Years ago, my beloved brother was murdered. I went through the entire aftermath, funeral planning, investigation meetings, etc. without shedding a tear. I was even criticized for it. Lack of crying is not a symptom of not caring. On the contrary, sometimes the pain is so devastating, crying just isn’t the first response.

Rest assured, it will come when you feel safe and strong enough to do so. And it may show up unexpectedly, like over a tv commercial. I think we often feel that, if we let go, we will never get it back together again. But we do, and we continue on, even when we think we can’t.

Wishing you peace.
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Reply to Monomoyick
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I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a loss but know that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Everyone’s grief is different and is ever changing. I would strongly recommend that you seek some type of grief support. If your mother was on hospice, they should be reaching out regarding their bereavement services but you don’t have to wait. You can call them and ask to speak to someone right away or see what groups they provide. If it’s difficult to get out, there are online support groups. The hospice agency we used offers ongoing grief support groups for anyone in the community, in person and virtually. Please don’t try to go this alone, posting here was a first step.
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Reply to MidwestOT
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Grief does cause fogginess and exhaustion. Even though it is hard, please be sure to drink water with electrolytes.

I find grief is very physical and very dehydrating. Please be sure to take care of yourself and rest whenever needed. Don’t over tax yourself right now.

Give yourself time and space to let it in. Not all of us are fall apart the same day grievers. I have to let it in a little at a time because it’s so painful.

You have my thoughts and my condolences. I’m sorry your mom died.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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It will come when your mind is ready to accept it.

Mine came, while I was chopping vegetables, the kitchen TV was on, and a very old show, The Rifle Man, was on. Little mark, was playing Greensleeves on his guitar, a song my father often played on his violin.

So sorry for your loss. 🫂😓
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Reply to Drivingdaisy
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Reply to cover9339
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Both my aging parents died this past November, a week apart of each other. I had been taking care of them for the last 10 years since my father's dementia diagnosis. My Dad went first, then a week later, my Mom. I was there in hospice for both of them til their end and I thought I was doing well because I was sad, but wasn't crying. Basically holding it together for everyone through the wake and funeral. For months I kept shaking my head thinking was that all real? Then six months in, it finally hit me that they were both gone and not coming back. Now I'm finally able to grieve. I feel like I have PTSD when I see elderly people and just start crying. Everyone's process is different. I was almost upset at myself because I couldn't cry and thought, wow, am I just so relieved at not having to take care of them anymore. No, I was and still am numb from years of caregiving and now their loss. The only relief was not seeing them suffer anymore. 
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Reply to SweetlySalty
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