My mama died on Friday, June 20th. I haven't really cried since she died. I feel kind of numb; I don't know why, as I saw her take her last breath. But I feel like at a loss, I guess. I just don't know. I keep waiting for it to hit me but it hasn't. It just doesn't feel real.
For me I couldn't imagine being without my Mom, my Dad and especially my beloved brother. But was surprised to realize when I went outside and gazed up at the stars that what I felt most clearly was relief. That I didn't have to fear for their pain, for what torment would come at them next, for standing witness helplessly to their agonies.
Let the process come. Write if you can in a journal; I wrote directly TO my brother, about memories, about feelings, sometimes just about what I saw that day that would make us laugh together, and I decorated it with collage; it was a comfort to me for just under a year.
My heart goes out to you in your loss. And I am glad you understand that this is GRIEF. So many mistake it for guilt, things undone, things unsaid. And that is a mistake you can skip, having to there to the last moments. To this old RN death is the last journey of a lifetime--a passage I am curious about and almost look forward to at 82. You please take care of yourself and treasure your memories.
It allows you "not to feel" how much you hurt.
Like any numbness it will eventually wear off. Then comes the tricky part how to deal with something that hurts so much.
You can chose to deal with it by hiding, or trying to keep the numb feeling with drugs or alcohol or other self destructive behavior. OR you can honor your mom and do something that would make her proud. (I can tell by what you have written that you loved your mom and I am sure this is what she would want)
You can take care of your family and continue to pass on what she taught you
You can find another purpose and Volunteer, go back to school, find a work that you love. Something that will fill you.
Sometimes I wonder if I do all that I do as a way to have a reason to get up, take a shower and get out of the house because I feel a need to "give back" OR do I get up take a shower and get out of the house because I don't want to clean the house. 🤣
Give yourself time to heal.
There is NO timeline for grief. Do not let anyone try to rush you through this.
Give yourself time to grieve. The hurt does soften with time. My deepest condolences for your loss.
Rest assured, it will come when you feel safe and strong enough to do so. And it may show up unexpectedly, like over a tv commercial. I think we often feel that, if we let go, we will never get it back together again. But we do, and we continue on, even when we think we can’t.
Wishing you peace.
I find grief is very physical and very dehydrating. Please be sure to take care of yourself and rest whenever needed. Don’t over tax yourself right now.
Give yourself time and space to let it in. Not all of us are fall apart the same day grievers. I have to let it in a little at a time because it’s so painful.
You have my thoughts and my condolences. I’m sorry your mom died.
Mine came, while I was chopping vegetables, the kitchen TV was on, and a very old show, The Rifle Man, was on. Little mark, was playing Greensleeves on his guitar, a song my father often played on his violin.
So sorry for your loss. 🫂😓
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