My mom broke her knee cap and lives in an apt upstairs she needs rehab but wants to live with me. So since my original post I got my mom into a SNF for rehab on her knee. Today I had a meeting with social services and she hinted that 10 days is the norm for discharging patients and that would probably be happening soon. Even if I could get her upstairs , the social worker says she will need to be looked after. Mom can not bend her knee for another 4 weeks wears a big heavy brace and can not get up, can not go to the bathroom by herself. I asked her what are my options if they discharge her and I can not take care of her and refuse to take her, she said she could give me a number to a board and care facility that I could call. I told her my mom has no money and can not pay for that, and Medicaid doesn't cover that. She told me I need to put together a plan A ,B and C. We have no other family. I told her my plan was for her to stay there until she can get around, get up, and go to the bathroom by herself. And then, I may consider her coming with me for a week or two until she can get approved for In Home Care. But that I can't stay home 24 hours a day, and change diapers etc. she gave me the impression they would be discharging her this next week. Can anyone help me? I am in California, she has Medicare and Medi-cal. If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off. What will they do with her if I don't take her? Please don't judge me, I really need help on what options I have. I am confused and stressed and sad for what my life will be. I feel like the social worker did nothing but try and bully me into taking my mother.

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"And then, I may consider her coming with me for a week or two until she can get approved for In Home Care."

And then you write: "If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off."

Then please do not take her in with you for that "week or two"!

You are correct; that social worker is bullying you. One thing to realize is that it's easier for HER if you agree to take your mother in or to provide care for her. It's not your job to make it easier for the social worker.

"Unsafe discharge," as is stated above, is the key phrase you need to remember. Don't waffle on what you might do; set very very firm boundaries. You will NOT take care of your mother or have her come to live with you for any length of time, for any reason.
Helpful Answer (17)

Even if your mother " wants to live with you", you are in charge of you.

You CAN say " no, I can't possibly do that, I can't care for my mother in my home and I can't pay for her care".

Stand firm.
Helpful Answer (16)

I particularly, absolutely LOVE this sentence:

"She told me I need to put together a plan A ,B and C."

Your social worker seems to be having a little trouble with her pronouns.

THEY need to put together a plan A, B, C.

YOU make it clear - and I should keep it simple, as per Barb's suggested formula - that you are not A, B, C, Z or any other letter in any known alphabet.

Oo. Just a thought. You didn't sign any undertakings as part of the process of getting her admitted to rehab, did you?
Helpful Answer (14)

Jules, no worries. Most on this site understand where you are. There comes a point that all of us reach the end of our rope and know we can't provide care any longer. You need to be very FIRM, unrelenting, and tell them she needs more care than you can provide. Tell them the home is not safe for her. Tell them you WILL NOT bring her home. Tell them they need to continue her care or arrange a nursing home that will accept Medicaid.

They get to a point that many just cannot continue he and it is not worth feeling badly Bout her lIfe of planning.
Helpful Answer (12)

Jules, we hear from a lot of adult children like yourself, who have become trapped into providing 24/7  or an otherwise overwhelming level of care for abusive or difficult parents. Stay strong and continue to advise the rehab that you are unable to care for her, she lives alone and her apartment has stairs, and that they need to arrange care for her as discharging her to her apartment will be an "unsafe discharge" (a key phrase, apparently). Do not pick her up.

Helpful Answer (11)

Refuse to be bullied, tell the so called social worker you will not take your mom, period. You DO NOT NEED TO GIVE A REASON, they do try to bully and guilt family so they don't have to do their job.

I am seething at this, I had a very similar situation but, I did not know anything or have any resources at that time, it took ten years off my life and aged me like 15 years. Si I get really ticked when I here someone else is going through the same crap.

As others have said, Not a safe release plan, unsafe release, you are not an option, PERIOD!

Are you willing to tell them that they need to get approval for her to stay or find her a safe place to be released to until she is self sufficient and then walk away, no visits, no calls, no anything? This is tough but it may be what is needed to force them to do their jobs.

Uugghh, the medical industry is so frustrating.

Stay firm and strong and do not let your mom come to your home at all.
Helpful Answer (10)

Don't put her in your car.

I know this sounds a touch paranoid, but what you must not allow - the line not to cross - is for your mother to be your responsibility at any point. At no time must she be in your control. When she is transported, it is done by a service which takes her from point A to point B and nothing else. If she's in your car and you get to point B and they say "sorry no room..." if you're an ambulance driver, you return her to point A. If you're you, you're well and truly stuck.

You wait 'til she's got there and settled in, then you turn up with flowers and a hug. But Do Not Pick Her Up, literally or metaphorically.
Helpful Answer (10)

Are you willing to lose your significant other because you can't say no to your mom?

She is manipulating the situation by telling social workers that she is coming to stay with you, are you willing to be manipulated every minute of everyday until she decides otherwise? Is it really fair to her, to let her come to your house knowing you are not able to care for her? Why is she not working on a solution to her problem? Because she knows she can push you around.

I hope you find the strength to preserve your life and tell her no.

I am not trying to hurt you, I just know you will regret it if you don't say no.

Are you willing to live in misery because she failed to plan?

Can you see a future for yourself with her as your live in parent, you and her and no one else because she has taken over your life?

This will sound harsh and maybe cruel, but, get a spine and stand up to your abusive mom if you want a life.
Helpful Answer (10)

Jules...sorry don't mean to be harsh but when they give you the two day notice contact them immediately and tell them flat you are not able to care for her and they need to look into other options such as skilled nursing. Be firm and if need be state it very strongly if they don't listen. Then call your Mom's doctor and tell him that they are trying to force you to take your Mom and that you are not able to care for her and there is no one else there who can. I would not ask what will happen if you don't take her....I would just flat state to them that you cannot. I did that when my honey kept talking about checking himself out or being released to home, and then was told by the nurses etc that he said it would be ok if they release him to home. I told them flat, I will not allow him to come home in the condition he is in as I cannot care for him and there is no one else here who can....period. They moved him to a skilled nursing center with rehab (he even thanked me afterward). With a broken knee this is what you Mom needs. Don't let them force you into taking her. I know you are an adult and can make your own decisions, but I remember what it was like with my honey from February until he went in the hospital in May (2018) . It was h***. Hang in there and stand your ground. Please keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (10)

What would happen if you didn't exist? Or if you lived in China? Or if we're confined to a bed due to paralysis?

Your mother apparently now in need of full time care. She has Medicare and California's Medicaid. She is IN a bed in a facility that can care for her.

If the social worker continues to insist that you accept your mother into your home, take a "vacation". Stop visiting, block phone calls.

It's the nuclear option, but it IS an option .

Agree with CM, DON'T try to transport her anywhere on your own.

People who plan ahead live in single level homes with good handicap access a decade before that's a need. Others think "oh, I'll think about that tomorrow" or "I'll just go live with my kids".

Your mother's lack of planning does not equate to you giving up your livelihood.
Helpful Answer (9)

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