Follow
Share

My mom broke her knee cap and lives in an apt upstairs she needs rehab but wants to live with me. So since my original post I got my mom into a SNF for rehab on her knee. Today I had a meeting with social services and she hinted that 10 days is the norm for discharging patients and that would probably be happening soon. Even if I could get her upstairs , the social worker says she will need to be looked after. Mom can not bend her knee for another 4 weeks wears a big heavy brace and can not get up, can not go to the bathroom by herself. I asked her what are my options if they discharge her and I can not take care of her and refuse to take her, she said she could give me a number to a board and care facility that I could call. I told her my mom has no money and can not pay for that, and Medicaid doesn't cover that. She told me I need to put together a plan A ,B and C. We have no other family. I told her my plan was for her to stay there until she can get around, get up, and go to the bathroom by herself. And then, I may consider her coming with me for a week or two until she can get approved for In Home Care. But that I can't stay home 24 hours a day, and change diapers etc. she gave me the impression they would be discharging her this next week. Can anyone help me? I am in California, she has Medicare and Medi-cal. If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off. What will they do with her if I don't take her? Please don't judge me, I really need help on what options I have. I am confused and stressed and sad for what my life will be. I feel like the social worker did nothing but try and bully me into taking my mother.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
Jules, no worries. Most on this site understand where you are. There comes a point that all of us reach the end of our rope and know we can't provide care any longer. You need to be very FIRM, unrelenting, and tell them she needs more care than you can provide. Tell them the home is not safe for her. Tell them you WILL NOT bring her home. Tell them they need to continue her care or arrange a nursing home that will accept Medicaid.

They get to a point that many just cannot continue he and it is not worth feeling badly Bout her lIfe of planning.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Not sure of your mom's age or mental condition? I would think about assisted living? You can refuse to take her and the social worker should help you in placing her in the appropriate area of a nursing home.
Best of luck and hugs!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

My mom is 78, and no mental condition. Maybe beginning dementia. She is very needy and what I believe may be narcisstic. She has sucked up my life for the better part of 30 years. She believes I am on this earth to care for her as " all kids do for their parents". I have been on my own since I was 15, never married, never had kids. All for a reason. I do not want to suck up the other half of my life. I deserve to live my life too. Also, Belle, social worker did not offer any options but me taking her home or paying for board and care. She pushed that option only. Made it seem like I had no other options.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Jules, we hear from a lot of adult children like yourself, who have become trapped into providing 24/7  or an otherwise overwhelming level of care for abusive or difficult parents. Stay strong and continue to advise the rehab that you are unable to care for her, she lives alone and her apartment has stairs, and that they need to arrange care for her as discharging her to her apartment will be an "unsafe discharge" (a key phrase, apparently). Do not pick her up.

 
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

"And then, I may consider her coming with me for a week or two until she can get approved for In Home Care."

And then you write: "If I take her I do not believe I will ever be able to get her to leave and within 2-3 days I will be looking for a bridge to jump off."

Then please do not take her in with you for that "week or two"!

You are correct; that social worker is bullying you. One thing to realize is that it's easier for HER if you agree to take your mother in or to provide care for her. It's not your job to make it easier for the social worker.

"Unsafe discharge," as is stated above, is the key phrase you need to remember. Don't waffle on what you might do; set very very firm boundaries. You will NOT take care of your mother or have her come to live with you for any length of time, for any reason.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

Even if your mother " wants to live with you", you are in charge of you.

You CAN say " no, I can't possibly do that, I can't care for my mother in my home and I can't pay for her care".

Stand firm.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

I particularly, absolutely LOVE this sentence:

"She told me I need to put together a plan A ,B and C."

Your social worker seems to be having a little trouble with her pronouns.

THEY need to put together a plan A, B, C.

YOU make it clear - and I should keep it simple, as per Barb's suggested formula - that you are not A, B, C, Z or any other letter in any known alphabet.

Oo. Just a thought. You didn't sign any undertakings as part of the process of getting her admitted to rehab, did you?
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Social worker may feel if you don't take your mom, it is highly likely she will wind up in a less than ideal facility, in other words, guilt trip
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Social worker needs to call the doctor and get insurance approval for an extended stay.
That is plan ABC.

Under today's abbreviations for caregivers, I am assigning the social worker's ABC to:
"Another Bad Call".
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Refuse to be bullied, tell the so called social worker you will not take your mom, period. You DO NOT NEED TO GIVE A REASON, they do try to bully and guilt family so they don't have to do their job.

I am seething at this, I had a very similar situation but, I did not know anything or have any resources at that time, it took ten years off my life and aged me like 15 years. Si I get really ticked when I here someone else is going through the same crap.

As others have said, Not a safe release plan, unsafe release, you are not an option, PERIOD!

Are you willing to tell them that they need to get approval for her to stay or find her a safe place to be released to until she is self sufficient and then walk away, no visits, no calls, no anything? This is tough but it may be what is needed to force them to do their jobs.

Uugghh, the medical industry is so frustrating.

Stay firm and strong and do not let your mom come to your home at all.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I have heard that facilities will put the patient in a cab and escort them to your front door!!!!
Do NOT answer the door!
They can't force you (legally) to care for her.

But they sure have some underhanded tactics.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Wow, thanks for all of the wonderful suggestions! Now to be strong enough to put into action!

"Are you willing to tell them that they need to get approval for her to stay or find her a safe place to be released to until she is self sufficient". YES
" and then walk away, no visits, no calls, no anything? This is tough but it may be what is needed to force them to do their jobs. " NO, probably not. Ask me in a couple days after she came home with me, the answer would be different I am sure.
Country, no I did not sigh anything saying I would undertake anything. Unless they had me sign something unknowningly.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Jules...talk to her doctor and advise him/her firmly about the circumstances of where she lives (stairs etc..no one there to care for her) and very firmly advise that you are not able to care for her in the condition she is in! Say long, often and firmly that you are not able to care for her; and then stress it again not only to her doctor, social worker and anyone else that is involved in the decision as to where she goes after she is released. She may have to go to a skilled nursing facility where she can get the care and rehab that she needs. But based on what you have said...do not allow them to bullying you into taking her home. By the way Medicare will pay up to 20 days at 100% if ordered by a doctor (my understanding) and then from the 21st day on they pay at 80% (again my understanding).

When my honey was in the hospital with his edema and heart failure... I flat told the doctors, social workers, nurses etc that he could not come home until he was fully mobile and able to care for himself....period and stood by that all the way through. My honey was transferred to a skilled nursing facility where he received rehab. He dropped 74lbs, regained his mobility and was able to do for himself (except for his IV). He just came home a week ago yesterday. Yes I am his caregiver as I have been since his strokes 13 years ago, take care of changing his bags and batteries on his IV and have generally resumed the caregiving I have been doing for 13 years.

Hope this has helped a little. Hang in there and take care.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Jules, several people here said don't even take your mom for a "week or two"; the six months we took mine wasn't good, for any of us, and stretched to 3 years, because we couldn't get her to leave; couldn't bring ourselves to evict my mom - how could we? Finally, her minister persuaded her to go back to the apt bldg she had lived in before, and now, 3-4 years later, we're pretty good friends again.... it wasn't worth it, though; wouldn't do it again.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Mally that is exactly what I am afraid of ! I couldn't take it. I was just going to put her in my car and plop her back to her apartment as soon as I can get her approved for in home care service, maybe a month. But I will be hosed if they don't approve them. I'm so stressed. I'm weakening slightly because I hate the thought of her suffering in a sub par NH with just a broken Knee cap.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hi Jules...it sounds like she needs a rehab facility with skilled nursing rather than a nursing home. Talk to the hospital social services worker assigned to your mother's case. She if they can arrange this. Let them know you are not able to care for her in her current condition and there is no one at her apt to care for her.

Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Don't put her in your car.

I know this sounds a touch paranoid, but what you must not allow - the line not to cross - is for your mother to be your responsibility at any point. At no time must she be in your control. When she is transported, it is done by a service which takes her from point A to point B and nothing else. If she's in your car and you get to point B and they say "sorry no room..." if you're an ambulance driver, you return her to point A. If you're you, you're well and truly stuck.

You wait 'til she's got there and settled in, then you turn up with flowers and a hug. But Do Not Pick Her Up, literally or metaphorically.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

What would happen if you didn't exist? Or if you lived in China? Or if we're confined to a bed due to paralysis?

Your mother apparently now in need of full time care. She has Medicare and California's Medicaid. She is IN a bed in a facility that can care for her.

If the social worker continues to insist that you accept your mother into your home, take a "vacation". Stop visiting, block phone calls.

It's the nuclear option, but it IS an option .

Agree with CM, DON'T try to transport her anywhere on your own.

People who plan ahead live in single level homes with good handicap access a decade before that's a need. Others think "oh, I'll think about that tomorrow" or "I'll just go live with my kids".

Your mother's lack of planning does not equate to you giving up your livelihood.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Just mulling over the background a bit.

I wonder if the social worker is being quite as obtuse as she seems to be because your mother is constantly assuring her that staying with you will be fine, no problem, was always the plan blah blah blah. If your mother appears to be rational and states it as her wish and intention to stay in your home, if she even maybe overeggs it a bit and gives the impression that your home is "our" home, and given that your mother is the social worker's client, it might explain why Social Sally is really not getting the point.

Maybe it's time for some kind of very blunt, crystal clear "for the avoidance of doubt" communication. Start by finding out in detail exactly what your mother has been telling her, maybe.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Very great, insightful answers. I read them and I am encouraged to stay strong. But I Not sure I can. Country, yes, she was telling them she was coming Home with me, I told them on Thursday that was not the case. I did not tell them I wasn't taking her home, but rather what will they do if I don't take her home. I told them until she can get up and get to the bathroom I wouldn't be able to care for her. So I am expecting the two day notice tomorrow . And I still can't come to grips with what I am going to do. Even with all of your advice , and even knowing that I do not want to care for her, nor will be able deal with how I feel within ten minutes of being with her. All I want is for them to keep her until her knee is nearly healed, and I can get someone to get her upstairs to her apartment and get her some in home care. I am trying to get her on a waitlist to get approval to move her downstairs when something opens up but it may be months and months. I really wish I was in China or such and they had to make decisions without me. Adding to my misery, my significant other of 18 years and my mom do not get along at all, so I am always stressed. Thanks for listening, I'm going to go have another cry.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Are you willing to lose your significant other because you can't say no to your mom?

She is manipulating the situation by telling social workers that she is coming to stay with you, are you willing to be manipulated every minute of everyday until she decides otherwise? Is it really fair to her, to let her come to your house knowing you are not able to care for her? Why is she not working on a solution to her problem? Because she knows she can push you around.

I hope you find the strength to preserve your life and tell her no.

I am not trying to hurt you, I just know you will regret it if you don't say no.

Are you willing to live in misery because she failed to plan?

Can you see a future for yourself with her as your live in parent, you and her and no one else because she has taken over your life?

This will sound harsh and maybe cruel, but, get a spine and stand up to your abusive mom if you want a life.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Jules...sorry don't mean to be harsh but when they give you the two day notice contact them immediately and tell them flat you are not able to care for her and they need to look into other options such as skilled nursing. Be firm and if need be state it very strongly if they don't listen. Then call your Mom's doctor and tell him that they are trying to force you to take your Mom and that you are not able to care for her and there is no one else there who can. I would not ask what will happen if you don't take her....I would just flat state to them that you cannot. I did that when my honey kept talking about checking himself out or being released to home, and then was told by the nurses etc that he said it would be ok if they release him to home. I told them flat, I will not allow him to come home in the condition he is in as I cannot care for him and there is no one else here who can....period. They moved him to a skilled nursing center with rehab (he even thanked me afterward). With a broken knee this is what you Mom needs. Don't let them force you into taking her. I know you are an adult and can make your own decisions, but I remember what it was like with my honey from February until he went in the hospital in May (2018) . It was h***. Hang in there and stand your ground. Please keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I hate to think you're crying 😢 but I know how hard it is.

My mom was in a facility but the rent went too high. Hubby said, "She can move in with us!" "Oh no", I said, " it won't work out." She lasted 3 months with us. We weren't getting along.

For the sake of your relationship, please don't move her in. You will regret it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

"So I am expecting the two day notice tomorrow . And I still can't come to grips with what I am going to do."

Did she get the two-day notice today? Have you decided what you are going to do?

Please, please refuse to take her into your apartment. I can see you regretting it very much if you do. What's to regret if you DON'T?

Consider informing the social worker/discharge team/whoever out of your mother's earshot that you cannot take care of her, and that THEY will have to find an alternative placement for her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

JUST SAY NO. It is the social worker's job to find a safe place for your Mom. But if you accept even the smallest responsibility, then their job is done and you're on the hook
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Sometimes I think we are all living too long, way past what is financially feasible. I wish I had an answer. Seems like there is an outmoded thinking that a woman will always be in the home with nothing better to do that take up the slack. My pet peeve is the "free market capitalism" thinking that it can solve all problems. Really it only has worked, and will only work, because a lot of people (many of them women) have been providing free services to make the system function. Reality is that family life, community life, is socialism based, not free market based. Think about it, please.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Another day of reprieve. They did not give notice today. I sat in on her PT today and she did pretty well. I was actually impressed. She is no where near being able to be left alone. They said shes at least 8 weeks away from that. Assuming we can get her up the stairs and she never leaves her apartment. I'm going fight the discharge for as long as I can. Thanks for all of the help!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Glad to hear this, Jules.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Great news, Jules. Keep us updated.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Jules,
Your mother is at risk of dying if she can't walk to leave her home in case of fire or other disaster.
HOW can they discharge someone who would not be able to escape a catastrophe? Call the fire department and ask about this logic. Then report back to the rehab center as to what they said.

You should be brainstorming right now with the discharge planner/social worker as to WHERE she will go after discharge. Tell them she CAN'T stay with you. And since she will need help after d/c, they need to be looking for a SNF for her.
Practice in the mirror saying,"No, I can NOT take care of her." They don't need a reason. Just NO. They will not put her out on the street. But you MUST be firm.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter