How does someone handle a parent that wants you to give up your life and care for them and refuses to go to nursing home?

Man, JKling, you are going through a lot. I hope things work out soon. I know that the time period before you know they are some where safe can be agony. You never know when the call will come that a crisis has arisen. There are the constant calls from them because they are confused, scared, or don't recall that it's the 25th time they called you that day. At some point, there is nothing that can be done, but having them supervised 24/7. You have to look beyond their contentions, accusations, promises, etc., because they are not mentally able to care for themselves.

Let's hope that APS will intervene and insist on their placement somewhere. I'd have my statement ready as to what supervision and care that I could provide. They may want a family member to step in. I'd make it clear that it wasn't possible, if that is something you cannot do. Removing them from the environment may be physically safer for them too.

Reading this thread has been so helpful to me today; I read all 100, so thanks to everyone. I would like to know how Helpme and their baby is doing (it's November now). I will try to follow if she's on a different thread. I know the original writer wasn't helpme, but it sounded like helpme really needed help.

Anyway, my situation has many of the same elements here. I appreciate all of the responses. I do have help from my daughter, my brother and his 2 daughters. But the system did break down over the Thankgsiving holiday, and I had a nervous breakdown. I am considering therapy, as mentioned in one post. I'm 50 in Texas with my 13 year old visiting from New York, and my brother was supposed to be there Saturday but couldn't. So here comes the text from mom at 10am on Saturday, during the time when I was supposed to be enjoying my visiting 13 year old daughter. I already work 20 hours with them, helping every night after work and on weekends, plus grocery shopping and errands. My brother does 10 hours on Saturday, and my daughter does 20+ hours during the weekdays. So doing this alone is really impossible, even for 1 parent.

APS is also coming to visit my parents this week (they both have issues and caregiving for BOTH at their home). This added to the stress because my parents were trying to make me clean the results from the hoarding. I just told them "No, I want to spend time with my daughter. If this was any other weekend, I would happily do it".

Their doctors are supportive (they're the ones who called Adult Protective Services). They are trying to get them into SNF or ALF. They refuse. But, I will continue to do the best I can. I like the list idea. I kind of have that in my head, only it's a plan, or a vision. I can see things happening, and try to stay a step ahead. I have already visited several Independent Living places because that's where they would agree to go. I have confirmed that they can afford it plus have savings. It's outrageous to see them living the way they do, and that they could thrive and have a much better lifestyle in a place like that. But it has to be their decision.

I go in and out of guilt and anger and then compassion and empathy. They are very appreciative of our help, but sometimes I feel manipulated. Then I get angry. Then I feel guilty. Then I drive over and happily clean up the Gatorade that mom just spilled all over the place in her room. Then I help shower her, floss her teeth, and put her deodorant on her. And dad is ranting about APS invading their lives and I have to calm him down. Then I laugh because they are both in diapers, dad is throwing a toddler-like tantrum and mom needs a sippy cup with a lid. This is how I cope.

I don't want to fight with my parents. I see people's posts where there is fighting and yelling. I can't do this. The stress level is already high and that would not help matters at all. This mother who is physically abusive to her daughter is not someone I would want to help. She needs someone who is not a family member who can handle the overweight mom. Abuse is where I would draw the line. Even if it's the disease or illness that's causing it. Someone who has proper training for that kind of behavior caused by the illness needs to be the caregiver.

I continue to read posts and find answers. I hope I help people too. I'm waiting to go on that 2 week long all-inclusive beach vacation when this is over. In the meantime, I will do the 1 hour vacations mentioned. Thanks.

To JDonald and to Helpme, make a list of all the things you do for your Mom.... now take that list and cross off half of the items.... now cross off a few more... the next time Mom asked if you can do such an such say "Sorry, I can't possibly do that" and DO NOT BACK DOWN. Yes, I realize that will be hard to do, but sometimes we need to use tough love. If Mom throws a tantrum, so be it, just walk out of the room. Maybe then Mom will realize she needs another layer of care which means around the clock professionally skilled Caregivers.

Helpme, I think your Mom might still think you are 16 years old instead of 32, and that is why she feels embarrass that you are pregnant. Plus, Helpme, I cannot believe that an OB-GYN would tell you it is ok to lift an adult while you are pregnant, that could lead to a miscarriage.

The guilt is always overwhelming when you have to move your loved one into a nursing home.

I written about things with my dad as I'm sure many of you have read, so I'll try to keep this much shorter.

He had his chances living independantly and we had soo many arguments over him just pressing a simple button for help. He'd asked me for ONE month on his own and that he'd prove to me that he could do it.

Again, he fell going to the bathroom on his own, hit his head hard on the toilet..and here we are while he recovers from a subdural hematoma.

I don't know how many discussions I had with him regarding just following a few simple rules like taking his meds when he was supposed to (which started this whole thing as he has a major seizure from not taking his meds), and ended up in the hospital for three days and into a rehab facility.

Medicare would no longer pay for that so he begged to go back to his apartment; telling me to give him just one month there..that I should trust him and he promised to be good.

Don't know again, how many times I cried while I argued with him to just please use his call button; otherwise he'd end up in a nursing home and I'd have no power over where he was. Told him that I'd have to move him and if he ended up in a nursing home..I wouldn't have any say whether he went back to his apartment or not.

Well he's at that place now..in a nursing facility because he just wouldn't listen. I have to hire a mover to move him out of his apartment and find a place for all of his things. It's so very tiring and sometimes I get really angry with the whole situation as if he'd just listened..he wouldn't be where he is.

Now he sits there everyday depressed. Some days he'll get out of bed for staff and others he just wants to lay in bed and feel sorry for himself. I visit him often but he doesn't even seem happy to see me sometimes and will sit in his recliner with this mad look on his face.

I think he's more angry with himself than anything else and there's not a single thing I can do about it. He brought it on himself. Staff tells me how pleasant he can be at times, and then other times he's really ornery.

I used to visit him everyday but he just seems to get angrier and in a worst mood when I'm there, so I've gone to visiting him a few times a week.

I've asked him if he's angry that I had to move him out of his apartment, while bringing in all kinds of pictures and things from his apartment to his room to cheer him up. As I put them up, he just sits there with this angry look on his face like he doesn't even care.

Definately not the Dad I knew. The nice kind man that was always so glad to see me. I know it's partly his dementia..and being angry with himselt while there are days he just wants to lay in bed and feel sorry for himself.

I give him all the love I can in the meantime, while doing everything I can to put his lift back together. He'll have to go on Title 19 which is a lot of paperwork, and in addition, spend down all his savings and life insurance policies.

I can't tell you how tired I am going in to see him and half the time he really doesn't care whether I'm there or not; moving him out of his apt; muddling through all the paperwork needed for Title 19 Medicaid, etc.

Is it normal to sometimes feel so angry with a parent that, had he just listened, he wouldn't BE in a nursing facility? Okay to be angry that he did this to himself??

I love my dad to pieces and would do absolutely anything for him, but I am sooo tired. Doing everything on my own..keeping my sister that lives States away in the loop; moving my dad; getting every piece of paper in order..etc.

I had a bad cold one week and couldn't see him for that long. Went to see him and he acted like he didn't even care. Sat with him all morning and we talked. He told me that it wasn't that he wasn't glad to see me as he missed me all the time, but there was just a part of him that just didn't care anymore.

He hates staff coming in all the time, having to keep his door open as people "gawk" in looking at him, hates someone sitting with him while he eats, hates that he can't get up on his own, etc.

I told him that it wouldn't have had to be that way had he just listened; and then he goes into silent mode. He knows he's there because he wouldn't listen..

And thus he's depressed...and seems to get more depressed when I go to visit, so I've stopped visiting for a bit and just call staff to see how he's doing.

He was doing great today so I guess that's all I need to know.

Because his mood changes the minute I get there, trying to be happy around him and cheer him up..he just doesn't care.

This coming again, from a Dad that used to love seeing me and spending as much time as he could with me.

I don't want his mood to change, and thus..I visit a few times a week for a few minutes. Breaks my heart that he can't stand me right now, but he's told me that it's not that..he's angry that he's lost all his indepedence, etc. He hates his life right now and told me that he's sorry to take it out on me..but evertime he seems me..it reminds him of my Mom (who passed away 10 years ago from Cancer)..and that I look too much like her for him to stand sometimes...and how long is he going to have to stay in this place before God will take him to see her.

That's when we cry together..sing together, etc.

I really stinks when your parents get to the point where they can't enjoy all the things they used to do; make up for it by playing Bingo, etc., so to bed early..only to wake up to the same thing the next day..

A nurse waking you up..getting you to the bathroom in a walker..getting you dressed; and then down to the dining room where they feed you, whether you're hungry or not.

I can't even imagine, but with Dad...he could be in a much better place had he lsitened. And now he's where I warned him he'd be if he didn't listen.

It's tough..really tough. Thank God for my meds or I'd be crying my eyes out every day.

Thanks for listening.

Love you guys!!

Trust me I dont get it either. Her primary knows and still does nothing about it. Its very unsafe.

Um, she can't get out of bed on her own?? So, in reality, she can't be left alone, ever? I'm sorry if she does not want to go to a facility for care, but if you can't do it, she needs to go, and I can't see how she would not qualify.

Thanks for all your help. My mother cant get out of bed on her own so the only way she will fall is with me. I went to my Primary care in October she did nothing either. I am switching doctors for sure. Also I have tried the whole hospital thing and they still sent her home. Im telling you I have tried everything for the past 3 years nothing ever works.

Glasshalfful, Thank you, awesome advice! And yes, Helpme should switch doctors. My sister miscarried after helping her husband move a picnic table, and this doctor wants her to lift her crazy mother everyday? She has an awful doctor!!!

Helpme - You need her in the hospital...she can't get up or is feeling ill? how is her hydration? Once in the hospital, she needs to stay 3 days. (Very important) once she has stayed 3 days - medicare will cover first 20 days of Skilled nursing care at 100% and 69 more days at 80%. Folks at the hospital will have to find an appropriate placement for her based on her skills (lack there of) and abilities and illnesses. She may need to go for rehab with a hope of going home...and then transfer to longterm care. The key is getting her admitted. Next fall (hopefully nothing breaks but she needs observation....etc.

And you should change doctors!!! Do not risk that precious baby for anything!!! Shows how far gone your mom is to be a danger to her grandchild...Do you have a primary care person? Try them. Try your mom's PCP and be honest about her need for full time care....maybe he/she can order visiting nurse services to evaluate her (these are covered by medicare) and they will see how bad the situation is and get her some help...but her doctor needs to order it.
Best wishes!

Helpme, in my state, Michigan, you need to get them into the hospital before the state will place them into a nursing home. Don't worry about the care she will receive, worry about yourself and unborn baby. Maybe you can get this next doctor to admit her for mental reasons. Tell him she is tormenting you and your husband and you fear she will hurt you and your unborn baby. Tell him your husband is prepared to leave you if you don't find a place for her. Do it in the hallway, not in front of her. Do you think that is possible? Keep your chin up honey, but you cannot worry about her, she is a sick person to do this to you! Maybe you should just leave her at their office if they won't help you, just walk out.

helpme14, your mom's selfish outlook takes the cake!

Did your doctor ever contact her doctor to tell that doctor that you are pregnant? Who died and made her your baby doctor?

If anyone ever deserved and undiagnosed diagnosis for being narcissistic, it is her! I wish you well with your efforts to get her out to a nursing home before the baby is born.

This mess is not even happening to me, but I feel anger over it!

Ilovemom2-my mom lives in my house and no my doctor doesn't want to get involved and she said me lifting her wont harm the baby. It was useless going to her for help too.

But I did set up appt for my mother to go see a MS doctor...maybe he will find something wrong with our living arrangements because I cant take the stress anymore.

I have a herniated disk and found that even though she only weighs a hundred pounds there is nothing i can do myself if she falls. Tried once and ended up in bed for 3 days. I need to go to doc myself but i have no ins and no time. Ibuprofen and baer back and body are my best friend along with a heating pad and linament, lol. Running back and forth for her all day and standing to clean all day kill my back and legs. I have always worked physical jobs with heavy lifting since the age of 15. Was always built for it and loved it. Just cant anymore. I was injured at work a year ago, they said i had a herniated disk, pulled lumbar and cyatic nerve damage all because of over working while having degenerative bone disease. I suffer through though. So i know what u mean. Thanks for the advice

I remind mom that she needs to keep moving. When she can no longer get from bed to bathroom and back (at a minimum) then we have to talk about another living situation.

If she falls or can not get up...I call the FD and they come and get her up and assess her physical (and mental condition) before leaving or taking her to ER if required. I am not able to lift or help her up without risking my own poor health. Please do not risk injuring yourself!

...one more idea, next time your mom wants you to help lift her, refuse! Tell her you refuse to harm your unborn baby. Buy her a commode and tell her she is stuck in bed for now on. Call an ambulance instead.

Help me, what did your doctor say about you lifting your mother while being pregnant? Did you tell him you feel that you are going to have a nervous break down? Move out, you are lucky you are living in her house, you can just walk away, just call the state so they are aware. Its summer and you can live in a campground while you save up money. Can you do that? I did it for a summer, while my son was an infant, it was fun! Or maybe your husband's family will let you move in for a short while you save up money... or maybe you have some money saved up?

jdonald -see if you can find a Adult family care home in your area not an ALF not a SNF-usually 2 to4 patients in a private home enviroment, You can check with your local senior center or AHCA website for refferals. This has worked out much better for many. ALF are extremely expensive and she may not want or need complete SNF yet. She would be around her peers, make friends andnot be confined to a instutional setting. They have most service come in-doctors, nurses,pt,pt in beauty salon.....worth a look and much more cost effective. You can always go in respite-short term to make sure she likes it, give her a chance to adjust! Good Luck!

Emjo: I have worried about you since I hadn't seen any post from you. Glad to see you are okay.

It is very difficult living life like this. I feel your pain Helpme!!

Go ahead and call the state.. You can keep an eye on her from a safe distance.

And the best part of all this is that she thinks everything is great.

I dont have any answers no matter who I call...they all say the same thing.."they cant help". So im guessing my only options is to call the state my only worry is that she will be put in a dumpy or not safe environment. I dont know why my mother thinks its ok for all of us to live this way. Im so tired of her and everything.

When I started reading your Question, I was wondering if you knew my mom. After reading the many comments, sadly, I find that many of us are in the same boat.

I agree about using the resources of the hospital when she gets bad enough to require that. The hospital can not force you to take care of her and must find a place for her (temp or permanent) that meets her needs before discharging her.

We recently had visiting nurse and PT come to mom's during the winter of snow when she could not/would not go out. That was somewhat helpful and the PT person who came was great and mom actually did the exercises and continues to do them now that VNA has stopped. Medicare does cover this to prevent more ER and Hospitalizations...but doctor must order it.

The problem is how to stop once you have made the mistake of moving in on a temporary basis...(let me know when you figure this one out) like I did...

Yes, I think the thread got hijacked...it started out with the original person who posted and got changed. I just want to add one more thing. Neither of these mothers are ever going to change. Wishing they would is useless. Lots of good advice has been given here and I know it is helpful to hear that other's have been there and are on your side. Now rather than wishing "she'd be different" because that's not going to happen, take the good advice here, start making a list of the things mentioned that can be done and take control. It's hard and it's so easy to be overwhelmed. For the original poster, who has been quiet, let us know how it's going. For Helpme, have your doctor help.. He or she should support you. Go to a therapist...they can help you with how to begin taking control back. Stop the mother from her abuse. Tough love is needed and putting up boundaries. Your baby is also the victim of your stress your cortisol levels are high from it and the baby gets that too. Your first responsibility is to YOUR family. Mom has had her chance to be responsible for herself. Your are NOT responsible for her just to her. She is asking your to do things above your "pay grade"if you will. If you keep doing them, that is your choice not hers. So I hope you can begin taking steps now towards a better life....you know you deserve more than this. But it is about decisions and choices. So far wishing it were different isn't changing. Please list your steps and get started. One at a time or it will seem overwhelming. We are here to advise and we want to hear back when you've moved forward. God bless.

sometimes not somethings :)

helpme14, somethings when I get angry over something, I actually think more clearly and creatively, but now always :)! I wish you the very best.

I definitely will! Thanks

Yes!!! If you have a good doctor, they will help you....

Help me!!! I am so excited for you!!!! Please let us know the sex of the baby, most of us need a little sunshine in our lives!!! I am so past the hard times, I want to make sure you get there too. Make sure that little bundle of joy gets the best possible life.... I know what it's like to have joy again...

I believe we have 2 mothers we are chatting about in one thread. We started with a man & his brother. Now we also have a pregnant lady. I am having a challenge keeping the situations separate. OR I am really lost. Also possible.

Cmagnum-thats actually a great idea. I have doctors tomorrow. ( I find out the sex of the baby!!! )Im going to talk to her about this...hopefully she will be on my side because I cant keep picking my mother up and putting her in her wheelchair. Shes not a heavy woman but shes just dead weight and doesn't try to help me. I will see what my doctor says tomorrow.