How does someone handle a parent that wants you to give up your life and care for them and refuses to go to nursing home?

jdonald, could you tell us a little about how old your mother is and what is wrong with her? We also need to know a little about your circumstances, such as if you're employed or have your own family. It would help people make their answers more relevant to your circumstances.

You may have to do tough love with your mother. She is refusing PT and depending on you to do things for her. The trouble is that if she doesn't do things, pretty soon she won't be able to. It is the old "Use it or Lose it" principal. Anything you know she can do, tell her that she needs to do it for herself. Let her know it is for her own good. If she pouts or gets mad, stand your ground. You probably know what she can or can't do.

Do you have a job or family to get back to? If your mother decides she won't get up and do things, you may have to consider placing her in a facility where they can care for her. We do have to continue to take care of ourselves. Sometimes our parents become so self-focused that they forget that their children also need to live. This can have bad consequences, so caregivers have to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Good luck and welcome to the group.

She has multiple things wrong with her she is overweight diabetic has heart problems.yes I am married. I'm 52 she is 75. I live 250 miles from her. What is so frustrating is no matter what you say to her she continually ask me to do things for her .ive had two back surgeries and I do pretty good but this is wearing on me physically. The physical therapist has this discussion with her almost every secession. Point blank tells her not to wear out your care giver. I wish I were able to care for her but I'm not the guilt overwhelms me to the point of loosing my compassion for her. I feel in a black cloud and I feel responsible for her. I will be leaving going back home in two days and she is terrified my brother will be checking in on her but I have this horrible feeling something bad will happen to her when I leave.

Also my brother is crippled on left side of body. He is on several medications and is not in great health. I'm afraid when I leave and he takes over she will wear him down with her neediness. She loves to be waited on and we had to do it growing up and standing up to her and refusing to do what she wants now is hard I feel like I'm disrespecting her. If we refuse to cater to her she goes to bed and says she is in to much pain. I'm just stressed to the max

It sounds like neither your brother nor you are in a position to provide her with the type of care she is requesting of you. I wondered if her finances would allow her to move into an assisted living community. The problem there would be that they would still require her to do most things for herself. They provide some meals and occasional cleaning. Someone who wouldn't do the normal things of life wouldn't be considered a good candidate.

It would be so much easier if we could tell our parents that they WILL do things and they would do them. It can be such a battle. Many times they want our help, but they want it on their own terms.

Something you might consider is having a social worker come in to access her needs. You can let her know that neither your brother nor you can help to the extent that she is presently requesting. A social worker may have some good suggestions if she knows what your mother can afford. Perhaps having a caregiver coming in for a while each day would be enough, or maybe she needs something more. If your mother is not trying, then giving up your own life to cater to her does not seem to be a good option to me. There are other options that would better meet the needs of everyone, IMO.

Feeling guilty definitely belongs in this picture, and it is your mother who should be doing it! Expecting adult children to give up their lives is very unhealthy and selfish. If she has done this all her life perhaps she has some mental health issues. If so, that is sad, but It Is Not Your Fault and not your responsibility.

I hope that your brother truly just checks in on her, and doesn't try to become her hands-on caregiver.

I like JessieBelle's suggestion to get a needs assessment for your mother. A social worker can help her understand her options for getting the care she truly needs. Maybe that is something you and your brother can work together on by phone and email, after you leave.

I don't know how to tell you to shut off the guilt feelings. Those can seem to have a life of their own. But I do urge you to make sensible decisions in spite of the guilt feelings. Push those feeling way to the background.

Continue to love your mother. Be an advocate for her and try to see that she gets good care. But DO NOT think you must provide the hands-on care yourself.

Same here, and now she resents me because she lost her independence. prayers!

Right before reading this I had took down the numbers of some social workers in my area. I am hoping that they can help us find a solution as to whats the best option for everyone. I dont mind waiting on her hand and foot, but I cant take the guilt, demands, disrespect and poor manners. when I am just wanting to take care of her. Great suggestions. I also got a lawyer number to give me some advice in case My family decides to accuse me of any wrong doing since they also try to guilt me. I want to move forward and do whats best for her if it makes her happy or not. I need someone else to step in or I will end up in the hospital.

Happy is the parents problem for that comes from the inside for the most part. Safe and cared for are the important needs that need to be met in the most helpful and balanced way.

Don't give into the Guilt game of the F.O.G. from the emotionally abusive person. While you can't change them, you can chose not to dance with them.

Did your mother go into a rehab facility after surgery? That's the usual thing and it's far better than trying to rehab at home. If she ever is in the hospital again, check with the discharge planners whether she's eligible for facility rehab to get her an her feet again.

I'm disturbed by the picture that you paint of being expected to wait on your mother, even in your childhood. It sounds as though she has some serious issues. In addition to seeking a social worker to assess her situation, you might try to find a therapist to help you sort out your feelings of guilt, and help you identify your true obligation to your mom (keeping her safe arranging for her care paid for by her) as opposed to her unrealistic demands ( being waited on, supplying her with "happiness").

Are you her POA? You need to call you local Area Agency on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment. Her doctor may also have indicated to you what her needs were. Does she have the financial ability to hire in home help?

Check out the assisted living places, they are very different from nursing homes. I found a beautiful one for my mother, and it changed my whole life back to normal. They took such good care of her. You have nothing to feel guilty about, she knows how to manipulate you and will keep playing the guilt card because apparently it works on you and your brother. After you find a wonderful place for her, you and your brother will need to stand up to her together and let her know she's going or she is on her own. She will put you both in an early grave if you don't !!! Good luck, you need to do it for your brother's sake, let that be your guiding strength.

Assisted living isn't an option. She can't bath herself or dress herself she can't afford personal care because of bad decisions she made. finances are limited. I pray when I leave her eyes will open to the fact that her best option is a nursing home. She will either get better when I leave or continue to go down hill. The dr says she can gain her strength back if she will push past pain and do the exercises but right now she refuses. I feel leaving and going back home is my only option for my well being and hers. I'm to the point where let the chips fall where they may and go from there. Yes I will be getting counseling and much prayer and look for a support group to join. I'm so glad I came across this site. Thank you for all the advice and support

Donald, my mom could not bathe or dress herself. Half the time she couldn't feed herself either. Does your mom own her own home? I was going to sell my mom's home to pay for it. I am not promoting "Sunrise" but they were wonderful, as my mother got sicker and sicker they did everything including changing her depends. My mom had dementia and Parkinsons and was a sleep walker with weak legs. You must be anxious to get the hell out of there, I feel for your brother! You are both angels!

Donald.......I can guarantee mom will come down with some malady while you are gone. She wants you there. Please listen to the people on this site. Mom requires more care than you can provide. Your home is to far away to come and go, so your family suffers. Tell mom that you are making other arrangements for her care. If she had been doing the PT like she should, maybe she could stay out of a nursing home, but when she refuses, what does she expect? If she won't go, wait until the next crisis trip to the ER and tell them there is no longer anyone at her home to take care of her. You are allowing yourself to feel guilty for something that isn't your fault. You are doing the best you can and it isn't enough. You brother can't do it either.
An assisted living doesn't sound like a good fit for her. They aren't at her beck and call and she will have to do for herself. She has made this bed and you don't have to lie in it with her. Get going. You can do this.

No, she either regains strength by working hard or she can't make the connection and push herself to do that, maybe because she is cognitvely impaired too...or she really needs skilled nursing at this level of function. A lot of skilled nursing facilities have a look and feel of assisted living these days. Start looking. At some point very soon, unless you can line up a lot of resources to make home care manageable, it will have to happen whether she wants it to or not.

Chronic pain plus cognitive impairment leads to immobility and loss of independence that is almost unpreventable. It is not wrong to tell her she cannot have what she wants - which is to revert to total dependence with someone familiar to care for her full time in her own home - and the choices are to work on her own recovery at home or to go into care. You don't have to resent her for wanting that - working through pain is hard, hard, hard, and she is just worn out with all her health problems - but you don't have to simply comply with unreasonable requests either. Sometimes it is not at all easy to figure out what they really can't do and just don't want to do but can if they have to. The therapists and maybe a good compreshensive geriatric evaluation could help you with that.

I feel your pain my mom has been treatingme the same way. My mom has ms and me and my husband moved her in with us 2 years ago and its been nothing but a nightmare. Im not allowed to talk to her doctor anymore because ive been pushing for her to go back into rehab or a nursing home. She refused to work with physical therapy...she kicks the home health people out of the house. I work fulltime so doesn't my husband. Im going on 6 months pregnant and I just dont know what to do anymore.

helpme,

How old is your mother and what are her health problems? She must not be too old with you being young enough to have a baby on the way. Congratulations!

This is probably stupid of me to ask, but did your mother ever give you medical POA? You can still communicate privately with her doctor. I use to write my mother's neurologist when I felt that I needed to and that helped. What about durable POA?

I"m sorry that you and your husband moved in with her two years ago. Was that the only option at the time?

It sounds to me that moving out of there and getting your mother some other kind of help would be ideal.

My mother has MS...so its been on going problem for years it has just gotten worse especially because she cant walk. I work fulltime..im going for over 12 hours a day and she left home alone and her doctors dont do anything about it. I dont know what to do anymore...no one wants to help me.

Helpme, I see that your post goes back to 7 hours ago as does one thread that you started 7 hours ago. I got confused looking at things and ended up thinking that you had two threads going. Sorry about that.

I don't know if I should answer her or go to your thread. So, I'm going to summarize what I've learned from your thread.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/help-with-disabled-mom-with-multiple-sclerosis-178961.htm

You have been taking care of your mother since you were 18 and she's living in your house. I'll quote the rest from your thread

"2 years ago she fell and broke her leg and my life has been nothing but a nightmare. She still cant walk...she cant really do much for herself accept feed and change herself. In November I found out I was pregnant and since then there has been so much added stress on me and my husband. Her doctors wont help me...my mom doesn't want home health in the house. My mother is coming between me and my husband and the added stress of being pregnant is taking its toll on me. I dont know what to do anymore. My mother needs around the clock care...but she wont willing go into a nursing home she thinks I can handle everything and mind you my husband and I both work fulltime. I need help I really don't know what to do anymore."

It helps to know this information. About the only way that I know that you could move her would be to become her guardian, but a doctor would have to say that she is incompetent which she may not be. I hope someone has an idea how to deal with this.

I am sorry to hear this is coming between you and your husband, particularly with the upcoming birth.

Sounds like she should have gone to rehab and then to a nursing home after she fell and broke that leg.

Are you living with her or is she living with you? I"m not clear.

I also am a caregiver. My mother who is my "patient" is also very demanding. The first thing I did was learn to say no. Not as easy as it sounds. At first it is harder on you as you have always done it and why is this time different. If there are things she can do for herself, refuse to do them...eventually she will gain some independence. The second thing I learn was to take mini one hour vacations. Take a walk, read the paper at the park anything that will ground you and allow you to take a breath. I found this also helped with my mother because during my mini vacations when she wanted something she was able to do it alone. I also have a monitor with a GPS on it that I pin to her everyday so I always know where she is.
I hope this helps

Shes living with us. Its a horrible situation and I dont want to take care of her anymore. I know that sounds terrible but im just burnt out and my husband is constantly mad over this all the time. He thinks there should be a quick fix to this and there isnt.

I don't know what they could do, but I would call adult protective services. Tell them your plight and that you are not longer up to taking care of her plus you have a baby on the way very soon and your marriage is in danger.

You are burnt out and your husband is probably upset partly over this burning your out and is feeling very frustrated over not being able to do anything about your burn out, how much life is going to change with the birth of the baby, and maybe feeling like he's been second fiddle to mom which if mom stays there means he will be third fiddle once the child is born. You're never first fiddle again as a husband until the empty nest time comes around. Then you are free to be a couple once again. However, the relationship still needs work while raising children.

I wish some other people would jump in here. I don't know where everyone that is usually here is today.

Thanks for trying to help tho I appreciate it. I just dont understand why her doctor thinks its ok that shes home alone all day long and cant walk. Im lost for what I can do. My mother is mean and nasty sometimes so that doesn't help.

It is absolutely ridiculous that parents have such control over grown children. We do what we can but everyone reaches the point that is just no more we can do! Mom either gets in home help or goes to a facility. People just need to learn their limits and has hard as it is making those tough decisions, they must be made. Mom, I can no longer take care of you. You need professional care that we cannot provide at home. We love you and want the best for you. There is a baby on the way, I have a family 250 miles away that needs me, my health is failing....etc, etc. Make other arrangements. Mom is no longer able to care for herself and the best thing you can do is become the adult and just do what has to be done. Wishing you all the very best! p.s. This does not need a doctor's approval and getting a second opinion is always an option.

My mother outlived my sister. My sister worked herself into an early grave.

Now, mom is healthy and enjoying life and being waited on hand and foot, at the NH. She will be 96 on the 30th of this month.

If your mom made no plans for her health care, later in life, that isn't your problem.
(Yes, I know it is difficult.)

Follow up on the suggestions. You have an impossible situation. Have "that talk" making it clear that you cannot continue to look after her, and that you will help her make other arrangements. I know that is very difficult but current conditions are very difficult too and getting worse. Come back and get support as you go through this. ((((((hugs)))))

Ive had the talk with her. She just yells and cries that Im abandoning her and all I careabout is myself. I never put her first etc...its useless talking to her

Also her doctor told me really nasty once...that I just cant put someone in a nursing home because shes a person and she would talked down ti me because I dont try harder to make the situation better.

Magic words - "Mom, it's not possible for me to do that".

Tell her doc that he can take care of her then if he thinks she s okay. You cannot bring a baby into this situation. Call 911 and have her taken to ER for mental cognitive changes and refuse to take her back into your home.