My mom has been sick for four months and I have moved in for two months to care for her. She had surgery and her muscles have pretty much died from being in bed with pain. She has started physical therapy but refuses to do the exercises on her own. She won't do them on the days the p t doesn't come. She wants me to wait on her hand and foot if I refuse she pouts and cries. She is very negative demanding and impatient I am to the point of resenting her and the guilt is overwhelming me.
I hope that your brother truly just checks in on her, and doesn't try to become her hands-on caregiver.
I like JessieBelle's suggestion to get a needs assessment for your mother. A social worker can help her understand her options for getting the care she truly needs. Maybe that is something you and your brother can work together on by phone and email, after you leave.
I don't know how to tell you to shut off the guilt feelings. Those can seem to have a life of their own. But I do urge you to make sensible decisions in spite of the guilt feelings. Push those feeling way to the background.
Continue to love your mother. Be an advocate for her and try to see that she gets good care. But DO NOT think you must provide the hands-on care yourself.
An assisted living doesn't sound like a good fit for her. They aren't at her beck and call and she will have to do for herself. She has made this bed and you don't have to lie in it with her. Get going. You can do this.
Now, mom is healthy and enjoying life and being waited on hand and foot, at the NH. She will be 96 on the 30th of this month.
If your mom made no plans for her health care, later in life, that isn't your problem.
(Yes, I know it is difficult.)
I'm disturbed by the picture that you paint of being expected to wait on your mother, even in your childhood. It sounds as though she has some serious issues. In addition to seeking a social worker to assess her situation, you might try to find a therapist to help you sort out your feelings of guilt, and help you identify your true obligation to your mom (keeping her safe arranging for her care paid for by her) as opposed to her unrealistic demands ( being waited on, supplying her with "happiness").
Are you her POA? You need to call you local Area Agency on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment. Her doctor may also have indicated to you what her needs were. Does she have the financial ability to hire in home help?
You cannot and should not give up your life. Our mothers truly believe we owe them for bringing us in to the world. My mom thinks that is my duty. I really do not mind helping her and doing for her, but she is so ungrateful and expecting of my help. It has been around 4 years now and my mom now lives in AL and hates every minute of it. I know she is taken care of and that puts my mind at ease in that department. I have other issues I worry about with her, but it is not her care. I too am an only child and feel trapped.
People like this who have no limits set for them only becoming increasingly unbearable and usually no happier for it, ever. It is hard emotionally and rationally to have to be the adult in charge, but you have to be the adult in charge of making and sticking to these kinds of decisions. Loving and caring for someone does not mean doing everything they think you should do for them. It doesn't work in raising children, and it doesn't work in helping aging loved ones. And you don't need to feel guilty about not doing it.
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