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Mom is in her late 90's and amazingly physically healthy and never gets sick. But she is almost deaf and has dementia and a lousy attitude. She shouldn't be living without assistance. The doctor says it is not bad enough and won't give us a letter which would tell the independent living facility that she is not mentally capable of living there. The truth is, she is incompetent, absolutely exhausting to be around. We considered forcing her to move, but she would make our lives hell if we did. So, for eight years we have soldiered on, doing everything, shop, clean, laundry, finances and monitor her behavior, etc. because she isn't capable of making decisions, doesn't bathe, barely eats and does nothing but complain. There is plenty of social activity at the facility, she isn't interested in anything. She won't help herself and wallows in self pity. Yet, she is more spry than residents ten years younger. She abuses her body with laxatives (which she continues to buy at the facility store, hides from us, and weekly we hunt for them and take away from her. I finally figured out what is happening to her underwear which keeps disappearing - she is having leakage (no longer uses pads for it like she used to - increasing dementia) and sometimes pooing her pants. Then she just tosses them in the garbage. (Mainly from the laxative abuse). Because of the dementia and a 3 minute memory, although we have told her 100 times, she continues self destructive behavior and we can't be there every minute to stop her. I feel bad that she is old and depressed and I know its partly the dementia (she cannot responsibly take any medication) but I have to say, she has always been vain, self destructive and miserably negative about everything. Now its just worse and more so every week. I hate having to repeat the same things 5 times a day, every day, every week, every month and having to talk at the top of my lungs, knowing she will just forget in 5 minutes anyway, listening to the same complaints over and over and over week after week - its wearing my patience and I find myself feeling angry by the time I leave and my stomach is in knots because getting angry at her wouldn't do either of us any good. She won't accept she needs help, complains and whines the whole time we do things for her, and her favorite subject is inventing things to worry about. She has had a wonderful long healthy (and pampered) life, yet behaves like she is a victim. In fact, I have more health issues than she does, some fairly serious. She's my mom, and I love her, but I feel guilty that I dread going there and can't stand to be around her more than an hour. I don't want to feel that way. My husband said 20 years ago she walks around with a black raincloud over her head. There is nothing we can do but to keep on for years to come until she is so bad she doesn't know where she is. But I am so tired. Does anyone else feel that way sometimes?

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Yes, I feel guilty about mom still in her house when I know she isn't safe and I am angry that she will not move into AL. I am waiting for the day I get the call from the EMT's that she fell or set the kitchen on fire. It's like looking into an abyss and knowing I will fall in, there is nothing I can do.
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Agree. I feel like this all the time. I finally set boundaries and had some good counseling from center for aging that told me when I "keep rescuing mom" by shopping for her, being her social life, buying her groceries, etc.; I'm just propping her up and that I need to allow her the control to see what she can really manage and things she can't manage so she will eventually accept the help she needs. We are not responsible for our parents happiness and well being especially if they have the means to help themselves or accept outside help.

Lastly, regarding the laxatives, can you go to the facility store and explain that the dr doesn't want her buying laxatives anymore (little white lie) and that she has to have a prescription from the doctor to purchase any going forward -- so please let the shop staff know, she isn't allowed to purchase anymore. Suggest to dietician or staff that they supplement her daily diet with Miralax at one meal per day.
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Short answer to the question is yes, it is as common as rain to feel bad about feeling bad. And yet, honestly, why wouldn't you feel sad, angry, and disgusted with someone whose bad choices deprive not just them, but you and other loved ones of companionship, relationship and quality of life? It is sad. Do what you can to make it better, when you get that hitting your head on the wall feeling it may be a sign that you have done all you can. Accept it is sad and accept it makes you mad. You would have to be pretty uncaring not to feel anything.
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I have the same thing happening to me and feeling bitter and resentful depressed etc. I hate having to repeat the same things over also and she has hearing aids and won't wear them she even promised me and having to talk at the top of my lungs its wearing my patience and I am feeling angry also she complains and whines too I love her, but I feel guilty that I dread going there lately. I also think she is a real nice lady at times and a manipulative person at other times. I just want to hide! Thank the lord I am seeing the case manager this week for respite care hopefully they can help because my other siblings wont!!
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laxative abuse? i call bs. some dementia patients suffer from poor digestion process and its very uncomfortable. her diet needs to be rearranged to promote easier digestion. rice is the most easily digested food in the world next to red beets and white chicken is about the only meat that digests easily. my mothers digestive system is what failed and took her life. my mom took 9 stool softeners a day. normally that would be risky but she was on hospice, dying, and the benefit outweighed the risk. when that didnt work well enough shed ask me to boil her up a couple tablespoons of chia seeds. she got results from the seeds. you can get em at cvs.
i learned that trick from a heroine junky forum. seems those guys know a lot about constipation.
be kind to your mother, youll be glad you did when shes gone.
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